Holding back the years

I remember the days when New Years Eve was a huge occasion for me. All of my friends would congregate at the house of our friend with the "cool parents" - you know, the ones who were okay with underage drinking - get blitzed, and just be merry (the "cool parents" at least had the state of mind to take our car keys). This went on throughout my college years, where we were no longer underage drinkers, until we all started to go our separate ways. Each year after that became a challenge to come up with something new to do. Always the type of person who lives in the past, I did my best to keep the tradition alive each year, as marriages and children affected the yearly attedance. Last year we were down to two, the Barron and I spent the evening at home together watching Anderson Cooper ring in 2008 with Kathy Griffin.

Tonight, I am sitting in a hospital room in my pajamas with a sore abdomen, swollen breasts, and cracked nipples. The couple sharing my room has their entire extended Italian family up to watch the ball drop past visiting hours, and they are trying in vain to get away with it (I'll keep you posed). The Barron is sitting on a cheap faux leather recliner to my right and next to me, my perfect son is rousing from sleep. I can't believe how fortunate I am. After all the fun times and great memories, there is nothing more I could want than this. We will ring in 2009 with a glass of sparkling cider and a nice buzz from my percoset. I hope all of you get everything you wish for in 2009 - here's to a great year.

The best cheesecake around!

Gavin James
8 lbs, 10oz
12/29/08

More to come

Today's the day

Only 5 hours till baby! Eeek! Nervous about surgery, but ecstatic about baby. I'll fill ya'll in as soon as I can.

Monday, Monday

So, it's gonna be Monday. Cheesecake's head is still high and not in my pelvis, so at 3:30 PM EST on Monday, 12/29, he/she will be forceably removed from my body. I have made peace with the fact that I will not be pushing my child out on my own, as it appears that this will be the safest alternative for both the baby and myself (size is creating a bit of an issue). Happily, at the same time, Cheesecake is thriving - it appears that my uterus is an ideal home, and that it has no desire to leave. I hope this isn't the case when my child is 18. I can see it now:

CK: "Mom, I'm going to live here forever"
Me: "Get out"
CK: "But Mo-om, I love it here"
Me: "Get out"

:)

So, the Barron and I are spending this weekend tying up loose ends and getting the house in order. I should be in the hospital for about 4 days, but will do my best to get word to ya'll ASAP. Thanks so much for all of the well wishes and support. I can't believe that in a little more than 48 hours, I'll be a Mommy!

Merry Christmas

Just wanted to send Holiday Wishes to all of you out there. I hope this Christmas season brings you everything you've wished for and all the best in the New Year as well.

As for me, I'm still here - scheduled for a c-section on 12/29, and I think that's going to be the case, as baby seems to be quite content where he/she is for now. Oh well - guess I'll just have to celebrate my last Christmas as a non-parent. :)

40w 2days

....Still here, still pregnant. Just thought you'd like to know :)

D-Day

Well, today is D-Day. Delivery Day, Due Date, etc....and I'm going nowhere fast. NST and BPP all went well - baby is thriving and is perfectly happy where it is. However, there's one catch...

It's big.

Bigger than we expected anyway. I'm carrying relatively small, but they're projecting Cheesecake to be over 8lbs at this point. Eeeek! So, now the plan is to give it a week, and if nothing happens, I have a scheduled C-section on the 29th. I'm kinda bummed about it, but whatever gets baby here in the safest way possible is fine with me. If we could do it today, I would, but they want to give me a shot at a vaginal delivery.

So, basically, we're not just looking at a plain ol Cheesecake....It's one of those super dooper deluxe Cheeesckake-Factory concoctions:

Mmmmm....now I'm hungry.

0 Days

Counter says "0", but that doesn't seem to make a difference to Cheesecake. Oh well. Keeping myself busy with Christmas errands. Not much to do for work since I've pretty much passed everything off to others, so I guess I'll keep puttering around the house. NST and BPP tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Staying Put

So, it looks like most of my due date compatriots have had their babies, but mine appears to be going nowhere fast.

Had a checkup this morning. cervix is still closed and high. I am now scheduled for three NST's - one on Friday (my actual due date), one the following Monday and one on the 26th - Merry Christmas to me. If baby is still not here by then, I will be induced on the 28th.

I really don't want to have to be induced. And I really want this baby out, like yesterday. Sooo, needless to say, I will be exercising, taking bumpy car rides, eating spicy food and someone will probably be happy to know that he'll be getting lucky a few times this week. Although, I can't guarantee that it'll be any good with the beached whale that I've become.

Otherwise, I guess I'll just wrap Christmas gifts and keep working as usual. Doctor said to "try not to think about it too much". HAHAHAHA! ugh.

10 Days....seriously?

Holy crap. My ticker says 10 days. Freaking out. Although, I still wouldn't mind if it were sooner. Had a checkup today, complete with internal. Cheesecake is sitting pretty up by my belly button, so not low enough to go anywhere yet (although to look at me, you'd think he/she were ready to pop right on out)...still only 1 cm and cervix is "soft". Blech. I was hoping for more progress.

I did however, gain 3 pounds. Yeesh. I went from gaining no weight last week to 3 pounds this week. Bringing me up to 21 lbs in total. Not too terrible, but I'm really starting to feel like a sea cow, and can't wait to start exercising again. Going to be taking lots of long walks with this kid once he/she gets here.

Well, if Cheesecake isn't going anywhere for a while, I guess I'll finish up my Christmas shopping and wrapping so I'm all set. Sigh.

Ungh!

This cold is kicking my ass. I have already used up about 3 full boxes of tissues, my nose is red and raw, and there's NOTHING I can take...oh, right 25 mg of Benadryl. That's it. Thanks. Ungh. Cheesecake, no need to come now...give mommy a few days to feel better first...thanks!

Ah - CHOO!

Well, I knew it was bound to happen. I made it this far without getting sick, and then 3 weeks until my due date...BAM! The common cold strikes. My throat is killing me, I can't stop sneezing and pretty much feel all together lousy. Ah, my kingdom for some NyQuil!

Oh well, guess I'll just have to tough it out. Hopefully Cheesecake doesn't show until after I've shaken it so I don't have to worry about passing it around.

In other news, I had a checkup this morning and am officially 1cm dilated. Now, I know that's pretty much nothing at this point, but still, it means the process is somewhat underway. Yay! So, now, I'm scrambling to get so much done ...Christmas cards, finish shopping, wrapping, etc....Oh, yeah...and get all of my work in order as well. Fun.

I still can't get over the fact that by this time next month (hopefully by then!) I'll be someone's mom. Eeek! This is so huge. I'm freaking out and excited at the same time.

Eviction Notice

Cheesecake,

Hi Darlin, it's your mama here. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am that you're almost here. I can't wait to hold you and see your little face, and finally know what you are - boy or girl. You are everything your daddy and I have wanted for so long, and the wait seems almost unbearable.

That being said, I'm done. I'm ready. Time for you to vacate the premises. I'm tired of the backaches, heartburn, and general discomfort. I'm sick of wearing the same 3 outfits over and over again. I hate feeling like I'm going to vomit after eating only a bite of my dinner. I miss my toes, being able to shave my legs and basically just groom myself. I miss turkey sandwiches, coffee and beer. I'm starting to feel selfish and am ready to have ownership of my body back.

Now, I know how lucky I am. I thank God every single day for you and for the fact that we were given this amazing gift. Please don't think of me as a horrible person. If you're a girl, you'll understand this one day as well.

So, if you don't mind doing your mama a favor, please arrive on time (or even a little early, if you see fit)...I promise Santa will be good to you this Christmas!!!

love you always and forever,
Mommy.

2190

Two thousand, one hundred and ninety days. No, it's not how long I've been pregnant (although I do sometimes feel that way). It's actually the duration that the Barron and I have been married as of this coming Saturday - 6 years in total.

We're both taking the day off on Friday to have an extended celebration. We'll go out to breakfast and just spend the day together doing non-baby things (for a change). We also plan on going out for a nice dinner on Saturday. We originally wanted to go away for the weekend, but I think it may be too risky, being only 5 weeks out from my due date, and feeling pretty damn uncomfortable, frankly.

We went to a wedding two weeks ago, and it really made me think. While sitting there in the Church, in my tent-sized bridesmaid dress, I realized that I am better off now then I was six years ago. I am a better person for marrying my husband. I couldn't have picked a better partner, and am so excited for this next phase of our lives together. If you're reading this, I love you hon!

As for baby-business, everything is status quo, except for the fact that I am getting increasingly uncomfortable. Baby is very active, which is great, but can get tiresome after a while - as it is now pushing on my bladder and stomach at pretty much all times. However, movement is good, so I'll take it. I have about 5 weeks left and am ready. I'm ready to have my body back to myself, and of course to meet this little one and finally find out who he/she is.

Overreact much?

Here's how I spent my Sunday afternoon:

I went to Walgreens to pick up some necessities, and when I got out of the car, my pants were all wet (my jeans leg). The crotch wasn't really wet, but the leg was wet in a spot where it would normally be wet if one had peed their pants. Now, it had rained the night before, and I was checking all over my car to see if maybe I had bumped something and gotten myself wet, but I couldn't determine that and started to freak.

We had our Childbirth Education class on Saturday, at which the nurse warned that any fluid leakage should be treated as an emergency. So, I went home and asked the Barron what he thought - he thought it was in a weird spot too and agreed w/ me that maybe we should call the
Doctor.

I call, Dr. says - "get to the hospital - if your water broke, you just bought yourself an admission until this baby is born".

So, now I'm hysterical..."I'm going to miss my nephews wedding (this weekend), "I'm going to miss Thanksgiving", "nothing is ready!", "how will I work?", and of course fear for the baby.

I get admitted to hospital, hooked up to monitors, etc. Then, I have a pelvic exam.

Nothing.

Sonogram.

Nothing. In fact, I have plenty of fluid, so much so that when my water actually does break it'll be a huge mess.

Baby is happy and moving around (and we saw it's cute little face!)

So, basically, I must have wiped up against something somehow and got my pants wet and spent two hours in the hospital for nothing.

However, the nurses said I was right to come in and check.

I still feel like an idiot though.

I can't wait to just have this kid out of my body (at it's correct time, though!).

365 Days

One year ago today, I started this blog. I was in a bad place and needed somewhere to put my frustrations down in writing. I never really expected anyone to read them, nor actually take the time to respond or commiserate.

A year later, I sit here; 30 weeks pregnant with this baby that has been so wanted for so long by so many, but most especially by myself and my husband. We have been through so much, but it has truly been an amazing journey. I don't think I would trade it, either. Although painful and not understood by so many people, infertility has made me a stronger person, and I honestly think I'll be a better parent for it. Call me naive, but I do. I have learned to appreciate so many things on this journey, and feel like I take less for granted than I ever have.

I am so grateful to all of you who read and comment here. I truly feel like I can call many of you my friends, without ever personally meeting you! I find myself talking to hubby at night about Sara's strength and ongoing struggle to keep Spot inside for as long as possible, JJ's struggles and joys over Ron (and her hubby's Pearl Jam obsession, which my husband shares), Tara's witty stories and similar experiences with family, and my respect for Kym for doing what she does. There's so many others as well, and I have to say that I don't think I could have gotten through most of this without you. Friends and family here know our situation, but no one can appreciate it as much as someone who has been there.

Also, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day. I am very fortunate to never have to experience this first hand, but to those who have, I remember you today, admire your strength, and pray that you find peace.

30 Weeks - Random Musings

October 4, 2007. I go in to the hospital to have my Lap & Hysteroscopy and am later diagnosed with diminished ovarian quality.

October 4, 2008. My baby shower.

I am getting bigger by the day and feel disgusting.

My body is voluptuous and I feel sexy.

I am afraid of change - good, bad, you name it. I don't handle it well.

I can't wait to meet this baby.

I wish I had more time.

I want it here tomorrow.

I am worried about how my marriage will change.

I can't wait to see how this changes our marriage.

I'm going to be a terrible mother.

I'm going to kick ass at this mothering stuff.

I am petrified.

I am elated.

Showers of happiness

Saturday was my baby shower! It was a complete and total surprise, especially since I'm still more than 2 months away from my due date. However, being that my due date is smack dab in the middle of the Holiday season, and we have a big wedding coming up in early November in my family, it turned out to be the perfect time.

I can't even begin to tell you how overwhelmed I am with the generosity of family and friends who were there. Everyone is so excited about our little cheesecake and can't wait to meet it. It really was a wonderful shower, and I was so happy to be able to spend some time with everyone in the middle of the chaos. We (well, the baby) got beautiful gifts, and let me tell you, this baby is going to be better dressed than either of it's parents!

Everything else is going well. Work is busy (as usual), and I'm trying to tie up as many loose ends as possible in the next month or so to prepare. Working in marketing at the beginning of a financially disastrous Q4 makes for a stressful time.

The baby is moving and grooving, but there are some days where it decides to be lazy and I tend to get all panicky. I know I'm probably just overreacting, but I would much rather this child be kicking me 24/7 than not.

I've been keeping up with everyone else's goings-on out there, and am happy to see that things are going well (or as well as can be) for all of you.

It's almost 10PM here and I should be finishing up some work (and paying more attention to the Presidental Debate), so I'm going to take my leave now. More soon.

Trudging along

So much to say, so little time. I realize I haven't posted in well over 10 days and wanted to let ya'll know that I'm alive and well (and so is the cheesecake). Think of this as a placeholder for a longer post later in the week. Hope all of you out there in blogland are well!

A lifetime ago...

"Someone just crashed a plane into the Twin Towers!"

"Oh, please Kate - it was probably some amateur pilot who had no idea what he/she was doing", said skeptical 24 - year old me to my somewhat loony office mate on that sunny Tuesday.

More rumblings and gossip throughout the office. I check CNN.com. The site won't load. Something is not right. People walk into the office with news from the outside world - they're saying another plane hit. I finally decide to call my boyfriend, who works in Tower 1. No answer.

Now, the Pentagon is under attack. My Midtown Manhattan office has become crazy town...people are running back and forth to the cafeteria to get the latest updates from the television. I am paralyzed, handcuffed to my desk, afraid to leave the phone. I try again. No answer. He hasn't called.

People are crying. Work has come to a halt. I have to pee, but am afraid to leave my desk. My coworker promises to pick up the line so I can take a quick run to the toilet. I want to throw up.

The buildings are falling. We were just there on Friday having a drink at the bar in the lobby, weren't we?

His parents call me from their vacation. I have no news for them. His best friend calls me from work, crying. I have no news for him. I call my mother at work, and finally lose it. People keep calling me for answers, and I have none.

People are leaving the office to get home to their families. I will not leave. Not until I have some sort of an answer.

An eternity later, the phone rings. It's him. My body completely gives out and I cry tears of joy and horrible sorrow for all that has been lost. He doesn't know the buildings fell. He jumped on a subway train right after the 2nd plane hit and was stuck riding uptown for about an hour (which felt like a lifetime). I have to give him the sad details.

A half hour later, he is at my office with me. We are trying to figure out how we will be getting home. We walk to Penn Station. Broadway is dark. Times Square is dark. I've never seen anything like this. The train ride is silent. I arrive home and fall into my mother's arms and sob.

Seven years later, Mom is retired, I work from home (after 3 more years in NYC and some jobs closer to home), and the boyfriend is now the Barron. We were engaged that December, deciding that life was too precious to wait any longer. And we are now, finally ready to welcome a baby into our lives.

I am still filled with sorrow over what happened that day. My city was forever changed, and many close to me lost so much. I never forget how fortunate I was that day and how close I came to losing a loved one as well. My thoughts and prayers are with all of those who did.

100 Days!

According to my little due date widget, there are 100 days left until my due date. Aaaaah! The freakout is setting in. There's so much to do! Oh well. At the same time, I can't wait for this kid to get here. I won't feel 100% happy until this baby has been born and is out of my body, of which I have no faith in.

Glucose test tomorrow. The orange drink stares at me from my refrigerator door....do you think I can spike it with some vodka? No? Just me? Ok.

100 more days....

Worry, worry, bother, bother

And to think I wrote about writer's block yesterday. Having some minor spotting today. No cramping, and baby is moving, but it's still unnerving. Left a message with the OB and am waiting for a call back. I hate this. Why can't any of this just be easy? My head is filled with bad thoughts right now and I'm trying to block them out. This is when working from home all alone totally sucks.

*Update*
Got an emergency appointment with the Dr. Baby is fine, heartrate is strong, cervix is closed and long. I may still see some spotting throughout the night, but it was most likely a fluke. Crisis averted for now. Phew. Thanks for the good thoughts!

Grasping at Straws

(image Copyright © 2007 Marco Alexandre de Oliveira)

I know it's been a while, and I do apologize. You see, I have writer's block. Everything has been moving along nicely, and therefore, I have nothing to bitch about. Ha. Anywho....

The cheesecake has been very active lately...kicking me on and off throughout the day. The Barron has felt it a few times as well, which is fun for him. It's really starting to become real, isn't it? I've completed my registry, and a few things have been purchased, which is exciting...I guess I should buy a dress in case a shower approaches. I got stuck in jeans and a tee shirt at my bridal shower (it was most definitely a surprise), and I refuse to let that happen again! The nursery is slowly coming along...we still need to paint trim and hang doors, but the temperature here in NY is starting to come down, so we should be able to make some nice progress in the next month or so.

I have my glucose test next Wednesday, and the orange drink is sitting on my refrigerator door staring me down on a daily basis. Not looking forward to it, but it's a fact of life, no?

Work has just been insane. I'm trying to get all of my ducks in a row and start training some of my colleagues to handle critical items for when I am "out" after the baby comes. I also think I'm finally nesting, as I feel an extreme need to get organized - which, I never am.

I'm sorry for all of the rambling...more updates after my next Dr. Visit. I'm glad to hear/see that things are going well for all my compatriots out there. Stay strong, ladies!

Well, hello there!

I've been crazy busy and haven't had time to post lately. Hopefully this snapshot of the Cheesecake will tide you over until I'm back among the land of the blogging! I am keeping up with everyone else's blogs though and glad to see that ya'll are doing well!

Gender Predictions: Girl - 1, Boy - 0

I got my first gender prediction yesterday while getting a haircut. The hairdresser at the station next to mine wished me congratulations when I was leaving and then said "I think you're having a girl". Silly me never asked why - did she think my ass looked big? Has the baby "stolen" my beauty? (both old wives tales, but still). So, I think I'll keep a tally until delivery day of all my predictions. I refuse to make any, because I'm always wrong, and really, I'm happy with whatever I get at this point!

Ode to the Vee Dub

My husband bought the VW in the Fall of 2001. His sensible Corolla had been totalled a few weeks earlier and he turned around his insurance money to buy a 1.8 Turbo VW GTI. At the time, I was anxiously awaiting an engagement ring, and was none too happy when he picked me up from the gym driving this new car. Needless to say, I hated it from the start. (I was a silly girl, what can I say?)

We were married the following November, and this was the car that we drove the day after when we left the hotel and drove to our new apartment to start our life together. It didn't have a lot of room in the backseat for passengers (or other nefarious activities), but the trunk had plenty of space for necessities, making it our go-to travel vehicle. We drove it to upstate New York for our annual trip to the Irish festival with my family, to Boston, Hartford, and Hershey, PA for sporting events and concerts and to Vermont for a spontaneous Anniversary weekend getaway (among other locations).

Hubby took meticulous care of this car. He was always cleaning it, parking it away from other cars at the store to avoid dings and dents, filling it with premium gas, and keeping up with maintenance and the like. In the 7 years since it was purchased, we even managed to keep the mileage low (still only at 36K). He also always loved the pickup that the turbo engine provided on the parkways. I never quite appreciated it. It was a gas guzzler to say the least.

Then, infertility struck. This was the car that I drove daily to my doctors appointments, 45 minutes away from home, speeding on the parkway to make it in time for my blood draw. I fell asleep in the passenger seat on the drive home after my retrieval and it got us and our precious cargo home safely after 3 embryos were transferred in March. After that, I gained a new appreciation for the car. It became my friend. I drove it more often...to checkups and appointments, shopping and family gatherings.

Yesterday, we sold it. Actually, we traded it in for a more family-friendly Honda CR-V. There wasn't enough room in the VW for a car seat and other baby-necessities. My car is a beat up old Corolla and wouldn't get us any money on a trade. Hubby kept a brave face, but I know it was killing him inside. I, on the other hand cried. Tears of thanks for getting us around safely, tears for the memories of the trips we took, tears for the last 6 years that we've spent in it, and tears because I know that the next buyer won't be as good to it as we were.

I love our new car....it's the car that will bring our baby home from the hospital, but I will always have a small spot in my heart for the one I gave a chance to a little bit too late.

Godspeed, VW. Thanks for the memories.

(this is the last time we saw it - in the garage at the dealership)

20 Weeks

20 Weeks today. I'm in awe of the fact that I am halfway through a pregnancy that I never thought I would have. As I was sitting in the doctor's office today waiting to get called for my ultrasound, I reflected on my time at the RE's clinic - blood draws, needles, dildo cams, etc....It all seems so long ago, and yet just like yesterday at the same time. I am ever so greatful and will be indebted to these people for the rest of my life for the gift they have given me.

Who else am I thankful for/to? The Barron. This entire process has most definitely made our marriage stronger. I know this hasn't been the easiest road for him, and he has been nothing but supportive and my true partner. He's going to be a great father.

Anywho, on to the details. We saw the cheesecake today. Yes, we're calling it the cheesecake. Basically, my last name is that of a famous brand of cheesecake starting with the word "Baby" - so, it works. If you haven't figured it out, that's fine...it still gives me some sense of anonymity. :) The ultrasound was perfect. Nice strong heart, all internal organs accounted for, ten fingers, ten toes, and a cute little face (well, what I could make of it anyway). Then came the question:

"Do you want to know?"

And, at that moment, although every fiber of my being was shouting "YES!!!!"...

"No, we're going to wait"

ARRRRRGH. That was one of the hardest things I've done. The tech knows, the doctors know, and I don't. Although, going through IVF has enabled us to know everything; some things we never wanted to know in the first place...so, we should be able to have this one thing. 2o more weeks and I'll have my answer.

Celebrity Vent

In an interview recently, Kim Kardashian stated:

"having six kids is amazing; it’s exactly what I want," adding, "It’s what I grew up with, so I can’t imagine anything less."

Ugh. Now, I'm not picking on Kim alone, but since she's the latest to do so, she gets to be the victim of my ire.

First of all, what self respecting adult talks like that? "Six kids...it's exactly what I want". I've also heard other celebs say "oh, I want two girls and two boys", etc..." What the hell? Yeah, I would say shit like that too - when I was FIVE! Maybe it's the bitter infertile in me that thinks "yeah, good luck with that" every time I read a quote like this, but argh! It just frustrates me so much.

Also, it has to be said...what is with society's obsession with celebrity babies? And why is it that as soon as someone famous is dating someone, do they need to be asked "do you want to have children?" - Is that anyone's business, really? And, on top of that, they are expected to give an answer about adoption as well. Kimmy here is opposed to adoption. That's her prerogative, but it's none of my business. It's just distasteful to me, that's all.

....although, I know I'll be slapping down my $3.50 as soon as the Brangelina twins issue of People comes out. I hate myself.

20 week ultrasound on Friday! I can't wait!

Oh, and Kim, stop tainting Reggie please. You're going to ruin the Saints season. Thanks.

Quick and dirty update

So, I've finally realized that work is not worth getting stressed about when you're 18 weeks pregnant. There are many more important things in life. This past week and a half have been hell...work wise. It's mid-year review time, so I have numerous presentations to put together for my clients. Also, my best co-worker...the one I count on for everything, is out for her honeymoon for 2 weeks, which leaves me in a lurch, and I have 3 clients each with a problem. When it rains, it pours.

I'm slowly getting through my to-do list and not overpromising anything (which I always do) ...and trying to stay as calm as possible. We had a nice little getaway last weekend, which helped significantly with my outlook.

Anywho, saw the OB on Wednesday...was so happy to hear the little one's heartbeat, which was nice and strong. My 20 week ultrasound will be on August 1st...I can't wait! We won't be finding out the sex, which will be difficult, but I think there are so few surprises in life..this is one that I want to have. We'll see if I can actually hold out though. I think....think..I've felt a few flutters here and there, but I'm not 100% sure. It could be gas...especially with my heartburn lately.

Speaking of, that's pretty much what I've been feeling lately. H&H...heartburn and headaches. Both are making me miserable - when I feel them. It also doesn't help that we're in the middle of a heatwave today. I just want to go out and breathe fresh air, without the mugginess.

Bad Day

If I drank a fifth of vodka right now, would it really hurt the baby? Seriously?

Gah! No, I'm not actually going to do it, but man, it has been one of those days. I'm ready to throw my beloved laptop out the window and just live as a hermit for a few days. Good thing the hub and I are getting away for the weekend.

Remaining alcohol free, but still crazy!!!

Frustrating

Sixteen weeks. We've made it sixteen weeks. I'm still in awe of this entire process. Elating and wonderful, yes, but very frustrating as of late.

In a nutshell, I hate not knowing what's going on. My OB appointments are now a month apart, I can't feel the baby moving yet, and I have no way of knowing if every thing is ok. I feel good, and I know I'm still pregnant and all, but seriously, if I were married to crazy Tom Cruise, and he purchased an ultrasound machine for me, I would think it was the best gift in the world!

Anyone else in this situation?

What a difference a year makes

Apologies for not posting lately...things have been nuts. Nothing bad, just crazy busy. Work has been so busy over the past week; I attended a conference and spent the weekend away with family...things are finally starting to slow down now, but I'm still digging my way out from under a ton of work. Blech. Oh to be independently wealthy!

Anywho, on to this post:

One year ago yesterday (June 29th), the Barron and I had our first appointment at the clinic. It feels like it was yesterday. We had been trying for well over a year to get pregnant, and my OB/GYN wrote me a referral to have things checked out. I had a routine exam, post-coital test and the Barron received a scrip for a sperm analysis, and we were sent on our way.

I would later go through an HSG (July), diagnostic laparoscopy, DNC, and various blood tests to find out that my ovaries are in premature failure and my only option of getting pregnant was IVF.

We met with the RE about IVF in early Feb, and the rest is history.

I cannot say enough about my miracle workers. Every single person I dealt with, from the Chief, to the RE's to the nurses and staff (except for one receptionist who seemed to have a never ending pole stuck up her ass), was professional and kind and always treated us with the utmost respect. They were our biggest fans through this entire process, and I could tell that their joy for us when we received our positive was genuine.

I know that I will be back there one day (if we want to have more children), but I wanted to take this opportunity to document how greatful I am to them.

On the baby front, things are pretty quiet. I'm feeling pretty normal right now, which is weird. I should probably enjoy it while I can. I'm starting to show, but to the untrained eye, it still looks like a gut. I don't meet with the OB again for about 3 weeks, so I'm just trying to relax and have faith that everything inside me is progressing as it should.

Status Quo

Ultrascreen came back negative. Everything is fine. Not much else to report, except that I'm losing my sanity from my damn job. Hopefully, I'll be back in better form next week. Have a fab weekend everyone!!!

I'm in, I'm out, I'm sleepin...

Quick post, just so ya'll know I'm alive and kickin'. Work and life have both been crazy busy lately and I haven't had time to get everything down "on paper".

The ultrascreen went well...I'll have results this week. What was really awesome though, was the in depth sonogram they performed for the test. We got to see baby movin and groovin all over the place. I actually cried on the table, I was so happy to see it move. The only sucky part was the damn finger prick blood test. Take a vial out of my arm any day, please! Ugh.

Visit with the OB tomorrow and I'll hopefully have a better update. Otherwise, finally starting to feel more like myself. Also, have moved up to maternity pants...the jeans were just too tight when I was sitting.

Sending all of my best thoughts, and sticky vibes to the residents of Gryffindor House over at Reproductive Jeans!!!

I'm Melting!

It's 95 degrees here in NY today (but feels like over 100). I'm sitting in my bedroom/office with the A/C turned up and all of my shades pulled down. It's a fortress. I'm somewhat cool, but this is kind of depressing. We're supposed to have major thunderstorms tonight, and then more acceptable temperatures tomorrow. Thank God!

In this heat, the last thing I feel like doing is eating, but being pregnant has kept me hungry constantly - it's a vicious cycle. I'm getting by on light but not very nutritious foods...hopefully I'll be able to stomach some more variety soon.

Nothing much else going on...except that I'm having an Ultrascreen on Thursday morning. Anyone have experience with one of these? It's supposedly a very early test for Down's. My OB asks all of her patients to have one. It's pretty much an ultrasound where they look at fatty deposits behind the baby's skull and also take some blood from me. Both of the tests will be combined to come up with a risk factor, and from that they should be able to tell if I'll need any further testing down the line. It takes about one week for results to come in. I know this is a good thing, but it also makes me somewhat nervous. Keep your fingers crossed for me if you can.
Also, keep those fingers crossed for Kymberli and Sara too - both of them are going through some trials right now and could use the good luck and well wishes.

Like the deserts miss the rain...

In lieu of any news (I don't have another OB appt for 3 weeks), I figured I'd dedicate this post to all of the things I miss in my life due to this pregnancy. Now, I'm not bitching about being pregnant, but man, do I miss a few of these guys like a kid misses candy. Mmmmm...candy.

Number 1:
Coffee.
Ah, sweet nectar of life, how I miss you daily. Before IVF started, I had a 3-cup a day habit. Totally bad, I know, but it got me through the day. I eventually moved to half-caf, and then to decaf, and now to nothing, and it's KILLING me. And people, I'm sorry, but decaf is NOT the same. Tons of people say that to me, but it's not. All you coffee drinkers out there know what I mean. I have told the Barron that after delivery, I request that he make a trip to Dunkin Donuts and bring me a medium french vanilla coffee w/ skim milk and sugar. In the hospital.


Number 2:
Beer.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a big fan of beer. I have never been all that into mixed drinks, and am not a wine connoisseur. Beer, I can do. And, not just any beer - I like the good stuff. the Barron and I love going to various breweries and tap houses to try all different types of beers from around the world and such. It was our Friday tradition to go out after work for a few beers and good conversation. I miss it. It's for the best, definitely, but I do miss it. Especially now that it's getting warmer and I just want a cold beer. (At left is a pic we took of taps in Ireland - ahhh Guinness.)

Number 3:


Cold cuts.

Sometimes I just want a damn sandwich. Is that so much to ask? Gah.





There's more to the list, but not enough time to put it in today - I'm sure I'll have other posts like this down the line. Seriously, not trying to bitch, and I know I'll be able to have all of this post baby, but damn. I think when you're pregnant, you should be able to have everything you want, as well as look kick ass. Instead, I have to cut things out and look like an unholy mess. Ah, the wonders of life. Hee!

Other than that, not much to report. I've been ill for three days straight now. I thought I was over the sickness, but I've been having persistent nausea and HORRIBLE headaches since Sunday. Little one, please give your mama a break. Thanks!

And when I go there, I go there with you...

...it's all I can do.

-Where the Streets Have No Name, U2

Today is the Barron's birthday. He doesn't read this blog, although he does know about it's existence. So, with that in mind, Happy Birthday, hon! It's been a long and rough year, but I could never have gotten through it with out your love and unwavering support. Marrying you was the best decision I ever made, and I can't wait to see you be a father to our baby. I love you.

Introducing....

Here's my little bean! It doesn't look much like a bean anymore, so I'm going to have to come up with some new names for it. My husband and I love its little arms, and walk around the house with our hands glued to our sides to imitate what they look like (kind of like dinosaur arms!)



Heh. So cute.

Tag! Looks like I'm it

Sara the GasPasser has tagged me! Oy, the pressure to be interesting. Forgive me if I bore your brains out, but it's gotta be done.

But first, an update:

This week has been insane. Work is crazy busy and we're dealing with some sort of legislation in New York State that may affect my business-dealings negatively. I'm hoping it all boils over and that the law doesn't officially go through, but I need to prepare. Gah. Oh well, I guess it's good to obsess over something that isn't baby-related.

As for the baby, things are going smoothly. I'm still seeing some trace spotting, mostly when using the bathroom, but the OB says that everything looks perfect with the baby and that I shouldn't be concerned. I'm going to try and scan my ultrasound at some point to share the pic with ya'll. It's really starting to look like a baby now, and hearing the heartbeat was seriously just the most amazing thing. I didn't expect to be affected the way I was, but it was wonderful.

Ok, so on to the tagging - here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you. - Done!
   
2. Post the rules. - Done!
   
3. Share six non-important habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag three other people.
5. Make sure the people you tagged know you did by commenting on what you did.

1. My sister is 20 years older than me, and we are the only two children in the family. Same parents, no miscarriages in between, etc...(wonder where I get my fertility issues from?). My mother was 20 when she had her, 40 when she had me. Most of my life, my sister and I have had more of a mother/daughter relationship, but have recently started becoming much closer as sisters - she is thrilled about this pregnancy and is planning on spoiling the baby rotten!

2. As a result of #1, I have been an Aunt since the age of four. I have two nephews; one is four years younger than me and the other is eight years younger. They are more my brothers than my nephews and I could never imagine my life without them.

3. I have seen the Pope (John Paul II) twice. In 1994 while I was in High School, I attended World Youth Day in Denver, CO with my Youth Ministry group; and in 1997 I perfomed at the Vatican as part of my college choir at the Canonization (making a saint) of the founder of my college.

4. My husband and I LOVE going to concerts. I have always been a music fan, but he far encompasses me. Just for example, in the next month, we are seeing REM, Tom Petty, Pearl Jam (twice), and Dave Matthews Band. Other favorites include U2, Foo Fighters, and the Tragically Hip (and wishful thinking, the Beatles). We are determined to have this child listen to good music, but I'm sure we'll loose out to the kiddie music at some point.

5. I did a college internship at Late Night with Conan O'Brien. During that time, his assistant was pregnant, so I filled in for her on a number of occasions. He's an awesome guy and I have nothing but good things to say about that experience.

6. My favorite place in the world is the Cafe du Monde in New Orleans, LA. My husband and I spent our honeymoon in NOLA, and spent many an hour sitting there, drinking cafe au lait, eating beignets, and watching the world go by. During Katrina, I was devastated to think of the damage done to this beloved city, and I am counting the days until we go back. I have been to Ireland and Italy, which are both amazing, but this always holds a special place in my heart.

Ok, so that's my dealio. In return, I am tagging Tara, JJ, and Candi - sorry if you've done these already ladies, I'm new at this!

For all my American compatriots - have a great extended weekend! Woo hoo!

Phew

Everything is fine. Saw the bean, heard the heartbeat. Thank God. Ok, off to get some stuff done today. More from me later

Still spotting

Very trace amounts and the RE's office says it's normal, (esp. after coming off progesterone) but it was a teeny tiny bit red when I wiped today, and I'm so nervous. OB appointment tomorrow. Please let everything be ok.

It never gets easier, does it?

PIO shots ended on Friday night. Yay!

Noticed brown spotting today - not so much yay.

Why does this always happen on the weekend?

Why can't I look like this? (And I'm only having one baby!)

Flawless. Damn.

But seriously, 6 kids under the age of 7? Wow. I am in awe. Even with nannies and the like. Wow.

Anywho, I know it's been a while since I've posted, but I haven't really had all that much to report. Things have been pretty much plugging along. The nausea has mostly subsided and I'm starting to feel more like myself. I've actually gotten in a few brisk walks outside and started doing light weight training to tighten up my arms and the like. I'm trying to stay somewhat fit (not that I'm the picture of fitness), for a wedding that I'm in on November 1st. Yeah, I'll be 7.5 months pregnant...what of it?

My most anticipated event comes at 8:30EST Friday evening, when the Barron administers my final PIO shot! I (and my ass) have been waiting for this day for over 2 months. I have demanded that we go out on Saturday night to celebrate - for once I won't have to run home to get stuck! Yahoo!

Also visiting the OB on Wednesday. This will be my first OB visit and the first time I've seen the bean in about 3 weeks. Hopefully everything is progressing nicely.

...that dress is effing amazing. Gah!

Things are looking up

So, I've managed to string together three relatively nausea-free days and feel much more like myself. This of course has now led me to being nervous that I'm NOT feeling sick. "Is there something wrong?" etc.... Never a dull moment, I tell you.

Anywho, one of my closest friends had her baby on Monday. This friend is the person I was writing about when I started this blog. I can't believe how far we've come since then. She had a beautiful baby girl and is feeling all sorts of excitement. I know she's been through a lot to get here and I couldn't be happier for her.

Now, I just want to skip the next 7 months or so and have this kid. I can't wait. Oh, and another thing I can't wait for? May 16th - last PIO shot. I'm counting the days...so is my ass.

The hangover that never ends

Nausea. Won't go away. Won't give me an hour's peace. All I want to do is go outside for a walk, but I'm afraid of throwing up on a neighbors lawn. Please baby, give your mother a break.

The exception to the rule?

I just got off the phone with my mom. She's been telling people here and there about the pregnancy, (which is fine; I'm pretty much over trying to keep her quiet now) and everyone is reacting kindly. "She's so thrilled!", "She cried!", etc.

Then she asked me: "have you told anyone else yet?"
"Not really," I said. "I'll tell people when I see them".

Then I realized. I'm not really going out of my way to tell people. I could tell that she thought this was strange, but it's just how I feel. I am definitely excited, but I haven't gotten to the point of yelling and screaming and jumping around the house. Maybe it's the fear of something still going wrong, I don't know.

Also, and I know this sounds odd....I don't want to be defined by this pregnancy. Ever since I've told certain people about it, it's all they ask about:

"How are you feeling?"
"Are you excited?"
"Have you registered yet?"
etc...

I'm still me. Yes, I'm pregnant. Yes, I'm going to have a baby (God willing). But, I still work every day, still do my laundry, still watch TV and laugh with my husband. I'm still me, just with a little extra. Can we talk about something else, please?

Maybe it's the IF thing. I'm so used to being the infertile that this is just foreign to me. I'm still not sure how I should be reacting.

I kiss the sonogram picture on the fridge every day and read exerpts from the "pregnancy journal" to my husband on a nightly basis. I rub my belly and tell my baby how much we love it and can't wait to meet it every night. I look online at nursery furniture and bedding and strollers, but won't dare purchase a thing until at least the 2nd trimester...I do all of these things...I just don't feel like shouting it from the rooftops just yet. Am I the exception to the rule?

Graduation Day

Went in for our second sonogram and final beta draw this morning. Everything is progressing nicely, and we saw a heartbeat! I swear that was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. The RE printed out two copies of the sonogram (one for me and one for the Barron) and said, "this is your graduation certificate", meaning I'm done there. And, believe it or not, I have mixed emotions.

Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful to get released to my normal OB/GYN, but I have to say I'm going to miss those folks at the clinic. I have had nothing but a good experience with these people. Everyone (well, except for the receptionist) treated me with the utmost care and respect, and had the best possible bedside manner you could ask for. I have nothing bad to say about them and would recommend them to anyone on the East Coast.

After that, I came home and ate an entire bowl of macaroni and cheese. I'm having the weirdest cravings lately. It's not just one thing though - they come and go. All I know is, a mood will hit and I'll have to have whatever it is IMMEDIATELY. I'm trying to keep everything as healthy as possible, but sometimes I slip...hence the Mac & Cheese.

Official due date: December 19, 2008

Saltines do a body good

Nicole Kidman recently revealed in an interview that she is having a major bout with morning sickness (and btw, it's sad that she is about the same size as I am - belly wise- and about 7 months more pregnant!).

I've been wondering when the ol puke monster was going to rear it's ugly head in my home.

Well, it's here.

I keep getting violent waves of nausea throughout the day. I haven't yet puked, but it's only a matter of time. My diet today has consisted of cereal, saltines and ginger ale. Yay for carbs!

The Barron and I are trying to figure out when to tell our friends about the baby. We've been successfully avoiding them recently, but can't for too much longer without seeming anti-social. The PIO injections at night totally give us away, so we've just been staying in. I think we'll be telling our closest pair of friends this weekend and then slowly expanding the circle. Everyone already knows we've done IVF, so it's just a waiting game. Next time we do this (if we do) - I'm not telling anyone anything.

Well, that hit a nerve!

The Barron is excellent at administering my PIO shots. We've been doing them for over three weeks now, and have avoided any major pain or soreness from the injections. That is, until last night.

I iced my butt as per usual for about 15 minutes before the shot (while watching the Mets lose to the Cubs). Barron chose his spot, which is always in the same vicinity on either cheek, counted to three, and plunged in.

That's when it happened.

It felt like the needle was on fire. Immediately I felt a burning sensation all up and down my leg. Tears were filling my eyes, but I didn't want to scream and screw up the Barron. He checked for blood, but there was none in the syringe, so I told him just to get it over with. He injected the PIO and then pulled out the needle. THEN, the blood came. It was dripping down my leg and getting on my pjs and everything.

I'm guessing we had to have tweaked a nerve or something. Which is weird, because the needle was pretty much in the same spot as usual, give or take a millimeter or so. Maybe I'm just totally sore from the three weeks of shots? I dunno. All I know is now my ass is totally sore, I have a huge bruise, and I'm petrified of the shots again. Great.

Caution! Crazy Pregnant Lady on the loose!

So last night, I noticed a very slight amount of brown discharge and proceeded to have a complete and total freakout. I haven't had anything since (hopefully it'll stay that way), but thank God I have a sonogram today. I hope the baby (babies?) is still in there. I'm going to freak out about every little thing, aren't I?

Update later today...

...Update - Had sonogram - everything looks good! Got to see the little bean (yes, only one), yolk sac and all! Dr. said not to fret about the spotting - totally normal, and that all of my levels look nice and strong. I didn't bother asking for beta numbers again since Dr. actually said, "let us obsess over the numbers - one less thing for you to worry about". Love them. I'll actually be sad in a way when I have to leave their care to go to my normal OB/GYN. Wish they did that as well. Barron and I are off to grab some congratulatory dinner and ice cream. Yay!

Thoughts and Reflections

So, now that I've finally got my pregnancy, my mind is full of varying thoughts and confusion. I'm totally thrilled to be pregnant, don't get me wrong, but when people ask (and yes, I broke down and told people - more on that later) how I feel, my main answer is "weird".

Why weird? I don't know. I guess it's just that the Barron and I have been at this for so long and I've been setting myself up for disappointment that it just doesn't seem real. I'm also totally petrified of something going wrong. It's so friggin early in the process that there's a gazillion things that can still happen. I don't know if I'll be able to shake this until I have a real live baby in my hands. I know a lot of people feel this way when finally achieving pregnancy after IF, and it sucks that we just cant be completely and deliriously happy. Gah.

Some other thoughts:

Telling People: I talked w/ my mom yesterday on the phone and tried to avoid the topic, but it was an extremely awkward conversation and I could tell she was none to happy with me. After discussing it with the Barron, we decided to tell her and most of my immediate family (my sister, my aunt and my nephews - sisters sons are v. close in age to me - more like brothers). I asked my mom to please, please not spread the word yet. I'm not sure if she'll be able to stick to it, but I'm doing my damndest to keep it on the DL. The worst thing that could happen is for me to miscarry (God forbid) and have everyone calling me and asking a thousand questions.

How many babies are in there?: This is another major thing that is taking up a lot of brain space. We transferred three embryos. I only originally wanted to do two, but due to the quality of the embryos and the fact that there was only three, the Doctor thought my chances would be better with three. Now, of course I'm happy with whatever I get, but frankly, the idea of triplets frightens me! I'm not sure if we could handle it. I keep praying to God to send us only what we can handle. If we get one, two or three (please let them be healthy), I guess that's what we can handle. :)

Symptoms: Not much in this department except for extreme tiredness, painful boobs, and some cramping.

Thankfulness: All of this may make it seem like I'm not thankful, however I have never been more grateful in my life. I have so much to be thankful for and to look forward to, however I still feel somewhat like I've been robbed of the traditional joy that comes along with finding out you're pregnant. Am I crazy for feeling this way?

Somebody pinch me...

Went in for beta this morning. Just got off the phone with Dr.:

"Hello, Sully...Congratulations, you have a positive test!"

Two positive pee sticks pretty much gave me the idea, but hearing it officially from the Dr. really sealed the deal. I'm pregnant. Just typing that is absurd to me! I didn't ask for the actual beta, because I figured I might obsess over it. I go in next Monday for follow up beta and sonogram.

So, now comes the part of telling people. This has been a convo that the Barron and I have been having over the past week. My parents are aware of everything and my Mom has been a constant source of support throughout this entire process. However, she has a case of "loose lips". She knows I'm going to find out today, but I've managed to hold her off until the weekend before I tell her. Hubby and I wanted to have some time alone to process the news, and I know as soon as I tell her, the secret will be out. We've worked so hard to get here, I'm not ready for everyone and their brother to know...especially since it's sooo early and there's a ga-zillion things that can still go wrong. Am I wrong for holding off? We're not telling anyone else, either, but this is not your usual "Surprise, I'm pregnant!" situation. Gah...so, even though I get the awesomest news ever, I'm robbed of the well-thought-out surprising of the family members.

So, I broke down and...

Holy crap.

Here comes the sun...do do dee doo...

It's amazing what a little nice weather can do for your psyche. It's 75 and sunny here today. I'm listening to good music, getting a lot of work done, and just got back from a pedicure. It's the little things...right?

On the IF front, the spotting issue is still status quo, but I'm trying not to make myself crazy. I have to attribute a lot of my recent calmness to my amazing and wonderful husband whose faith has not wavered and who refuses to let me put any blame on myself (a thing that I have a tendency to do frequently). I am trying to keep hope alive and just praying that my body has the courtesy to at least get me to beta without bleeding.

I also received the go ahead to move up my PIO injection tomorrow so I can go to see my Mets play the Brewers. Luckily, the nurse was a Met fan as well and understood my dilemma. Basically, I should give tonights shot about an hour earlier and then tomorrow's another hour or so earlier and then work my way back up to 8:30 over the next few days.

See Spot Run

Still spotting. Mostly brown (for now). Trying to hold on to hope while avoiding pee-sticks, although I've already moved on mentally to what I'm going to do after my negative beta, which I'm convinced will happen. Another round of IVF is for certain, but when? Working out and dropping about 20 pounds is definite. Drinking a few good beers is another one. Hoping this doesn't come to fruition, but need to be realistic while still hanging on.

Another question for you ladies. How important is timing on the PIO shots? The Barron and I try to do them at about 8:30 PM nightly. This Friday, (if I even get to Friday sans-period) we have tickets to the Met game and I'd really like to go, but administering an injection in a ballpark will be difficult, and I'm sure security will confiscate my syringe anyway. Would doing my injection in the early evening make that much of a difference? I'll be asking the nurses as well, but looking for some feedback.

Thanks for all the well wishes and good thoughts. It's much appreciated, believe me.

Couldn't let this go without posting

These people can reproduce and I can't? Where is the justice in this world? That poor child.

Prove me wrong

A few weeks ago, in this post Tara commented

Isn't it funny how we *know* when our body isn't doing something it's supposed to. Even though we can't actually SEE what's going on in there.

That has been my story for the past two years. Ever since I came off the pill, something has been up. I have gotten every period in approximately 26 days or so, with at least 3 or four days of spotting ahead of time. Usually the spotting starts out as a light brown and progressively gets darker.

It's getting darker.

Now, I know this could be part of the IVF process, and everyone is telling me to have hope, but I know my body, and I haven't been wrong yet.

Please God, prove me wrong. I want to be wrong so badly.

Well that was pointless

Brown spotting this morning - this always happens a few days before my period. It's like clockwork. I feel like a fool. Of course this wasn't going to work for me. Silly girl.

Step away from the pee sticks, ma'am. 6dp3dt

Ok, before retrieval, I promised myself that I would avoid POAS-ing. I didn't want to get all excited over a false positive, or be all depressed over an early negative (which I know I will, even though I like to say I won't.)

However, that was before I was aware of the pure HELL of the 2WW. Man alive, does this suck. I don't know if I can live like this for another seven days. That's right, beta is 4/14 - an entire week away. I'd love to remain blissfully ignorant for another week, blowing kisses to the embryo photo on my fridge, rubbing my belly for extra encouragement, and checking the toilet paper for any spotting; but at the same time, I can't take this wait.

Is it to soon? Should I wait a few days? Should I wait till beta? I need some talking down from the ledge!

*yes, another South Park pic - can you tell I'm a fan?

This post brought to you by the letters "P" & "O"

I can't poop. There, I've said it. Ever since the darn PIO shots started, it's progressively become more difficult. The retrieval and transfer have me bloated enough, and now I have all of this additional bloat. Surely, I can't be the only one, can I?

Apple juice, senokot, broccoli, spicy foods; you name it, I've tried it. Anyone have any suggestions out there, or do I just ride this out? Ugh.

Everything else seems to be going fine. Still feeling crampy on and off, but managing to get things done. The stress of the 2WW has been replaced by stress about my job. I found out on Thursday that I'm losing yet another client, and there may be one more that follows. This puts me back to a very minimal salary. Just for comparison, I was raking in the dough back in the fall with 8 clients - I am now down to 3. Scary and stressful. Trying to stay calm for the embryos, but I'm at my wits end with this job. Ugh. Figures when I finally get into the IVF thing, work goes to shit.

Crampy

Crampy today. Is this good or is it my period? The way this week has been going, I'm thinking it's my period, but hoping it's not. 10 more days till beta - please no blood before then! Ignorance is bliss.

The waiting is the hardest part

I thought this phase would be the easiest. Less needles, no visits to the office, no sonos, no blood draws. Well, I was flat out WRONG. This sucks.

Here's a little background. I am an online marketing professional and am lucky enough to work from home. This has been extremely beneficial during this period, as I have been able to have a flexible schedule and continue working while having my feet up (I'm on my couch as we "speak"). However, not having the normal day to day co-worker interactions, meetings and general goings on of the work day leaves me alone with my thoughts, which is never a good thing.

I'm pretty much afraid to do anything at this point. Afraid to laugh, afraid to go to the bathroom, afraid to make any sudden movements. I don't want to give these guys anywhere to go but my uterus. I'm also obsessing over the fact that they were only 5 & 6 celled embryos. I was cool with it on Monday, but the longer I think about it, the more it bugs. I don't really feel much going on and I'm afraid it's a bust from the beginning. Argh! Stupid IF.

Three's a crowd

Got 2 5-cell and one 6-cell on board. They're not the greatest quality, but they're mine. Now we wait. Transfer was a breeze and I'm lounging on my couch watching opening day baseball. Stick embies, stick.

Hanging in there

All three embryos are holding on strong and "look good", so we're going in for a three-day transfer tomorrow morning. I'll be back to update as soon as I can - thanks for all the well wishes!

14 - 11 = 3

Ok, so I was right with the "questionable quality" of the 14 eggs. 11 weren't mature enough to fertilize, so that leaves us with three.

Three.

You know, leading up to this, I thought I'd be happy with three, but I have to say (and I hate myself for admitting this), the 14 eggs kind of got my hopes up. It's just that there's so many things that can go wrong between now and transfer. I just want to go to the lab now, and get those three embryos into my body so they can get their nourishment and grow. The lab says that they look good and transfer will most likely be Monday. They'll call again tomorrow with an update.

I know it only takes one, but I was hoping for some overflow to be safe. Stay strong for us embies! Please.

FOURTEEN? For real?

Retrieval this morning - 14 luscious eggs! Now, the doctor told me (and I'm sure) that a number of them are of questionable quality, but still - FOURTEEN! I can't believe it. I'm really discovering that it's the small accomplishments in IVF that can make your day.

All in all, the procedure went well. The Barron found himself a nice video, provided a sample and gave 'em a little pep talk. I was knocked out, so I didn't feel anything, but I think I made an ass of myself to the doctor and nurses post-procedure while coming out of my drug induced sleep. I pretty much acted like I do when I'm drunk. "Seriously, I just want to say that all of you are so wonderful. Everyone has treated me so great. I'm so happy" etc...guh. Now, I'm just a bit crampy and sleepy.

Now, we wait. Oh, and the Barron gets to stick a HUMONGOUS needle in my ass tonight. Great. Fertilize, eggies, fertilize!

Fert report tomorrow. Fingers and toes crossed.

Spank Tank

Back during Freshman year of college, my friend G had the most disgusting roommates I had ever met. One of them shared a bunk with G, sleeping on the bottom. This vile dude would cover the side of the lower bunk with towels while he was "doing his business" - hence, the spank tank was born.

I bring this up, because tomorrow, while I am having my eggs aspirated from my ovaries via a needle in my vadge, the Barron will be providing the clinic with the most important specimen of his life (no pressure, hon!). After discussions with the Barron about this process, I have determined that the spank tank from my college days would be preferable to the cold, bare room at the clinic.

Seeing as we live roughly an hour from our clinic, hubby has had to give all of his specimens in-house, rather than at home and transported via car. Back when we first started meeting with the RE, he had to use the room at the clinic for his analysis and commented on the lack of "appropriate material" to get his juices flowing (no pun intended). Oh sure, there are a few old Playboys a couple of Maxims, and some outdated DVD's, but come on - this stuff is important! We need to bring out the big guns here!

So, I have told the Barron to find the best "materials" that he can possibly find on the interwebs to bring with him. I want him to be as primed as possible so that we have the strongest, most virile swimmers available. He better enjoy this while he can.

(This posting was approved by the Barron - wouldn't embarrass him w/out clearing it w/him first! - Hope it wasn't offensive to any of you!) :)

Ripe and Ready

Trigger tonight! Retrieval Friday. Finish line in sight - hope I actually cross it!

The Fab Four

Sully: "So how many do you see"
Dr. C: "Four"
Sully: "Is that enough?"
Dr. C: "It will be."

Four growing follicles. Some folks have 17 - 20, others none at all. I'll take my four. I think I'll name 'em John, Paul, George and Ringo. Hopefully, these follies will be as successful as their namesakes!

The Dr. thinks I should be on stims for another day or so. Thank God, because I am OVER stims. And the funny thing is, it's not the needles that bug (good, considering that the needles will continue), but the damn reconstituting of the hormones. Reconstituting 8 vials of Bravelle/Repronex really starts to grate on the nerves (and eat up time)! Also, I have to say, my right arm is getting pretty angry at me for having all of my blood draws out of it...time to switch up to leftie, methinks.

Off to listen to some Beatles music - maybe the follies will perk up!

Moving right along

"It looks to me like your retrevial will be on Friday".....YEAH!

Still cautiously optimistic, but at least it looks like we may get to actually finish out this cycle. It's a small victory, but a victory just the same.

So, I've decided to get my little world organized this week in case I need a few days bedrest in the next week or so. First up is a little Spring cleaning, then some desk organization (I work at home), then getting rid of the clothes that no longer fit and are piling up on my chair by donating them. Other tasks shall be added, but you get the idea. I also need to get my laptop files organized in anticipation for the arrival of my new baby. No, I'm not that crazy optimistic to mean a human baby, I mean my shiny new laptop, which is scheduled to arrive later in the week! Woo hoo!

Feeling good today. Hopefully not jinxing myself by posting this.

Extra Help

I've always been an advanced learner. In elementary school, I was placed in the gifted program; in high school, the majority of my course load was AP classes, and in college, I took more Honors courses than not. I've never really had to deal with extra help (well, maybe in math), or what we here in NY know as "Regents Optional" classes....so this is all new to me.

The ovaries are getting put into detention. - they're still plugging along, but slooowly. Today's sono showed 5 eggs (or follies, not sure). I'm on the max dose of stims, so there's nothing more they can do except to split up my dosage. So, now it's one shot in the AM and one in PM, each w/4 vials. This does not bother me, as I'm willing to stick as many needles as necessary into my abdomen to make this work, but it sucks just the same.

Do they need a tutor? Maybe a little extra encouragement? I've started talking to them for chrissakes. "Just do me this favor and I'll be so good to you for the rest of my life...I swear". The RE keeps saying that my age works in my favor however (31), but how can that help when I have the ovaries of a slow - learning middle-ager?

I'd exchange all of those good grades back in the day to have these bad boys working as they should.

Walk, don't run

Saw yet another RE again today - think I've seen everyone in the practice by now. We're finally seeing follie development. Slow, but they're there. Told me not to panic. Not canceling (yet), but I'll probably be on stims for an extended period of time. "All you need are 3 follicles and 2 eggs and you still have a shot".

After coming out of the exam room, I ran into my original RE, whom I LOVE. He is the Director of the facility and only sees new patients and does the initial diagnostic testing (then passes you off to the IVF specialists). I was so happy just to see his face. Asked how I was, told him my frustrations, and he says: "It's still early, you'll probably be on stims for another 10 days or so. This is the issue with your body - we'll get it to work." I wanted to kiss him. Love that man.

So, waiting for the follow up call about my drugs. Thanks for all of your advice! I bothered the nurses today, showed them what I was seeing with the fluid loss and they told me that it wasn't a big deal - I have so many vials to mix that it's only natural.

Feeling much better today. I know it's still a long shot, but at least I'm still in the race!

Dangit!

Question for all of you ladies out in IF land. As I've noted, I'm currently maxing out on my stims and have to mix 8 vials of powder in 1 little cc of water. Problem is, when I finally get to that 8th bottle, I have inexplicably lost some water along the way. Not spilled out on the counter or anything, but it seems that the switching between bottle after bottle and the absorption of powder has led to the evaporation of some of the water. The nurse at the RE's office said that going one line above the "1" shouldn't be an issue, but I've been hitting about 1.5 - 2 lines above the "1" (after they switched me to the 8), and I can't seem to make it any better. The barron and I actually scrapped a full needle of stims to re-do it on a second syringe, which was only slightly better.

Has anyone else had this happen to them, or am I the only idiot out there? Any feedback would be appreciated. If this cycle doesn't work, I don't want to be sitting around going..."I fucked up my needles - that's why it didn't work".

Gah....I hate IF.

So much for optimism

Just got off the phone with the IVF nurse. My suspicions are correct. My body responded horribly to the stims at the start. Estradiol levels only went up marginally. I am now on the maximum dosage and just praying that my ovaries perk up and start getting to work! Please, please, please - let this work.

Needles and Pins

First off, let me say Happy St. Patrick's day to one and all. As an Irish-American, today is usually a day full of celebration and let's face it...drinking. I still plan on celebrating today, but it's going to be hard to resist the Guinness. Oh well...greater good, right? :)

Back in high school, I went to see Pulp Fiction with two of my friends at the local movie theatre. There is a scene in the movie where one of the characters shoots up heroin while driving his car. I remember watching that scene and having to avert my eyes from the screen because watching the needle go in bothered me so much. Ever since that day, I have been unable to view any type of needle on TV or in the movies. I also get faint pretty much every time I receive a vaccination, blood draw or anesthesia. Perfect candidate for IVF, right?

I never thought I would say this, but for the past 3 days, I have been successfully injecting myself with hormones as well as receiving regular blood draws. I watch the needles go in, I sink the plunger, and I pull it out. And, I'm still here. I'm in shock myself, I tell you. So, the first positive to come out of this entire process is that I am no longer in fear of needles (well, I'm still afraid of the scary PIO one - but I still have a few weeks for that!).

Anywho...things have been going alright so far ( I think). Had a blood draw and morning coffee with the dildocam yesterday and received an increase in my meds. I'm now on 8 vials of powder in one cc. That's a whole heck of a lot of hormones. The thing that is troubling me is that I haven't had any side-effects to date. Is that just lucky, or a sign that things aren't working? My ovaries are not in ideal shape, so I'm afraid that this already isn't working and I'm only 3 days in. Anyone have experience with this? I'm trying to remain as positive as possible, but I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that's saying "it's not going to work - stop fooling yourself". Gah!!!!

I could use that Guinness right about now.

Client #9

Ok, I have determined that nothing in the world is weirder than discussing the current sex - scandal of NY's former Governor Spitzer with the RE while he is giving you a vaginal sonogram. Nothing.

Yeah, that was my morning.

I'm sure he meant well, and was trying to distract me from the procedure, but it was a bit surreal.

Today is officially the start of IVF #1. Had my bloodwork and baseline sonogram today, and the Barron and I got a quick lesson in stim injections. We also paid our balance in full, and let me just say, thank Jesus for the Barron's health insurance. We are extremely lucky to have a great deal of our expenses covered for this. For those of you who don't, I truly do feel for you - I don't know if I could do this if we didn't have coverage. I really do think that congress should put some pressure on the insurance companies to include fertility treatments in their basic coverage.

Anywho, I start stims tomorrow night. Last Friday, I was out at a bar living up my last weekend of drinking, and this Friday, I'll be pumping myself full of hormones. 2 Repronex and 4 Bravelle. Seems like an awful lot to me. I'm sure I'll be a raving lunatic by Saturday evening. (For those of you who are wondering, due to my FSH levels, my protocol did not include Lupron. I've been on the pill for a month and am just now starting stims.)

I'm so excited to finally be getting things underway! At the same time, I know that in about 3 weeks time, I'll either be ecstatic or completely lost. Here's to hoping for the first.

Still figuring this out

I just realized that I have comments! Yay! So, to those of you who have been reading and wondering why I'm being so selfish and haven't written back, I apologize. I'm a dope at blogging. I promise I'll get better :)

Who am I?

Well, I'm heading to the RE's tomorrow for my first official "Injections 101" lesson, along w/ baseline sono (love that dildocam), blood work, and of course, payment in full. So, I should be posting more frequently in the coming weeks, which brings me to...

My story. I realize I haven't said much about my background to date, and I've always found it helpful when reading other's blogs. So...without further adieu.....

The Barron and I got married back in 2002 - we were in no rush at the time to start a family, and silly me, being convinced that I'd get knocked up at the drop of a hat went on the pill. This was no small decision for me. I was raised Catholic (still am) and my parents are of the old belief that birth control (along with pre-marital sex) was against my faith (although they have loosened up with this in recent months considering their open-ess to IVF). Needless to say, I was wracked with guilt over going on the pill and swore that 3 years would be my cutoff point.

Fast forward to 2006. We had just purchased our house and were ready to start the process. I came off the pill in February and we waited until July to get started. Months pass....other friends get pregnant...babies are born, negative test, negative test. Money spent on OPK tests, pregnancy tests, pre-seed and the like. I'm thinking something is wrong. Everyone is telling me "just relax".

A woman knows her own body and when something isn't right. That's all I have to say about that.

I go in for my regular pap in 07 and my OBGYN referrs me to an RE "just to check things out". RE is awesome, schedules me and the Barron for some tests. Barron is all good - has super sperm - yay for him! Everything looks good on my sono, so I get signed up for the HSG. HSG is a miserable experience. I know for some of you ladies out there it wasn't so bad, but for me, it was awful. My single worst experience (to date) in this entire process. Results are clear. RE says "give it a few more months".

A few more months pass. I am given a 3 day blood test and then scheduled for a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, D&C and tubal lavage (phew). Only after all of this do we get to the diagnosis, which brings us to today.

I've spent the last few months depressed over this entire thing and am feeling optimistic for the first time in a long time. I know it's a long shot, but by this time next month, I might be pregnant. I also know that my wait and struggle hasn't been as long or as problematic as some others, but I feel that infertility is a major obstacle in itself and every person who goes through it is stronger for it (even though it royally sucks).

I'm also so excited to see that I made the blogroll on Stirrup Queens - I guess I really have to start writing better now!

Fra - GEE - lay

During November and December, I love waiting for the various deliveries that will end up on my porch holding holiday gifts for loved ones and sometimes even for me. I hear the UPS truck coming down the street and get all excited. Who's gift is it? Is it something that the Barron ordered for me? Should I shake the box? Does it look as nice as it did online?

The drugs (yes, THE drugs) will be arriving on my doorstep between 3 - 7 PM. Even though this delivery is not a gift by any means, I find myself looking out the window at every car/truck that goes by. This is the delivery that's going to get things started. This is the delivery of the items that could potentially give us the child we've been longing for. Therefore, I can confidently say that this is quite possibly the most important delivery I will receive.

Handle with care, pharmacy delivery people.

Behind every cloud...

There is hope!

Met with the new RE today - we are forging ahead with IVF! This is the first time I've been excited in months. He mentioned that he's had success with women having higher FSH levels than me - no guarantees, of course, but thats fine.

Now all I have to do is wait for aunt flo, and we can get this show on the road!

Fingers and toes crossed!

When it rains....

In the last week, I have lost three clients. Those three clients equal almost $5K of my monthly salary. This is a big blow for me, especially considering the fact that I am scheduled to meet for my IVF consult in a week. I knew that this was inevitable - it's the nature of my work (I work from home as an outsourced marketing professional), but I've been riding high for so long. What's worse is that these are clients who I never expected to leave. These were the solid ones. So now, I'm left with some shaky clients who may still bail, a $3K per month mortgage and IVF fees coming down the pipeline. I'd love to just put IVF on hold, but my effing body and it's rapidly aging ovaries are not going to let that happen. I feel the walls closing in. I can't cope right now. Panic is setting in.

The time is now

Well, I'm back. My time in Ireland was amazing and relaxing. No email, no cell phone (too cheap to buy an international plan), and no thoughts about the big IVF. Now, I'm home. I'm giving this month one more shot, and when AF arrives (which she will), I'll be calling the RE to get this show on the road. I'm scared and excited and most prominently, nervous. I'm nervous that this is my last shot. I may never get the chance to carry my own child inside me. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.