It is what it is

This is what I told my husband yesterday when I found out that my comrade in infertility (ectopic, only one tube) had successfully become pregnant. Predictably, I cried my eyes out for about an hour. Why was I crying? Let's see:

• I am not pregnant
• my FSH level is an 11 and therefore means that my ovaries are acting a lot like the ovaries of an older woman.
• I don't even know what my next plan of action is, but I'm sure it involves needles and lots of mood-altering drugs
• I am thrilled for my friend and filled with guilt over my jealousy
• I have to go to dinner Saturday night with all of my friends and their respective infants and listen to this particular friend announce the news.
• I have to pretend not to be crying on the inside at said dinner
• I am tired. So tired of all of this, and I'm not even in as deep as some people can get.
• I have been researching adoption and see that it could take up to 3 years to get a child...if that.

Needless to say, after an extremely productive week last week in which I was very proud of myself for my progress, I have gotten absolutely nothing done today. Instead, I have chosen to watch "Legally Blonde the Musical", drink 3 cups of coffee and read various infertility blogs to make myself feel better. I'll just start working at 7AM tomorrow to try and make up for lost time.

Anywho, hubby held me while I cried and said all of the things that he's supposed to say, and I love him for it. It is what it is. I can't do anything to change it. I just have to keep going.