Monday, October 22, 2007

There's a silver lining

So, today is tremendously better than the last time I posted. As the week progressed, I was able to put my life into perspective and forge ahead. Of course there are horrible days where I don't want to get out of bed and just cry my eyes out, but then there are the days where I'm okay with the situation. I don't have to deal with my life being in upheaval due to a baby. I get to sleep in on the weekends. I can still fit into my clothes, workout and drink. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and I can travel. These are the thoughts that keep me going. Selfish sometimes, yes. But, it helps me to justify things to myself.

Dinnner on Saturday wasn't as rough as I thought it was going to be. Newly preggo friend was very sensitive to how I might feel. So sensitive, that I kept asking her questions about her pregnancy just so she could feel free to talk about it. I don't want her to have to feel like she can't revel in her happiness just because my life sucks. :)

It's a beautiful fall day outside. I think I'll go for a walk and breathe the fresh air. Baby steps...

Monday, October 15, 2007

It is what it is

This is what I told my husband yesterday when I found out that my comrade in infertility (ectopic, only one tube) had successfully become pregnant. Predictably, I cried my eyes out for about an hour. Why was I crying? Let's see:

  • I am not pregnant
  • my FSH level is an 11 and therefore means that my ovaries are acting a lot like the ovaries of an older woman.
  • I don't even know what my next plan of action is, but I'm sure it involves needles and lots of mood-altering drugs
  • I am thrilled for my friend and filled with guilt over my jealousy
  • I have to go to dinner Saturday night with all of my friends and their respective infants and listen to this particular friend announce the news.
  • I have to pretend not to be crying on the inside at said dinner
  • I am tired. So tired of all of this, and I'm not even in as deep as some people can get.
  • I have been researching adoption and see that it could take up to 3 years to get a child...if that.
Needless to say, after an extremely productive week last week in which I was very proud of myself for my progress, I have gotten absolutely nothing done today. Instead, I have chosen to watch "Legally Blonde the Musical", drink 3 cups of coffee and read various infertility blogs to make myself feel better. I'll just start working at 7AM tomorrow to try and make up for lost time.

Anywho, hubby held me while I cried and said all of the things that he's supposed to say, and I love him for it. It is what it is. I can't do anything to change it. I just have to keep going.