Monday, December 31, 2007

Starting fresh?

I am so glad to see this year coming to an end. This will always be the year where I lost my optimistic look on things. The year where I came to realize that things aren't always as easy as we think they're going to be. The year when my friends and I started drifting apart, but they didn't notice. The year when I felt like I just couldn't fit anywhere. Tomorrow is the start of a new year, a clean slate, full of hope (and fear).

The Barron and I head off to Ireland on Friday for ten days of exploration. I cannot wait, but deep down inside, I am anxious. I know that when I come back, I will be making an appointment with the RE for my IVF consultation, and then we're off to needle central. Not something I'm looking forward to.

2008 will also bring a blogroll, more frequent updates, and hopefully some readers! (are you out there?) If you happen to be one of them, Happy New Year to you and I hope all of your dreams become realities!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

It's the most wonderful time....nah.

If I ever reproduce, I swear I will never send out pictures of my children that double as "cards". Why, you may ask?

1. I won't send any possibly infertile friends into a crying jag over my incredibly cute baby dressed in holiday garb knowing that they may never get to do so.
2. These are all pre-printed and have taken me no time to sit and write out and therefore, lack feeling.
3. See #1

Am I a horrible person for being somewhat pissed off at my friends who have kids (and whose lives subsequently revolve around them)?

Yes, but I don't care.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

There's a WEEK for this?

Happy National Infertility Awareness Week! I had no idea there even was one. Too bad it's already 3/4 of the way over. I obtained this information from another woman's blog. Shouldn't this information be more readily available to the public? Oh well.

Speaking of blogs, in my quest to find out everything IVF, I've been reading the blogs of a number of brave women, who have blogged candidly (and sometimes hilariously) about their struggles with infertility, their disappointments and their accomplishments. I plan on getting a blogroll together shortly so that anyone who visits me will be sure to check some of these women out. They are so much better than I am at putting all of this into words.

I have also throughly petrified myself by researching the medication and number of needles needed to even start the IVF process. Good Lord! I have a huge phobia of needles, and the hub isn't much better. Jeez, I don't know how we're going to do this...but, we will.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

The internet - a blessing and a curse

I work online. All day, every day, I am on the internet researching, reporting and yes, slacking off. Generally most of my slacking is done by reading celebrity gossip blogs and the like. My dirty little secret though is that I have a bookmark folder called "preggo stuff". This folder contains the sites trendy maternity designers, baby announcements, nursery furnishings, baby clothes, etc. I started it back in July of 06 when we started on this journey. I never thought it'd be sitting stagnant for so long. Now, I'm trying to decide if I should delete it...maybe I can archive it, so I still have the resources, if the day ever comes.

Anyway, lately, I've been bookmarking infertility blogs and sites about IVF and premature menopause. It's funny, but the last thing really has me upset. All of the side-effects of menopause are things that I never thought I'd have to experience before I was 50, and now it's a reality that I may be facing this in 5 -10 years. What will become of me? Will I still be attractive to my husband when I am no longer fertile and my sex drive is affected (not that I'm all that wild and crazy, but still).

All this information at my fingertips, causing me to slowly go mad....a blessing and a curse, indeed.

Friday, November 2, 2007

So THAT'S the problem!

My eggs are rotten.

That's pretty much the deal. Went to the RE yesterday for a follow up after my laparoscopy, and that's the information I got.

Basically, he showed us a video of my lap. I knew something was wrong immediately when he was scrolling through the tape (yes, a videotape - hello, 21st century!!!) of other patients laps and said to me "that's not yours - I know it when I see it". So obviously, something is up. And it is. It seems that my ovaries, like the rest of me, are small. Small and unhealthy. Resulting in unhealthy eggs.

This means a number of things.
It is very difficult, but not impossible for me to get pregnant the natural way
IVF is the recommended option, but is still less likely to work for me than for a "normal" patient.
Due to the unhealthy ovaries, my FSH levels are high for a woman my age, and I'm most likely to go through an early menopause. That one was rough to hear.

So, what's next? IVF. Yep, that's right, I, who am petrified of all things needle, am going to inject myself with numerous drugs and such for something that isn't even a guarantee.

We're going to wait until after the holidays and our trip to Ireland (yay)! Once that's all done, I'm going to go all health-Nazi - no more alcohol, caffeine, etc...I want my body to be the perfect environment for this potential baby. I don't want to screw this up. I have 2 shots at this (according to my insurance).

So, that's where I stand now. I'm handling this better than I thought I would. I'm actually more upset for the Barron I think it actually hit him yesterday what we're in for, and I can't help but feel terrible about this. I sometimes wonder if he knew this before we got married if he would have had second thoughts. I think I would have.

Monday, October 22, 2007

There's a silver lining

So, today is tremendously better than the last time I posted. As the week progressed, I was able to put my life into perspective and forge ahead. Of course there are horrible days where I don't want to get out of bed and just cry my eyes out, but then there are the days where I'm okay with the situation. I don't have to deal with my life being in upheaval due to a baby. I get to sleep in on the weekends. I can still fit into my clothes, workout and drink. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and I can travel. These are the thoughts that keep me going. Selfish sometimes, yes. But, it helps me to justify things to myself.

Dinnner on Saturday wasn't as rough as I thought it was going to be. Newly preggo friend was very sensitive to how I might feel. So sensitive, that I kept asking her questions about her pregnancy just so she could feel free to talk about it. I don't want her to have to feel like she can't revel in her happiness just because my life sucks. :)

It's a beautiful fall day outside. I think I'll go for a walk and breathe the fresh air. Baby steps...

Monday, October 15, 2007

It is what it is

This is what I told my husband yesterday when I found out that my comrade in infertility (ectopic, only one tube) had successfully become pregnant. Predictably, I cried my eyes out for about an hour. Why was I crying? Let's see:

  • I am not pregnant
  • my FSH level is an 11 and therefore means that my ovaries are acting a lot like the ovaries of an older woman.
  • I don't even know what my next plan of action is, but I'm sure it involves needles and lots of mood-altering drugs
  • I am thrilled for my friend and filled with guilt over my jealousy
  • I have to go to dinner Saturday night with all of my friends and their respective infants and listen to this particular friend announce the news.
  • I have to pretend not to be crying on the inside at said dinner
  • I am tired. So tired of all of this, and I'm not even in as deep as some people can get.
  • I have been researching adoption and see that it could take up to 3 years to get a child...if that.
Needless to say, after an extremely productive week last week in which I was very proud of myself for my progress, I have gotten absolutely nothing done today. Instead, I have chosen to watch "Legally Blonde the Musical", drink 3 cups of coffee and read various infertility blogs to make myself feel better. I'll just start working at 7AM tomorrow to try and make up for lost time.

Anywho, hubby held me while I cried and said all of the things that he's supposed to say, and I love him for it. It is what it is. I can't do anything to change it. I just have to keep going.