See you at tha crossroads...

I've been sitting on this post for some time now...it isn't necessarily IF or G related for that matter, but both do come into play.

I'm finding myself at a crossroads. As you know, I lost my job a few months ago. It wasn't something that I loved doing per se, but it did give me the ability to work from home and make a decent income. I was also good at it. My boss was an incompetent fool who believed in crystals and thought of herself as a "Goddess" and told me that by firing me, she was freeing me up to "find my calling". What a crock of shit.

Anywho, fast forward to a few months later. I have been able to pick up some additional work. Still working from home, but making a fraction of what I was before. I know I'm lucky compared to a LOT of other people out there right now, but it still smarts. The Barron is also gainfully employed (for now), so we are able to stay above water.

The main problem, however? I'm working for a friend.

Long story short, this friend is a previous co-worker. She had hooked me up with an interview for a full - time position at her company (with benefits!) which was all but locked down. I was supposed to be hired in May. The contract fell through, and here I sit. In the interim, I had turned down two decent offers to hold out for the first.

My friend is also an entrepreneur and she has thrown me some work from her side company to keep me going. I know I should be appreciative, and I am, but I can't help but thinking that I've made a major mistake. However, I'm not sure what the major mistake was.

• Was is taking a job from this friend?
• Was it turning down the other opportunities?
• Was it moving to the contractor side of things 5 years ago?
• Was it moving to this industry 7 years ago?
• Was it taking any paying job I could get straight out of college, sending me on this path to begin with?
• Was it majoring in (gasp!) Communications in college?

I'm thinking it's the last option. Upon graduation, I had delusions of moving out to California and getting a job in film production. Three months later, I was working in publishing as it was the only job I could find in NY that would give me benefits and was somewhat in my field. After that, I bounced from publishing job to publishing job, never really loving what I was doing, but collecting a paycheck just the same.

After that, I moved into the online world, where opportunity was endless (or so I thought). And now, here I am. I don't think I want to do this anymore, but I also don't know what I want to do otherwise. I want to have another child, and being the lucky IF'er that I am, I will need to get a paycheck in order to do so.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. It feels good to get it out though, which I all I really wanted to do right now.

Client #9

Ok, I have determined that nothing in the world is weirder than discussing the current sex - scandal of NY's former Governor Spitzer with the RE while he is giving you a vaginal sonogram. Nothing.

Yeah, that was my morning.

I'm sure he meant well, and was trying to distract me from the procedure, but it was a bit surreal.

Today is officially the start of IVF #1. Had my bloodwork and baseline sonogram today, and the Barron and I got a quick lesson in stim injections. We also paid our balance in full, and let me just say, thank Jesus for the Barron's health insurance. We are extremely lucky to have a great deal of our expenses covered for this. For those of you who don't, I truly do feel for you - I don't know if I could do this if we didn't have coverage. I really do think that congress should put some pressure on the insurance companies to include fertility treatments in their basic coverage.

Anywho, I start stims tomorrow night. Last Friday, I was out at a bar living up my last weekend of drinking, and this Friday, I'll be pumping myself full of hormones. 2 Repronex and 4 Bravelle. Seems like an awful lot to me. I'm sure I'll be a raving lunatic by Saturday evening. (For those of you who are wondering, due to my FSH levels, my protocol did not include Lupron. I've been on the pill for a month and am just now starting stims.)

I'm so excited to finally be getting things underway! At the same time, I know that in about 3 weeks time, I'll either be ecstatic or completely lost. Here's to hoping for the first.

When it rains....

In the last week, I have lost three clients. Those three clients equal almost $5K of my monthly salary. This is a big blow for me, especially considering the fact that I am scheduled to meet for my IVF consult in a week. I knew that this was inevitable - it's the nature of my work (I work from home as an outsourced marketing professional), but I've been riding high for so long. What's worse is that these are clients who I never expected to leave. These were the solid ones. So now, I'm left with some shaky clients who may still bail, a $3K per month mortgage and IVF fees coming down the pipeline. I'd love to just put IVF on hold, but my effing body and it's rapidly aging ovaries are not going to let that happen. I feel the walls closing in. I can't cope right now. Panic is setting in.