Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Thoughts and Reflections

So, now that I've finally got my pregnancy, my mind is full of varying thoughts and confusion. I'm totally thrilled to be pregnant, don't get me wrong, but when people ask (and yes, I broke down and told people - more on that later) how I feel, my main answer is "weird".

Why weird? I don't know. I guess it's just that the Barron and I have been at this for so long and I've been setting myself up for disappointment that it just doesn't seem real. I'm also totally petrified of something going wrong. It's so friggin early in the process that there's a gazillion things that can still happen. I don't know if I'll be able to shake this until I have a real live baby in my hands. I know a lot of people feel this way when finally achieving pregnancy after IF, and it sucks that we just cant be completely and deliriously happy. Gah.

Some other thoughts:

Telling People: I talked w/ my mom yesterday on the phone and tried to avoid the topic, but it was an extremely awkward conversation and I could tell she was none to happy with me. After discussing it with the Barron, we decided to tell her and most of my immediate family (my sister, my aunt and my nephews - sisters sons are v. close in age to me - more like brothers). I asked my mom to please, please not spread the word yet. I'm not sure if she'll be able to stick to it, but I'm doing my damndest to keep it on the DL. The worst thing that could happen is for me to miscarry (God forbid) and have everyone calling me and asking a thousand questions.

How many babies are in there?: This is another major thing that is taking up a lot of brain space. We transferred three embryos. I only originally wanted to do two, but due to the quality of the embryos and the fact that there was only three, the Doctor thought my chances would be better with three. Now, of course I'm happy with whatever I get, but frankly, the idea of triplets frightens me! I'm not sure if we could handle it. I keep praying to God to send us only what we can handle. If we get one, two or three (please let them be healthy), I guess that's what we can handle. :)

Symptoms: Not much in this department except for extreme tiredness, painful boobs, and some cramping.

Thankfulness: All of this may make it seem like I'm not thankful, however I have never been more grateful in my life. I have so much to be thankful for and to look forward to, however I still feel somewhat like I've been robbed of the traditional joy that comes along with finding out you're pregnant. Am I crazy for feeling this way?


Tara said...

If you're crazy then so am I. You pretty much just summed up how I feel about the whole situation.

And interestingly enough - when people ask how I feel - the first word that comes out of my mouth is... "weird". Interesting that you used the same word to describe how you are feeling.

I don't know what happens from here and what we are supposed to do and how we get over the intese fear that something will go wrong. I don't know how we are supposed to get to the place where it's not scary to tell people, or to the place where we just feel bliss.

If you find out, let me know.

sara said...

I could have written your post myself! You are not crazy, well if you are then I am crazy as well. Although I can't think of a nicer person to be crazy with than you!
We definitely have a right to feel robbed. I feel it almost daily sometimes. As far as telling people...I am terrified to tell too many people because I am terrified something will go wrong and then what? So what you are feeling is completely normal, and I'm sure things will change for both of us soon! I know it's easier said than done, but how about both of us trying together to try and start enjoying this a little bit. I think we both deserve some happiness! I can't believe we both did it...congrats!

tam said...

I am certain that if I ever manage to get pregnant, I will have the same answer to that question. I mean, I've been feeling weird even at the *possibility* that I might be pregnant. I think it makes you seem normal and honest that you say that.

Yeah, you know, you have been robbed of the traditional joy. However, I think you might be surprised at how many people, even those that didn't pay an arm and a leg to get pregnant, feel terrified when they first find out their pregnant. Honestly, I can only imagine that a true fool wouldn't. And granted, there are lots of idiots out there who are blissfully pregnant and not the least bit concerned, but I have a feeling even if you never had fertility issues, you would be pretty worried right now, because you're intelligent, thoughtful, and cautious. It's so often a curse, isn't it?

I am so thrilled for you, Sully. Keep us posted.

tam said...

Ugh. Allow me a correction to the previous comment, please: when they first find out THEY'RE pregnant. I need to proofread more.

Rebecca said...

Deciding whether or not to tell is the scariest thing. So many people knew what I was going through that I didn't actually have a choice, but it's totally your decision. I was a wreck (still am) about miscarrying and that's your're the Mom after all. Congrats and good luck!

sara said...

I'm doing okay...just hanging in there a day at a about yourself? I was thinking of you today..then I saw your comment. Great minds think alike?