So, now that I've finally got my pregnancy, my mind is full of varying thoughts and confusion. I'm totally thrilled to be pregnant, don't get me wrong, but when people ask (and yes, I broke down and told people - more on that later) how I feel, my main answer is "weird".
Why weird? I don't know. I guess it's just that the Barron and I have been at this for so long and I've been setting myself up for disappointment that it just doesn't seem real. I'm also totally petrified of something going wrong. It's so friggin early in the process that there's a gazillion things that can still happen. I don't know if I'll be able to shake this until I have a real live baby in my hands. I know a lot of people feel this way when finally achieving pregnancy after IF, and it sucks that we just cant be completely and deliriously happy. Gah.
Some other thoughts:
Telling People: I talked w/ my mom yesterday on the phone and tried to avoid the topic, but it was an extremely awkward conversation and I could tell she was none to happy with me. After discussing it with the Barron, we decided to tell her and most of my immediate family (my sister, my aunt and my nephews - sisters sons are v. close in age to me - more like brothers). I asked my mom to please, please not spread the word yet. I'm not sure if she'll be able to stick to it, but I'm doing my damndest to keep it on the DL. The worst thing that could happen is for me to miscarry (God forbid) and have everyone calling me and asking a thousand questions.
How many babies are in there?: This is another major thing that is taking up a lot of brain space. We transferred three embryos. I only originally wanted to do two, but due to the quality of the embryos and the fact that there was only three, the Doctor thought my chances would be better with three. Now, of course I'm happy with whatever I get, but frankly, the idea of triplets frightens me! I'm not sure if we could handle it. I keep praying to God to send us only what we can handle. If we get one, two or three (please let them be healthy), I guess that's what we can handle. :)
Symptoms: Not much in this department except for extreme tiredness, painful boobs, and some cramping.
Thankfulness: All of this may make it seem like I'm not thankful, however I have never been more grateful in my life. I have so much to be thankful for and to look forward to, however I still feel somewhat like I've been robbed of the traditional joy that comes along with finding out you're pregnant. Am I crazy for feeling this way?