Graduation Day

Went in for our second sonogram and final beta draw this morning. Everything is progressing nicely, and we saw a heartbeat! I swear that was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. The RE printed out two copies of the sonogram (one for me and one for the Barron) and said, "this is your graduation certificate", meaning I'm done there. And, believe it or not, I have mixed emotions.

Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful to get released to my normal OB/GYN, but I have to say I'm going to miss those folks at the clinic. I have had nothing but a good experience with these people. Everyone (well, except for the receptionist) treated me with the utmost care and respect, and had the best possible bedside manner you could ask for. I have nothing bad to say about them and would recommend them to anyone on the East Coast.

After that, I came home and ate an entire bowl of macaroni and cheese. I'm having the weirdest cravings lately. It's not just one thing though - they come and go. All I know is, a mood will hit and I'll have to have whatever it is IMMEDIATELY. I'm trying to keep everything as healthy as possible, but sometimes I slip...hence the Mac & Cheese.

Official due date: December 19, 2008

Saltines do a body good

Nicole Kidman recently revealed in an interview that she is having a major bout with morning sickness (and btw, it's sad that she is about the same size as I am - belly wise- and about 7 months more pregnant!).

I've been wondering when the ol puke monster was going to rear it's ugly head in my home.

Well, it's here.

I keep getting violent waves of nausea throughout the day. I haven't yet puked, but it's only a matter of time. My diet today has consisted of cereal, saltines and ginger ale. Yay for carbs!

The Barron and I are trying to figure out when to tell our friends about the baby. We've been successfully avoiding them recently, but can't for too much longer without seeming anti-social. The PIO injections at night totally give us away, so we've just been staying in. I think we'll be telling our closest pair of friends this weekend and then slowly expanding the circle. Everyone already knows we've done IVF, so it's just a waiting game. Next time we do this (if we do) - I'm not telling anyone anything.

Well, that hit a nerve!

The Barron is excellent at administering my PIO shots. We've been doing them for over three weeks now, and have avoided any major pain or soreness from the injections. That is, until last night.

I iced my butt as per usual for about 15 minutes before the shot (while watching the Mets lose to the Cubs). Barron chose his spot, which is always in the same vicinity on either cheek, counted to three, and plunged in.

That's when it happened.

It felt like the needle was on fire. Immediately I felt a burning sensation all up and down my leg. Tears were filling my eyes, but I didn't want to scream and screw up the Barron. He checked for blood, but there was none in the syringe, so I told him just to get it over with. He injected the PIO and then pulled out the needle. THEN, the blood came. It was dripping down my leg and getting on my pjs and everything.

I'm guessing we had to have tweaked a nerve or something. Which is weird, because the needle was pretty much in the same spot as usual, give or take a millimeter or so. Maybe I'm just totally sore from the three weeks of shots? I dunno. All I know is now my ass is totally sore, I have a huge bruise, and I'm petrified of the shots again. Great.

Caution! Crazy Pregnant Lady on the loose!

So last night, I noticed a very slight amount of brown discharge and proceeded to have a complete and total freakout. I haven't had anything since (hopefully it'll stay that way), but thank God I have a sonogram today. I hope the baby (babies?) is still in there. I'm going to freak out about every little thing, aren't I?

Update later today...

...Update - Had sonogram - everything looks good! Got to see the little bean (yes, only one), yolk sac and all! Dr. said not to fret about the spotting - totally normal, and that all of my levels look nice and strong. I didn't bother asking for beta numbers again since Dr. actually said, "let us obsess over the numbers - one less thing for you to worry about". Love them. I'll actually be sad in a way when I have to leave their care to go to my normal OB/GYN. Wish they did that as well. Barron and I are off to grab some congratulatory dinner and ice cream. Yay!

Thoughts and Reflections

So, now that I've finally got my pregnancy, my mind is full of varying thoughts and confusion. I'm totally thrilled to be pregnant, don't get me wrong, but when people ask (and yes, I broke down and told people - more on that later) how I feel, my main answer is "weird".

Why weird? I don't know. I guess it's just that the Barron and I have been at this for so long and I've been setting myself up for disappointment that it just doesn't seem real. I'm also totally petrified of something going wrong. It's so friggin early in the process that there's a gazillion things that can still happen. I don't know if I'll be able to shake this until I have a real live baby in my hands. I know a lot of people feel this way when finally achieving pregnancy after IF, and it sucks that we just cant be completely and deliriously happy. Gah.

Some other thoughts:

Telling People: I talked w/ my mom yesterday on the phone and tried to avoid the topic, but it was an extremely awkward conversation and I could tell she was none to happy with me. After discussing it with the Barron, we decided to tell her and most of my immediate family (my sister, my aunt and my nephews - sisters sons are v. close in age to me - more like brothers). I asked my mom to please, please not spread the word yet. I'm not sure if she'll be able to stick to it, but I'm doing my damndest to keep it on the DL. The worst thing that could happen is for me to miscarry (God forbid) and have everyone calling me and asking a thousand questions.

How many babies are in there?: This is another major thing that is taking up a lot of brain space. We transferred three embryos. I only originally wanted to do two, but due to the quality of the embryos and the fact that there was only three, the Doctor thought my chances would be better with three. Now, of course I'm happy with whatever I get, but frankly, the idea of triplets frightens me! I'm not sure if we could handle it. I keep praying to God to send us only what we can handle. If we get one, two or three (please let them be healthy), I guess that's what we can handle. :)

Symptoms: Not much in this department except for extreme tiredness, painful boobs, and some cramping.

Thankfulness: All of this may make it seem like I'm not thankful, however I have never been more grateful in my life. I have so much to be thankful for and to look forward to, however I still feel somewhat like I've been robbed of the traditional joy that comes along with finding out you're pregnant. Am I crazy for feeling this way?

Somebody pinch me...

Went in for beta this morning. Just got off the phone with Dr.:

"Hello, Sully...Congratulations, you have a positive test!"

Two positive pee sticks pretty much gave me the idea, but hearing it officially from the Dr. really sealed the deal. I'm pregnant. Just typing that is absurd to me! I didn't ask for the actual beta, because I figured I might obsess over it. I go in next Monday for follow up beta and sonogram.

So, now comes the part of telling people. This has been a convo that the Barron and I have been having over the past week. My parents are aware of everything and my Mom has been a constant source of support throughout this entire process. However, she has a case of "loose lips". She knows I'm going to find out today, but I've managed to hold her off until the weekend before I tell her. Hubby and I wanted to have some time alone to process the news, and I know as soon as I tell her, the secret will be out. We've worked so hard to get here, I'm not ready for everyone and their brother to know...especially since it's sooo early and there's a ga-zillion things that can still go wrong. Am I wrong for holding off? We're not telling anyone else, either, but this is not your usual "Surprise, I'm pregnant!" situation. Gah...so, even though I get the awesomest news ever, I'm robbed of the well-thought-out surprising of the family members.

So, I broke down and...

Holy crap.

Here comes the sun...do do dee doo...

It's amazing what a little nice weather can do for your psyche. It's 75 and sunny here today. I'm listening to good music, getting a lot of work done, and just got back from a pedicure. It's the little things...right?

On the IF front, the spotting issue is still status quo, but I'm trying not to make myself crazy. I have to attribute a lot of my recent calmness to my amazing and wonderful husband whose faith has not wavered and who refuses to let me put any blame on myself (a thing that I have a tendency to do frequently). I am trying to keep hope alive and just praying that my body has the courtesy to at least get me to beta without bleeding.

I also received the go ahead to move up my PIO injection tomorrow so I can go to see my Mets play the Brewers. Luckily, the nurse was a Met fan as well and understood my dilemma. Basically, I should give tonights shot about an hour earlier and then tomorrow's another hour or so earlier and then work my way back up to 8:30 over the next few days.

See Spot Run

Still spotting. Mostly brown (for now). Trying to hold on to hope while avoiding pee-sticks, although I've already moved on mentally to what I'm going to do after my negative beta, which I'm convinced will happen. Another round of IVF is for certain, but when? Working out and dropping about 20 pounds is definite. Drinking a few good beers is another one. Hoping this doesn't come to fruition, but need to be realistic while still hanging on.

Another question for you ladies. How important is timing on the PIO shots? The Barron and I try to do them at about 8:30 PM nightly. This Friday, (if I even get to Friday sans-period) we have tickets to the Met game and I'd really like to go, but administering an injection in a ballpark will be difficult, and I'm sure security will confiscate my syringe anyway. Would doing my injection in the early evening make that much of a difference? I'll be asking the nurses as well, but looking for some feedback.

Thanks for all the well wishes and good thoughts. It's much appreciated, believe me.

Couldn't let this go without posting

These people can reproduce and I can't? Where is the justice in this world? That poor child.

Prove me wrong

A few weeks ago, in this post Tara commented

Isn't it funny how we *know* when our body isn't doing something it's supposed to. Even though we can't actually SEE what's going on in there.

That has been my story for the past two years. Ever since I came off the pill, something has been up. I have gotten every period in approximately 26 days or so, with at least 3 or four days of spotting ahead of time. Usually the spotting starts out as a light brown and progressively gets darker.

It's getting darker.

Now, I know this could be part of the IVF process, and everyone is telling me to have hope, but I know my body, and I haven't been wrong yet.

Please God, prove me wrong. I want to be wrong so badly.

Well that was pointless

Brown spotting this morning - this always happens a few days before my period. It's like clockwork. I feel like a fool. Of course this wasn't going to work for me. Silly girl.

Step away from the pee sticks, ma'am. 6dp3dt

Ok, before retrieval, I promised myself that I would avoid POAS-ing. I didn't want to get all excited over a false positive, or be all depressed over an early negative (which I know I will, even though I like to say I won't.)

However, that was before I was aware of the pure HELL of the 2WW. Man alive, does this suck. I don't know if I can live like this for another seven days. That's right, beta is 4/14 - an entire week away. I'd love to remain blissfully ignorant for another week, blowing kisses to the embryo photo on my fridge, rubbing my belly for extra encouragement, and checking the toilet paper for any spotting; but at the same time, I can't take this wait.

Is it to soon? Should I wait a few days? Should I wait till beta? I need some talking down from the ledge!

*yes, another South Park pic - can you tell I'm a fan?

This post brought to you by the letters "P" & "O"

I can't poop. There, I've said it. Ever since the darn PIO shots started, it's progressively become more difficult. The retrieval and transfer have me bloated enough, and now I have all of this additional bloat. Surely, I can't be the only one, can I?

Apple juice, senokot, broccoli, spicy foods; you name it, I've tried it. Anyone have any suggestions out there, or do I just ride this out? Ugh.

Everything else seems to be going fine. Still feeling crampy on and off, but managing to get things done. The stress of the 2WW has been replaced by stress about my job. I found out on Thursday that I'm losing yet another client, and there may be one more that follows. This puts me back to a very minimal salary. Just for comparison, I was raking in the dough back in the fall with 8 clients - I am now down to 3. Scary and stressful. Trying to stay calm for the embryos, but I'm at my wits end with this job. Ugh. Figures when I finally get into the IVF thing, work goes to shit.

Crampy

Crampy today. Is this good or is it my period? The way this week has been going, I'm thinking it's my period, but hoping it's not. 10 more days till beta - please no blood before then! Ignorance is bliss.

The waiting is the hardest part

I thought this phase would be the easiest. Less needles, no visits to the office, no sonos, no blood draws. Well, I was flat out WRONG. This sucks.

Here's a little background. I am an online marketing professional and am lucky enough to work from home. This has been extremely beneficial during this period, as I have been able to have a flexible schedule and continue working while having my feet up (I'm on my couch as we "speak"). However, not having the normal day to day co-worker interactions, meetings and general goings on of the work day leaves me alone with my thoughts, which is never a good thing.

I'm pretty much afraid to do anything at this point. Afraid to laugh, afraid to go to the bathroom, afraid to make any sudden movements. I don't want to give these guys anywhere to go but my uterus. I'm also obsessing over the fact that they were only 5 & 6 celled embryos. I was cool with it on Monday, but the longer I think about it, the more it bugs. I don't really feel much going on and I'm afraid it's a bust from the beginning. Argh! Stupid IF.