We wish you the Merriest...

Ok, so I lied.






Happy Holidays to you and yours - may 2010 bring you all the best of everything!

(card from Shutterfly)

In dreams...

So, I had a dream two nights ago that we were doing IVF again. I woke up the next morning and realized...

I'm ready.

Financially, we'll be waiting until the New Year (hopefully a decent tax return will help). But, I think we need to get the ball rolling soon, as my clock is legitimately ticking...loudly. And, I'm pretty sure that I'm finally OK with it.

Wow...just wow

You know, this was always in the back of my head when going through IVF, but I've never heard of it really happening!

Mother Given Wrong Embryo in IVF Mix-Up

Good on them for giving the baby to the genetic parents, but God...how do you even deal with it? To get that news, and then find out that it's not your actual baby? Gah.

Those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer

It's hot.

Really hot.

Stifling.

I don't think that I have ever sweat as much as I have in this past week. TMI? I don't care. I think the fact that we have been relatively spoiled here in NY this summer with moderate temperatures, led us to get kicked in the ass this week when the heat wave hit. Poor little G doesn't know what to do with himself. He's also in the middle of teething (again), which isn't helping. This has led to a number of sleepless nights for us, but I think we're almost over that hump.

So, the trip? Went extremely well. I handled it a lot better than I thought. It was a little tough to say goodbye, but by the time I was on the plane, I was fine. I called home each night to check in only to hear how much of a good boy he was being.

We had a great time - I definitely recommend getting away for a few days if you haven't yet and have a baby at home. Recharges the relationship and makes you feel like yourself, instead of "mommy" again. Needless to say, we're already looking forward to our next venture.

Last weekend, we took our annual family trip to an Irish Festival in upstate NY, and brought G. It was a 4 day, 3 night excursion, and you would think we were leaving for a year with the amount of stuff I brought for G. The Barron and I had one bag and a cooler. The rest was for baby. If we ever have another kid, we'll have to get yet a bigger car. Heh.

Work is becoming progressively more difficult to get done on days when I don't have help. Grandparents are here watching G on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which is when I have my conference calls. I work the rest of the week when I can (naps, playtime, morning, night), but G is becoming more needy for my attention and I'm not getting done what I need to. Essentially, I'm supposed to be working full-time from home, but I haven't been for a while, and I'm waiting for it to catch up to me.

Because of this, we have made the decision to put G in daycare 2 days a week (Mon & Wed). Two of our closest friends have their children in the same daycare. It is one woman who runs it out of her home, and they speak very highly of her. She lives about 2 minutes from my house, and only has 4 children max on a daily basis. She works "teacher hours", so I would have G back home by 3PM. This has been a hard decision for me, as I thought I'd be able to handle the working from home and being a mom, but it's just not working the way I would like it to. I think he'll do great there, and he'll get to socialize with other kids, which isn't happening much currently. We still need to meet with her, but I'm thinking he'll be set by mid-end of Sept and I'll be able to get more done. I plan on taking Fridays off completely and just spending it with G full-time.

So, that's about it from me. I know I haven't been posting much, but I am still reading up on all of your adventures...hope you are all enjoying your summers!

Leavin' on a jet plane...

So, the Barron and I are going on a short vacation this weekend. We're heading down to New Orleans on Friday - Monday and leaving G home with his Grandparents. I'm so excited I could burst, but I also know that I will probably spend the entire flight down in tears. I'm gonna miss my boy.

I think we are definitely doing this at the right time. If we don't go now, we'll never go. I have friends who are going on their first solo trip since their son was born (he's 3 and a half). Barron and I used to take trips all the time and it's been rough on us not being able to just get away and focus on us. It should be a nice break.

Gavin loves his GP's and sees each set of them once a week, so I don't think it'll be an issue for him. I'm not nervous about their care either, as they are very familiar with how to take care of him. It's not making it any easier to leave though. I'm giving him tons of extra kisses and hugs this week to make up for it!

As for my not so little guy, who is 7 MONTHS old today, he's doing great. As of our last doctor visit, he is 19 lbs, 13 oz, and 29 inches long. He's rolling all over the place and is very vocal! I'm also pretty sure he's close to crawling, which is scaring the crap out of me. Gotta start babyproofing.

I'm doing well, although I'm starting to realize that working from home and raising a child is harder than I thought it would be. I do have help two days a week from grandparents, but on the other three days, I work when I can. This has become a bit of a problem, because I am not the worker I once was, but I also feel the need to be with my son. Things may have to change down the line, but I'm not sure how. I may need to put G in daycare for a few days in order to get my work done. Just a thought. I'd hate to do it, but it may be what we all need.

Then there's the issue of baby #2. As I noted once before, my OB/GYN suggested not waiting more than a year to try again, as I responded poorly to my first cycle (even though it worked). The Barron recently started a new job which allows us three IVF cycles, but I'm not sure I'm ready to go down that road yet. I always wanted a nice gap between children, but I know it's not a possibility for me. Plus, I'm in no rush to go through all that again. We're going to discuss at the end of the summer to see what our next steps are. We'll see.

Somewhat of a Dilemma

This is more of a parenting entry...

Lately, I feel as though I'm not doing enough for G's development. I play with him, dance with him, read to him, do tummy time, etc...but sometimes I feel as though I've been at it for hours when it's only been 30 minutes or so, and then I run out of things to keep him occupied. I also will let him play on his own for some time, so I can get some stuff done around the house, etc. I'm trying not to put him in front of the TV too often, but I still feel as if I'm not doing enough. Does anyone else feel that way?

Also, I don't have him on a nap schedule yet. I've been very lucky, as G is a great sleeper. He's been sleeping through the night since he was about 4 weeks old, and naps throughout the day, but at no regular time. If he's fussy, I lie down with him on the couch or put him in his swing and he's asleep in minutes. Or, if we're on a walk, which he loves, he eventually falls asleep as well. However, I'm not sure if this is developing unhealthy sleeping habits, as he's not in his crib. Thoughts?

Gah...parenting is wonderful, but tough. So much questioning of myself. I'm interested to see feedback, if anyone has any to offer.

You've got mail

I got my first Mother's Day card today. A Mother's Day card? For me? Seriously?

It was sent by my oldest friend and his wife. I'm so truly touched by their kindness in sending. I'm also floored when I think about how lucky I am, and how two years ago on Mother's Day, I had gotten my period after thinking that things had finally worked and was devastated.

Funny how things work sometimes.

Religion, Faith and IVF

Ugh, I'm coming in a little late on NIAW, and I had every intention on having this post finished in time. So, a day late and a dollar short, here it is:

In honor of National Infertility Awarness Week, I bring to you a post about religion and faith and infertility.

A few weeks ago, my mother brought to my attention an opinion piece in our local Catholic publication regarding IVF. Normally a hard-line Catholic, my mom was infuriated by what this priest had written. Now, I know that in its basic teachings, the Church is opposed to IVF. This was something I struggled with when starting on my journey to Gavin, but eventually put those concerns aside, as I believe that my God would not deny me the ability to have my own child when I was so ready and willing to have one. I would just have to go about it in a different way than most people.

After a while, I logged on and read the piece and was seething with anger by the time I finished. It is a complete and utter condemmnation of those who choose this route.

Now, my faith is extremely important to me, but going through this entire infertility/IVF process has really made me re-examine my faith and the teachings of my Church. I went to Catholic school from Kindergarten through 12th Grade and also attended a Catholic affiliated college. I have found solace in Religon many times over throughout my lifetime. I have travelled to see the Pope twice, participated in Youth Ministry, and was a cantor and Eucharistic Minister throughout my teenage years. I married a non-Catholic, but continued to attend Church on my own. When I received my infertility diagnoisis, I turned to God and said prayer upon prayer to help us through the process.

Although my child was "created" by science, I believe that science was directed by our love and ultimately by God. If my boy was not meant to be, then he would not be.

Now, I do understand where this priest is coming from in terms of adoption. There are indeed many children out there looking for a loving home. This is something that the Barron and I seriously considered, and we still have not ruled it out for future children. However, the adoption process is almost more time consuming and difficult than IVF, and we were not willing to take that route without at least trying for our own biological child.

I do still go to Church occasionally, but my feeling when there has changed significantly. I no longer feel the comfort and solace that I once felt while sitting in the pew. I almost see Church now as a doorway to direct communication with God. A God that I feel, could never look at my son as anything less than a miracle. And this is what keeps my faith alive, while my religion has somewhat lapsed.

Thinking of miracles

Sometimes when I'm lying on the couch with Gavin on my chest and he is just looking up at my face, I can't help but think that I had no business having this child, yet here he is. And then, I always feel like crying. I just love this little boy so much.

I haven't posted all that much recently...G's been keeping me busy, and work is nuts. I just can't seem to string enough coherent thoughts together to make an interesting post. Although, I do have a few drafts started, which I do intend on posting soon.

Right now though, all I can seem to think is, "Good Lord, where is the time going?"

...and, when and if I want to give it another go.

What a difference a year makes

Monday, March 31 2008

Tuesday, March 31 2009


Thank you, God.
(and Science too!)

Slainte

Last year, I wrote this, and then this. It was not a happy St. Patrick's Day. Now, I have this:

May the luck of the Irish be with you!

90%

My son is a big boy.

We just got back from the doctors, where Gavin got 3 more immunizations (and Mommy shed a few tears over the needles). Other than that, I found out that my son is a giant. He's 14.5 lbs and 24.75 inches. Basically, he's almost half my height! Sad.

All of this puts him in the 90th percentile.

He handled his needles like a champ and is still sleeping in his car seat in the living room. I'll let him rest - he had a rough day.

Other than that, things are going well. Gavin is now 10 weeks old - he smiles, coos like crazy and is almost at the point where he can roll over. I am having a dilemma though. Should I be putting him on his belly more? I keep reading that he should be able to push himself up on his arms by now, and he can't. Actually, he'd rather just lie there and suck on his fists...heh.

He's got amazing head control and neck strength otherwise, but doesn't really push up when I put him on his belly. Any thoughts?

He went to his first St. Patrick's Day parade this weekend and was the hit of the party! I thought he might freak out with all of the people, but he was just great. I've also discovered that he's quite a flirt with the ladies.

Well, he's waking up now, and it's bottle time, so I must be going.

Just when I thought I was out...

Had my 6 week follow up today and of course, the question about birth control came up. My doctor is a big proponent of the pill, but didn't even try to push it on me. Basically, it's pointless, because the likelihood of me getting pregnant sans-science is slim to none. And what's more? If I want to try again, I should do it within the year.

For real? I'm just getting adjusted to my little guy, and I have to think about getting pregnant again within the year? I definitely want to give Gavin a sibling, but was hoping to at least have 2 years between kids. Ideally, it would be more than that, but I knew that was unlikely with my situation. So, now IVF in the next 6-12 months is a real possibility. I don't know if I'm ready for that again. This sucks.

The Barron and I need to have a serious discussion tonight. Just when I thought I was over the fertility issue, I get pulled back in. IF still sucks, even though I have my little G man.

Groove is in the heart...

So, I think, THINK we are finally getting into some sort of groove. I have now been able to shower 3 days in a row and am able to get more things done than before while still tending to Gavin's needs.

Speaking of, the little G-man is now 5 weeks old. I have no idea where the past month went. My days are broken into intervals of feeding, diapering and cuddling (this used to be crying, but has gotten significantly better). I am so lucky to be his mom - he is the best thing I have ever done and is so cute that I could just eat him up.

Here are some quick bullets so I can get this post completed before he wakes up from his nap.

• Sleeping - Was an issue at the start and is finally getting better. Waking up in the middle of the night for feedings is not the problem, but getting him to go down to sleep initially is the rough part. He's a fidgety kid - kicks his legs and flails his arms about, which prevents him from relaxing. I bought him a sleep positioner this week which seems to have helped.
• Feeding - I started out breastfeeding, but have since switched over to bottle. I do not regret this as my son is thriving and I am much happier.
• Development - He is starting to smile, which is just the most amazing thing. Other than that, I hope I'm providing enough stimulation for him. How much should I be doing with a 5-week old? Any advice? I play music, let him study my face, talk to him, tummy time (but probably not enough)...Just hope I'm doing enough.
• Work - I've actually started working again. As a contractor, I don't really get a maternity leave, and I need to get a paycheck. I have help 2 days a week (parents and inlaws), and this allows me to get in my conference calls and get some work done. I'm still way behind and probably will be for some time, but at least I get to work from home.

I'm glad to see that all of you are doing well - even though I haven't been posting, I have been checking in on all of you. Hopefully, now that we're down to this "groove", I'll be posting more.

Free time? What's that?

Clearly, I have been neglecting my blog. An update is forthcoming, I promise. Gavin is a demanding little boy, and all of my "free" time is spent getting stuff done around the house and sleeping. Writing thank you notes now, and then will string together a post.

Birth Story

12/29/08

Since I had a scheduled C-Section, this story won't be as eventful as others, but I'll do my best to keep it interesting.

So, we made it to the 29th with no progress. Baby was not descending into my pelvis and was nice and happy where he was. I probably could have been pregnant for another month or so if it wasn't considered unhealthy - this kid had no desire to leave.

I slept the night before delivery. I still can't believe that I did that, considering that I was scared shitless.

Woke up Monday morning, put up my maternity leave away message for work, straightened up the house, got dressed and got ready to go.

This is the last known picture of pregnant Sully.

All along, I had been hoping that the day I delivered would be relatively quiet in the L&D ward, in order to stay calm and relaxed and get as much attention from the staff as possible. December 29th couldn't have been further from that ideal. Being the first Monday following a holiday week, it appeared that every scheduled c-section was set for that day (My OB had already done 5 before me and I think had another 7 to go after me).

All of the L&D rooms were full, so I was moved into recovery and set up for surgery there. Let me tell you, watching women being rolled into recovery post - procedure is not a good way to get "relaxed" for your own surgery. I nearly passed out when the nurse put in my IV (I do not do well with IV's ), but after that, things went relatively smooth.

I was wheeled into surgery about a half hour later than scheduled. The epidural was administered (which was actually easier than the IV - for me, anyway), and the "sheet" was raised. The Barron was brought in and sat at my right shoulder, and the anesthesiologist was at my left (He was awesome. Warned me I might throw up, which I did - all over myself, and then cleaned me up, since I was numb). He kept a running commentary of the process for us.

Then it began. There was a lot of "what a big baby!", "what a big Irish head", etc...and, of course a lot of tugging. It seemed that he was giving them a run for their money. 2 seconds later he was out. I never had to wait to hear my son's cry as he was crying on the way out. We were told it was a boy, and I changed his name (originally supposed to be Colin) on the spot.

The Barron got to hold him and I got to touch him as they were closing me up. Then, the anesthesiologist placed him on my chest and they wheeled me out to recovery. On the way, my OB grabbed my Mom (who is also her patient) and Dad and the Barron's folks and they got to see him quickly before we were put into recovery.

Of course, he was taken to the nursery, while I was left to recover from surgery. Those were the longest 4 hours of my life - I just wanted to see my boy again. Family and friends came in to see me and told me how cute he was - as they could see him through the nursery window. At about 7:30 PM, I was put in my room and he was brought to me to start our new life together.

It may not have been the delivery I had envisioned. There was never a contraction, we never had to race on the Expressway to get to the hospital on time, my water never broke, and I never pushed, but it was the perfect experience. My son is healthy and perfect (am I using "perfect" too much?) and I couldn't ask for anything more.

"How we're doing" will come in another post. Things are finally starting to settle down somewhat.

Update coming

As soon as I can string together more than 5 minutes of computer time. But, here's something to tide you over for now...

He peed all over this about an hour later - ah, gotta love boys! :)