That Bitch

When I was going through my first round of IVF (which eventually resulted in my little G man), I remember sitting in the RE's office and giving the side eye to anyone who dared come in with a child in tow. "That bitch has some nerve coming in here with a kid when we're struggling to have even one!"

On Monday? I was That Bitch. I have found that IVF is exponentially more difficult (schedule-wise) the second time around. I'm not sure if all of your experiences are the same, but my RE schedules my appointments at some crazy times, like between 7-9 AM. The RE's office is about an hour away from my house as well, so you do the math. I feel bad asking anyone to look after G that early in the morning, and we are also trying to keep this round on the DL for as long as possible. All of these factors are making this quite complicated.

The Barron and I have decided to let our parents in on the plans in the next few weeks so that on procedure days we can drop G off at one house or another for the time we're in the RE's office. At this rate, it looks like my transfer (if there are embryos to transfer) will be around July 4th. Independence Day, indeed!

All that being said, I have to admit, it was very surreal being in that same office once again with the product of my first round in tow. He charmed everyone there - the doctors, nurses, and even some of the patients (even though I did my best to keep him quiet and subdued in the waiting room). One of the nurses asked me "is he one of ours?"...yes, yes he is.

So, I'm back on the pill for the next 3 weeks, and then back to the good ol' stims. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's kinda hard not to.

Stay tuned.

This is happening

My protocol starts tomorrow. Round 2, here we go! Stay tuned...

This can't be good

Price of Preventing Premature Births Skyrockets

(otherwise known as Progesterone is gonna cost a shitload).

Ugh.

Conflicting Emotions

I realize that it's been a ton of time since I've blogged, and it's been for various reasons:

1. I'm crazy busy - in November I picked up more work and have pretty much been slammed ever since. Not that I'm complaining though...I'm so happy to be working again and bringing in some more money. Things were getting a bit scary there for a while. Oh, and then there was the Holidays, G's 2nd birthday, and then ALL THE SNOW. Gah.

2. I have a two year old - Let me just say that while I loved having a baby to hold and cuddle, this phase is totally my favorite. G is so much fun. He is talking all the time, discovering new things every day, and developing quite a little personality. He's a little cuddlebug but can also be headstrong and stubborn...they're not joking when they talk about the "terrible" two's.

3. I really haven't known what to write - My last post was just before I had my FSH levels taken in preparation for round 2. Surprisingly enough, my levels were better than the first time around. Previously, I was at an 11, this time I was at a 7. I know in the grand scheme of things, this doesn't make a difference, but it felt good to have something actually go right with this process. The Barron and I agreed that we would wait a month and then get the process underway.

Then, G got sick
Then, I got sick
Then, the Barron got sick
(none of this was serious, but pretty nasty sinus infections all around)
Then, the holidays hit, and I was hosting
Then, G's second birthday hit
Then, it snowed like a bitch

So....we decided to wait. I know I'm playing with fire, as my chances get smaller and smaller the longer I wait, but we just don't feel ready. We're having a blast with G and he's taking up a lot of our attention. I know if a baby comes along it's going to require a ton of my time and attention and I'm not sure if I'm ready to take that away from G yet. Also, the Barron and I are just tired. We decided to book a trip to the Bahamas in May. THEN, we'll get round 2 underway. We are not going to go later than June. That's the cutoff.

This is where the conflicting emotions come in. I do feel like I'm at peace with our choice, but as soon as we made our decision, about 3 of my friends got pregnant with number 2. All of the emotions from the first time have come crashing back, and it sucks. At the same time, I'm looking forward to going on our trip and don't really want to be pregnant before then. Now, I even feel guilty for writing that as if I'm jinxing myself. My period was late this month for the first time in a while and I thought I might be pregnant and didn't want to be at that point....then I immediately felt guilty for feeling that way since I should take whatever I can get...right? Isn't that the way it's supposed to be for the infertile?

Gah. It just makes me so angry.

Sorry for all of the rambling, but it feels good to get it out this way. I will definitely be posting more, as this has been quite therapeutic.

Update

My apologies for the delay. Things have been relatively quiet since my visit to the clinic (which, I will still write about - lots of thoughts and emotions in that waiting room). Basically, we're waiting for AF to arrive so that I can get an FSH level test to see where I'm at. I'm hoping I'm still in that 11 range, as it means we can try again. However, if we see a big increase, my RE has already warned me that he would probably recommend not putting my body through it as the likelihood of IVF working at that point are nil.

Spotting started yesterday, so I have a feeling a blood draw is imminent.

Clarification

I realize my post yesterday was short and didn't really elaborate on why we're going forward with IVF #2 now. I'm actually trying to keep this round a secret from family and friends (too many questions and too much input from too many people last time), so I plan on laying everything out here on my blog.

Now is actually a pretty bad time to be doing this. Money is tight, G is showing signs of the approaching the terrible twos, and our house is in no way ready for a second child.

However, I was warned upon my first pregnancy not to wait too long before trying again, as my window for child bearing is pretty small. Over the past few months, my periods have been becoming more and more irregular, leading me to believe that the window is almost closed. Along with that, the news from a best friend this week that she is pregnant (no jealousy here - totally happy for her), lit the fire that I needed to move this process along. Barron is totally supportive, but both of us are petrified. Excited, but petrified.

Here's why:

• Money, again.
• The possibility of multiples
• The unpredictability of my job.
• How G will deal with a baby in the house.
• How will I love another child as much as I love G?
• What if it doesn't work? (This is a very real possibility given my history).

I do find myself wanting to be pregnant again though and haven't felt this way in a long time.

So, it's off to the RE on Monday...most likely a date with my old suitor, the dildocam, bloodwork and all that jazz.

I have a feeling this time is going to be tougher than last. We shall see.

Thanks for the well wishes!

On the road again...

Me: "Hello, I am a patient of Dr. X, and I had IVF in 2008. My son is now 21 months old and we're looking to give it another go."

Nurse: Ok, come in for a follow up on Monday at 10:30 AM.

And with that, the torture/adventure begins again.

More to come...