Update

My apologies for the delay. Things have been relatively quiet since my visit to the clinic (which, I will still write about - lots of thoughts and emotions in that waiting room). Basically, we're waiting for AF to arrive so that I can get an FSH level test to see where I'm at. I'm hoping I'm still in that 11 range, as it means we can try again. However, if we see a big increase, my RE has already warned me that he would probably recommend not putting my body through it as the likelihood of IVF working at that point are nil.

Spotting started yesterday, so I have a feeling a blood draw is imminent.

Clarification

I realize my post yesterday was short and didn't really elaborate on why we're going forward with IVF #2 now. I'm actually trying to keep this round a secret from family and friends (too many questions and too much input from too many people last time), so I plan on laying everything out here on my blog.

Now is actually a pretty bad time to be doing this. Money is tight, G is showing signs of the approaching the terrible twos, and our house is in no way ready for a second child.

However, I was warned upon my first pregnancy not to wait too long before trying again, as my window for child bearing is pretty small. Over the past few months, my periods have been becoming more and more irregular, leading me to believe that the window is almost closed. Along with that, the news from a best friend this week that she is pregnant (no jealousy here - totally happy for her), lit the fire that I needed to move this process along. Barron is totally supportive, but both of us are petrified. Excited, but petrified.

Here's why:

• Money, again.
• The possibility of multiples
• The unpredictability of my job.
• How G will deal with a baby in the house.
• How will I love another child as much as I love G?
• What if it doesn't work? (This is a very real possibility given my history).

I do find myself wanting to be pregnant again though and haven't felt this way in a long time.

So, it's off to the RE on Monday...most likely a date with my old suitor, the dildocam, bloodwork and all that jazz.

I have a feeling this time is going to be tougher than last. We shall see.

Thanks for the well wishes!

On the road again...

Me: "Hello, I am a patient of Dr. X, and I had IVF in 2008. My son is now 21 months old and we're looking to give it another go."

Nurse: Ok, come in for a follow up on Monday at 10:30 AM.

And with that, the torture/adventure begins again.

More to come...

See you at tha crossroads...

I've been sitting on this post for some time now...it isn't necessarily IF or G related for that matter, but both do come into play.

I'm finding myself at a crossroads. As you know, I lost my job a few months ago. It wasn't something that I loved doing per se, but it did give me the ability to work from home and make a decent income. I was also good at it. My boss was an incompetent fool who believed in crystals and thought of herself as a "Goddess" and told me that by firing me, she was freeing me up to "find my calling". What a crock of shit.

Anywho, fast forward to a few months later. I have been able to pick up some additional work. Still working from home, but making a fraction of what I was before. I know I'm lucky compared to a LOT of other people out there right now, but it still smarts. The Barron is also gainfully employed (for now), so we are able to stay above water.

The main problem, however? I'm working for a friend.

Long story short, this friend is a previous co-worker. She had hooked me up with an interview for a full - time position at her company (with benefits!) which was all but locked down. I was supposed to be hired in May. The contract fell through, and here I sit. In the interim, I had turned down two decent offers to hold out for the first.

My friend is also an entrepreneur and she has thrown me some work from her side company to keep me going. I know I should be appreciative, and I am, but I can't help but thinking that I've made a major mistake. However, I'm not sure what the major mistake was.

• Was is taking a job from this friend?
• Was it turning down the other opportunities?
• Was it moving to the contractor side of things 5 years ago?
• Was it moving to this industry 7 years ago?
• Was it taking any paying job I could get straight out of college, sending me on this path to begin with?
• Was it majoring in (gasp!) Communications in college?

I'm thinking it's the last option. Upon graduation, I had delusions of moving out to California and getting a job in film production. Three months later, I was working in publishing as it was the only job I could find in NY that would give me benefits and was somewhat in my field. After that, I bounced from publishing job to publishing job, never really loving what I was doing, but collecting a paycheck just the same.

After that, I moved into the online world, where opportunity was endless (or so I thought). And now, here I am. I don't think I want to do this anymore, but I also don't know what I want to do otherwise. I want to have another child, and being the lucky IF'er that I am, I will need to get a paycheck in order to do so.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. It feels good to get it out though, which I all I really wanted to do right now.

Growing Pains

G's been walking for about a month now, and with the walking has come a sense of fearlessness that has instilled fear in my very being. He was climbing on the couch today and took a tumble, smacking his face on the coffee table. Of course, this was the one moment that I was putting on my shoes and I happened to not be within close enough distance to catch him.

He's fine, probably going to have a nice black and blue mark on his face, but it shook me up something awful. I haven't been able to get back into the swing of things all day. I know falls are part of growing up, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Also a part of growing up? Disobedience. See the aforementioned climbing on the couch. This kid loves to climb, and nothing I nor my hubby does can stop him. I've done the whole "get down to his level, and say no in a firm voice" thing, but he just laughs. I've also removed him from the couch and distracted him with other things, but this only lasts for a short while. I'm really struggling with how to discipline my child at this phase. I'm thinking today's fall may curb the climbing on the couch though.

And, I'm trying for a second kid? Really? Glutton for punishment. Going the mother nature route at least until the fall. I'm sure I'll be going back to the clinic by then, but figured we'd give it the ol' college try, just in case there's a good egg in there somewhere.

As for me, the employment situation is improving. I'm doing some work for a friend right now, but the money's not nearly as good. I was holding out for a full time position with a friend's company and passed up a lot of opportunities for it. Of course, it fell through. Note to self: don't count on friends for jobs in the future. It sucks how complicated finding a job becomes once you have a kid. "Having it all" has become a myth, but I'm ok with it.

Unemployed

Well, I'm out of a job. Faaaabulous. Gotta figure this out.