Monday, July 18, 2011
It's official
Beta this morning. Not pregnant. Taking some time to process and will be back with rants and such. Thanks for all the support!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
2 out of 2 HPT's agree....
That I'm not pregnant.
I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. I think it's because I've been setting myself up for this all week. It does come in waves, however. Mostly waves of anger and jealousy of those who this is easy for. I'm also frequently saying the three words that I can't stand, but it seems to apply in this case:
It's not fair.
Mostly, I just feel kind of numb about the whole thing. I have no idea where to go from here. We are more than blessed and lucky to have G and maybe that's just the way it's supposed to be for us.
I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. I think it's because I've been setting myself up for this all week. It does come in waves, however. Mostly waves of anger and jealousy of those who this is easy for. I'm also frequently saying the three words that I can't stand, but it seems to apply in this case:
It's not fair.
Mostly, I just feel kind of numb about the whole thing. I have no idea where to go from here. We are more than blessed and lucky to have G and maybe that's just the way it's supposed to be for us.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Slacker
Been a while. Still in the 2ww. I started spotting on Monday (same as last time), but it has progressively gotten darker, and more red. Leading me to believe that this was a bust. I haven't had a good feeling about it since the beginning, so methinks I may have been right all along.
This sucks. I'm actually more angry than sad at this point. I can't help but think that if I had a handle on my fertility (or lack thereof) earlier in my life, than maybe this could have been avoided. Maybe it could be avoided for a lot of women. Don't you think it would be in our best interests to do some sort of check on the female reproductive system during a GYN visit? Give the woman the knowledge of whether or not she'll be able to conceive. Give her the option of freezing her eggs, if she's not ready to reproduce at that time. If I had known then what I know now, I would have done this. Then I would have some healthy eggs to work with.
If I end up with a negative test, I really don't know what our next steps are. Not sure if it's worth doing this again, especially if my eggs are getting worse. Not sure how I feel about egg donor or adoption at this point. Maybe we'll just stick with what we've got. G is the bestest little boy around, so I am very thankful for that. Just wish I could give him a little brother or sister.
Bummed.
Sorry for rambling
This sucks. I'm actually more angry than sad at this point. I can't help but think that if I had a handle on my fertility (or lack thereof) earlier in my life, than maybe this could have been avoided. Maybe it could be avoided for a lot of women. Don't you think it would be in our best interests to do some sort of check on the female reproductive system during a GYN visit? Give the woman the knowledge of whether or not she'll be able to conceive. Give her the option of freezing her eggs, if she's not ready to reproduce at that time. If I had known then what I know now, I would have done this. Then I would have some healthy eggs to work with.
If I end up with a negative test, I really don't know what our next steps are. Not sure if it's worth doing this again, especially if my eggs are getting worse. Not sure how I feel about egg donor or adoption at this point. Maybe we'll just stick with what we've got. G is the bestest little boy around, so I am very thankful for that. Just wish I could give him a little brother or sister.
Bummed.
Sorry for rambling
Monday, July 4, 2011
Still in a bit of shock
Phone rings at 9:10 this morning.
"Hello Sully, we now have 4 cells. Can you still come in at 10:15 for transfer?"
So, here I am, hours later with a 4 celled embryo on board. Yes, it's probably highly unlikely that it'll take, but at least I got to transfer. Now we wait. Maybe this one is a fighter!
Oh, and bed rest? Close to impossible with a 2.5 year old toddler running around!
Thanks for all the good thoughts - it means a lot to me. Seriously.
"Hello Sully, we now have 4 cells. Can you still come in at 10:15 for transfer?"
So, here I am, hours later with a 4 celled embryo on board. Yes, it's probably highly unlikely that it'll take, but at least I got to transfer. Now we wait. Maybe this one is a fighter!
Oh, and bed rest? Close to impossible with a 2.5 year old toddler running around!
Thanks for all the good thoughts - it means a lot to me. Seriously.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
And just as quickly as it began....
RE's office called this morning. Embryo didn't develop overnight. Only one cell as of this morning. Looks like we're not going to make it to transfer. I have so many questions for myself. Should I have done things differently? Should we have waited this long? Why? Why? Why?
My heart is broken.
My heart is broken.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Cross your fingers, toes, and whatever else you have
One.
That's it.
One embryo.
I want it in me now. The wait until Monday will kill me.
Transfer 11AM Monday.
Gonna be hard not to obsess now.
Oh, and I recently found out that my maternal grandmother went through menopause at 38. I'm 34. Think that might be my issue? Hmmm...
That's it.
One embryo.
I want it in me now. The wait until Monday will kill me.
Transfer 11AM Monday.
Gonna be hard not to obsess now.
Oh, and I recently found out that my maternal grandmother went through menopause at 38. I'm 34. Think that might be my issue? Hmmm...
Friday, July 1, 2011
All those meds....
And I got five eggs. Fourteen last time, although most were not mature enough to fertilize. Please, please, please let us at least have one good one in the mix. Seeing as there are five eggs, I will reference my adolesence and hope that the "5 bad brothers from the Beantown land" will help me out:
Joey, Donnie, Danny, Jordan and Jon - you owe me for all of the money I spent on the buttons and the pins and the wild fanfare back in the day!
Joey, Donnie, Danny, Jordan and Jon - you owe me for all of the money I spent on the buttons and the pins and the wild fanfare back in the day!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I am a lying liar who lies.
Long time, no type, huh? Jeesh, between IVF#2, toddler #1 and 2 jobs, I really haven't had much time to write....also, my IVF cycle has been so eerily similar to my last one that I really could just copy and paste my entries from 3 years ago....but, why would I do something like that? ;)
So, on to the title of this post. In my efforts to keep this round on the DL, I have been lying up the wazoo to people. Just today, I've lied twice and my two lies totally oppose eachother. I ran into my cousin while dropping G off at my parent's house on the way to the doctor. She asked why I was dropping him off. I told her I was going to a conference in the city for work (which is actually happening). I then had to call my boss to tell her that I was sick and couldn't make said conference. I'm just waiting for all of this to bite me square in the ass. Hopefully not, but we'll see.
As for the IVF...everything is moving along. I've been stimming for a week and a half now. Again, my dumb-ass ovaries have been slow on the uptake, but it looks like I have 4 decent follies. Last time, I named them for the Beatles. This time, I'm taking a page out of my good friend JJ's book and naming them for the great houses of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Who will win the House Cup? That remains to be seen. Stay tuned.
So, on to the title of this post. In my efforts to keep this round on the DL, I have been lying up the wazoo to people. Just today, I've lied twice and my two lies totally oppose eachother. I ran into my cousin while dropping G off at my parent's house on the way to the doctor. She asked why I was dropping him off. I told her I was going to a conference in the city for work (which is actually happening). I then had to call my boss to tell her that I was sick and couldn't make said conference. I'm just waiting for all of this to bite me square in the ass. Hopefully not, but we'll see.
As for the IVF...everything is moving along. I've been stimming for a week and a half now. Again, my dumb-ass ovaries have been slow on the uptake, but it looks like I have 4 decent follies. Last time, I named them for the Beatles. This time, I'm taking a page out of my good friend JJ's book and naming them for the great houses of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Who will win the House Cup? That remains to be seen. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Brain dump
-Currently going through IVF for #2 while #1 is running an unexplained fever - stress!
-Chances are retrieval and transfer will be the week that G starts his new summer daycare - stress!
-I've already gained about 4 pounds in the past few weeks (could also be from the 5 days I spent in the Bahamas drinking and stuffing my face, but whatevs...) - stress!
-House is a mess - stress!
-So much work to do - stress!
....ok, gonna go take a nap now.
-Chances are retrieval and transfer will be the week that G starts his new summer daycare - stress!
-I've already gained about 4 pounds in the past few weeks (could also be from the 5 days I spent in the Bahamas drinking and stuffing my face, but whatevs...) - stress!
-House is a mess - stress!
-So much work to do - stress!
....ok, gonna go take a nap now.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
That Bitch
When I was going through my first round of IVF (which eventually resulted in my little G man), I remember sitting in the RE's office and giving the side eye to anyone who dared come in with a child in tow. "That bitch has some nerve coming in here with a kid when we're struggling to have even one!"
On Monday? I was That Bitch. I have found that IVF is exponentially more difficult (schedule-wise) the second time around. I'm not sure if all of your experiences are the same, but my RE schedules my appointments at some crazy times, like between 7-9 AM. The RE's office is about an hour away from my house as well, so you do the math. I feel bad asking anyone to look after G that early in the morning, and we are also trying to keep this round on the DL for as long as possible. All of these factors are making this quite complicated.
The Barron and I have decided to let our parents in on the plans in the next few weeks so that on procedure days we can drop G off at one house or another for the time we're in the RE's office. At this rate, it looks like my transfer (if there are embryos to transfer) will be around July 4th. Independence Day, indeed!
All that being said, I have to admit, it was very surreal being in that same office once again with the product of my first round in tow. He charmed everyone there - the doctors, nurses, and even some of the patients (even though I did my best to keep him quiet and subdued in the waiting room). One of the nurses asked me "is he one of ours?"...yes, yes he is.
So, I'm back on the pill for the next 3 weeks, and then back to the good ol' stims. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's kinda hard not to.
Stay tuned.
On Monday? I was That Bitch. I have found that IVF is exponentially more difficult (schedule-wise) the second time around. I'm not sure if all of your experiences are the same, but my RE schedules my appointments at some crazy times, like between 7-9 AM. The RE's office is about an hour away from my house as well, so you do the math. I feel bad asking anyone to look after G that early in the morning, and we are also trying to keep this round on the DL for as long as possible. All of these factors are making this quite complicated.
The Barron and I have decided to let our parents in on the plans in the next few weeks so that on procedure days we can drop G off at one house or another for the time we're in the RE's office. At this rate, it looks like my transfer (if there are embryos to transfer) will be around July 4th. Independence Day, indeed!
All that being said, I have to admit, it was very surreal being in that same office once again with the product of my first round in tow. He charmed everyone there - the doctors, nurses, and even some of the patients (even though I did my best to keep him quiet and subdued in the waiting room). One of the nurses asked me "is he one of ours?"...yes, yes he is.
So, I'm back on the pill for the next 3 weeks, and then back to the good ol' stims. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's kinda hard not to.
Stay tuned.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
This can't be good
Price of Preventing Premature Births Skyrockets
(otherwise known as Progesterone is gonna cost a shitload).
Ugh.
(otherwise known as Progesterone is gonna cost a shitload).
Ugh.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Conflicting Emotions
I realize that it's been a ton of time since I've blogged, and it's been for various reasons:
1. I'm crazy busy - in November I picked up more work and have pretty much been slammed ever since. Not that I'm complaining though...I'm so happy to be working again and bringing in some more money. Things were getting a bit scary there for a while. Oh, and then there was the Holidays, G's 2nd birthday, and then ALL THE SNOW. Gah.
2. I have a two year old - Let me just say that while I loved having a baby to hold and cuddle, this phase is totally my favorite. G is so much fun. He is talking all the time, discovering new things every day, and developing quite a little personality. He's a little cuddlebug but can also be headstrong and stubborn...they're not joking when they talk about the "terrible" two's.
3. I really haven't known what to write - My last post was just before I had my FSH levels taken in preparation for round 2. Surprisingly enough, my levels were better than the first time around. Previously, I was at an 11, this time I was at a 7. I know in the grand scheme of things, this doesn't make a difference, but it felt good to have something actually go right with this process. The Barron and I agreed that we would wait a month and then get the process underway.
Then, G got sick
Then, I got sick
Then, the Barron got sick
(none of this was serious, but pretty nasty sinus infections all around)
Then, the holidays hit, and I was hosting
Then, G's second birthday hit
Then, it snowed like a bitch
So....we decided to wait. I know I'm playing with fire, as my chances get smaller and smaller the longer I wait, but we just don't feel ready. We're having a blast with G and he's taking up a lot of our attention. I know if a baby comes along it's going to require a ton of my time and attention and I'm not sure if I'm ready to take that away from G yet. Also, the Barron and I are just tired. We decided to book a trip to the Bahamas in May. THEN, we'll get round 2 underway. We are not going to go later than June. That's the cutoff.
This is where the conflicting emotions come in. I do feel like I'm at peace with our choice, but as soon as we made our decision, about 3 of my friends got pregnant with number 2. All of the emotions from the first time have come crashing back, and it sucks. At the same time, I'm looking forward to going on our trip and don't really want to be pregnant before then. Now, I even feel guilty for writing that as if I'm jinxing myself. My period was late this month for the first time in a while and I thought I might be pregnant and didn't want to be at that point....then I immediately felt guilty for feeling that way since I should take whatever I can get...right? Isn't that the way it's supposed to be for the infertile?
Gah. It just makes me so angry.
Sorry for all of the rambling, but it feels good to get it out this way. I will definitely be posting more, as this has been quite therapeutic.
1. I'm crazy busy - in November I picked up more work and have pretty much been slammed ever since. Not that I'm complaining though...I'm so happy to be working again and bringing in some more money. Things were getting a bit scary there for a while. Oh, and then there was the Holidays, G's 2nd birthday, and then ALL THE SNOW. Gah.
2. I have a two year old - Let me just say that while I loved having a baby to hold and cuddle, this phase is totally my favorite. G is so much fun. He is talking all the time, discovering new things every day, and developing quite a little personality. He's a little cuddlebug but can also be headstrong and stubborn...they're not joking when they talk about the "terrible" two's.
3. I really haven't known what to write - My last post was just before I had my FSH levels taken in preparation for round 2. Surprisingly enough, my levels were better than the first time around. Previously, I was at an 11, this time I was at a 7. I know in the grand scheme of things, this doesn't make a difference, but it felt good to have something actually go right with this process. The Barron and I agreed that we would wait a month and then get the process underway.
Then, G got sick
Then, I got sick
Then, the Barron got sick
(none of this was serious, but pretty nasty sinus infections all around)
Then, the holidays hit, and I was hosting
Then, G's second birthday hit
Then, it snowed like a bitch
So....we decided to wait. I know I'm playing with fire, as my chances get smaller and smaller the longer I wait, but we just don't feel ready. We're having a blast with G and he's taking up a lot of our attention. I know if a baby comes along it's going to require a ton of my time and attention and I'm not sure if I'm ready to take that away from G yet. Also, the Barron and I are just tired. We decided to book a trip to the Bahamas in May. THEN, we'll get round 2 underway. We are not going to go later than June. That's the cutoff.
This is where the conflicting emotions come in. I do feel like I'm at peace with our choice, but as soon as we made our decision, about 3 of my friends got pregnant with number 2. All of the emotions from the first time have come crashing back, and it sucks. At the same time, I'm looking forward to going on our trip and don't really want to be pregnant before then. Now, I even feel guilty for writing that as if I'm jinxing myself. My period was late this month for the first time in a while and I thought I might be pregnant and didn't want to be at that point....then I immediately felt guilty for feeling that way since I should take whatever I can get...right? Isn't that the way it's supposed to be for the infertile?
Gah. It just makes me so angry.
Sorry for all of the rambling, but it feels good to get it out this way. I will definitely be posting more, as this has been quite therapeutic.
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