10 Days....seriously?

Holy crap. My ticker says 10 days. Freaking out. Although, I still wouldn't mind if it were sooner. Had a checkup today, complete with internal. Cheesecake is sitting pretty up by my belly button, so not low enough to go anywhere yet (although to look at me, you'd think he/she were ready to pop right on out)...still only 1 cm and cervix is "soft". Blech. I was hoping for more progress.

I did however, gain 3 pounds. Yeesh. I went from gaining no weight last week to 3 pounds this week. Bringing me up to 21 lbs in total. Not too terrible, but I'm really starting to feel like a sea cow, and can't wait to start exercising again. Going to be taking lots of long walks with this kid once he/she gets here.

Well, if Cheesecake isn't going anywhere for a while, I guess I'll finish up my Christmas shopping and wrapping so I'm all set. Sigh.

Ungh!

This cold is kicking my ass. I have already used up about 3 full boxes of tissues, my nose is red and raw, and there's NOTHING I can take...oh, right 25 mg of Benadryl. That's it. Thanks. Ungh. Cheesecake, no need to come now...give mommy a few days to feel better first...thanks!

Ah - CHOO!

Well, I knew it was bound to happen. I made it this far without getting sick, and then 3 weeks until my due date...BAM! The common cold strikes. My throat is killing me, I can't stop sneezing and pretty much feel all together lousy. Ah, my kingdom for some NyQuil!

Oh well, guess I'll just have to tough it out. Hopefully Cheesecake doesn't show until after I've shaken it so I don't have to worry about passing it around.

In other news, I had a checkup this morning and am officially 1cm dilated. Now, I know that's pretty much nothing at this point, but still, it means the process is somewhat underway. Yay! So, now, I'm scrambling to get so much done ...Christmas cards, finish shopping, wrapping, etc....Oh, yeah...and get all of my work in order as well. Fun.

I still can't get over the fact that by this time next month (hopefully by then!) I'll be someone's mom. Eeek! This is so huge. I'm freaking out and excited at the same time.

Eviction Notice

Cheesecake,

Hi Darlin, it's your mama here. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am that you're almost here. I can't wait to hold you and see your little face, and finally know what you are - boy or girl. You are everything your daddy and I have wanted for so long, and the wait seems almost unbearable.

That being said, I'm done. I'm ready. Time for you to vacate the premises. I'm tired of the backaches, heartburn, and general discomfort. I'm sick of wearing the same 3 outfits over and over again. I hate feeling like I'm going to vomit after eating only a bite of my dinner. I miss my toes, being able to shave my legs and basically just groom myself. I miss turkey sandwiches, coffee and beer. I'm starting to feel selfish and am ready to have ownership of my body back.

Now, I know how lucky I am. I thank God every single day for you and for the fact that we were given this amazing gift. Please don't think of me as a horrible person. If you're a girl, you'll understand this one day as well.

So, if you don't mind doing your mama a favor, please arrive on time (or even a little early, if you see fit)...I promise Santa will be good to you this Christmas!!!

love you always and forever,
Mommy.

2190

Two thousand, one hundred and ninety days. No, it's not how long I've been pregnant (although I do sometimes feel that way). It's actually the duration that the Barron and I have been married as of this coming Saturday - 6 years in total.

We're both taking the day off on Friday to have an extended celebration. We'll go out to breakfast and just spend the day together doing non-baby things (for a change). We also plan on going out for a nice dinner on Saturday. We originally wanted to go away for the weekend, but I think it may be too risky, being only 5 weeks out from my due date, and feeling pretty damn uncomfortable, frankly.

We went to a wedding two weeks ago, and it really made me think. While sitting there in the Church, in my tent-sized bridesmaid dress, I realized that I am better off now then I was six years ago. I am a better person for marrying my husband. I couldn't have picked a better partner, and am so excited for this next phase of our lives together. If you're reading this, I love you hon!

As for baby-business, everything is status quo, except for the fact that I am getting increasingly uncomfortable. Baby is very active, which is great, but can get tiresome after a while - as it is now pushing on my bladder and stomach at pretty much all times. However, movement is good, so I'll take it. I have about 5 weeks left and am ready. I'm ready to have my body back to myself, and of course to meet this little one and finally find out who he/she is.

Overreact much?

Here's how I spent my Sunday afternoon:

I went to Walgreens to pick up some necessities, and when I got out of the car, my pants were all wet (my jeans leg). The crotch wasn't really wet, but the leg was wet in a spot where it would normally be wet if one had peed their pants. Now, it had rained the night before, and I was checking all over my car to see if maybe I had bumped something and gotten myself wet, but I couldn't determine that and started to freak.

We had our Childbirth Education class on Saturday, at which the nurse warned that any fluid leakage should be treated as an emergency. So, I went home and asked the Barron what he thought - he thought it was in a weird spot too and agreed w/ me that maybe we should call the
Doctor.

I call, Dr. says - "get to the hospital - if your water broke, you just bought yourself an admission until this baby is born".

So, now I'm hysterical..."I'm going to miss my nephews wedding (this weekend), "I'm going to miss Thanksgiving", "nothing is ready!", "how will I work?", and of course fear for the baby.

I get admitted to hospital, hooked up to monitors, etc. Then, I have a pelvic exam.

Nothing.

Sonogram.

Nothing. In fact, I have plenty of fluid, so much so that when my water actually does break it'll be a huge mess.

Baby is happy and moving around (and we saw it's cute little face!)

So, basically, I must have wiped up against something somehow and got my pants wet and spent two hours in the hospital for nothing.

However, the nurses said I was right to come in and check.

I still feel like an idiot though.

I can't wait to just have this kid out of my body (at it's correct time, though!).

365 Days

One year ago today, I started this blog. I was in a bad place and needed somewhere to put my frustrations down in writing. I never really expected anyone to read them, nor actually take the time to respond or commiserate.

A year later, I sit here; 30 weeks pregnant with this baby that has been so wanted for so long by so many, but most especially by myself and my husband. We have been through so much, but it has truly been an amazing journey. I don't think I would trade it, either. Although painful and not understood by so many people, infertility has made me a stronger person, and I honestly think I'll be a better parent for it. Call me naive, but I do. I have learned to appreciate so many things on this journey, and feel like I take less for granted than I ever have.

I am so grateful to all of you who read and comment here. I truly feel like I can call many of you my friends, without ever personally meeting you! I find myself talking to hubby at night about Sara's strength and ongoing struggle to keep Spot inside for as long as possible, JJ's struggles and joys over Ron (and her hubby's Pearl Jam obsession, which my husband shares), Tara's witty stories and similar experiences with family, and my respect for Kym for doing what she does. There's so many others as well, and I have to say that I don't think I could have gotten through most of this without you. Friends and family here know our situation, but no one can appreciate it as much as someone who has been there.

Also, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day. I am very fortunate to never have to experience this first hand, but to those who have, I remember you today, admire your strength, and pray that you find peace.

30 Weeks - Random Musings

October 4, 2007. I go in to the hospital to have my Lap & Hysteroscopy and am later diagnosed with diminished ovarian quality.

October 4, 2008. My baby shower.

I am getting bigger by the day and feel disgusting.

My body is voluptuous and I feel sexy.

I am afraid of change - good, bad, you name it. I don't handle it well.

I can't wait to meet this baby.

I wish I had more time.

I want it here tomorrow.

I am worried about how my marriage will change.

I can't wait to see how this changes our marriage.

I'm going to be a terrible mother.

I'm going to kick ass at this mothering stuff.

I am petrified.

I am elated.

Showers of happiness

Saturday was my baby shower! It was a complete and total surprise, especially since I'm still more than 2 months away from my due date. However, being that my due date is smack dab in the middle of the Holiday season, and we have a big wedding coming up in early November in my family, it turned out to be the perfect time.

I can't even begin to tell you how overwhelmed I am with the generosity of family and friends who were there. Everyone is so excited about our little cheesecake and can't wait to meet it. It really was a wonderful shower, and I was so happy to be able to spend some time with everyone in the middle of the chaos. We (well, the baby) got beautiful gifts, and let me tell you, this baby is going to be better dressed than either of it's parents!

Everything else is going well. Work is busy (as usual), and I'm trying to tie up as many loose ends as possible in the next month or so to prepare. Working in marketing at the beginning of a financially disastrous Q4 makes for a stressful time.

The baby is moving and grooving, but there are some days where it decides to be lazy and I tend to get all panicky. I know I'm probably just overreacting, but I would much rather this child be kicking me 24/7 than not.

I've been keeping up with everyone else's goings-on out there, and am happy to see that things are going well (or as well as can be) for all of you.

It's almost 10PM here and I should be finishing up some work (and paying more attention to the Presidental Debate), so I'm going to take my leave now. More soon.