See you at tha crossroads...

I've been sitting on this post for some time now...it isn't necessarily IF or G related for that matter, but both do come into play.

I'm finding myself at a crossroads. As you know, I lost my job a few months ago. It wasn't something that I loved doing per se, but it did give me the ability to work from home and make a decent income. I was also good at it. My boss was an incompetent fool who believed in crystals and thought of herself as a "Goddess" and told me that by firing me, she was freeing me up to "find my calling". What a crock of shit.

Anywho, fast forward to a few months later. I have been able to pick up some additional work. Still working from home, but making a fraction of what I was before. I know I'm lucky compared to a LOT of other people out there right now, but it still smarts. The Barron is also gainfully employed (for now), so we are able to stay above water.

The main problem, however? I'm working for a friend.

Long story short, this friend is a previous co-worker. She had hooked me up with an interview for a full - time position at her company (with benefits!) which was all but locked down. I was supposed to be hired in May. The contract fell through, and here I sit. In the interim, I had turned down two decent offers to hold out for the first.

My friend is also an entrepreneur and she has thrown me some work from her side company to keep me going. I know I should be appreciative, and I am, but I can't help but thinking that I've made a major mistake. However, I'm not sure what the major mistake was.

• Was is taking a job from this friend?
• Was it turning down the other opportunities?
• Was it moving to the contractor side of things 5 years ago?
• Was it moving to this industry 7 years ago?
• Was it taking any paying job I could get straight out of college, sending me on this path to begin with?
• Was it majoring in (gasp!) Communications in college?

I'm thinking it's the last option. Upon graduation, I had delusions of moving out to California and getting a job in film production. Three months later, I was working in publishing as it was the only job I could find in NY that would give me benefits and was somewhat in my field. After that, I bounced from publishing job to publishing job, never really loving what I was doing, but collecting a paycheck just the same.

After that, I moved into the online world, where opportunity was endless (or so I thought). And now, here I am. I don't think I want to do this anymore, but I also don't know what I want to do otherwise. I want to have another child, and being the lucky IF'er that I am, I will need to get a paycheck in order to do so.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. It feels good to get it out though, which I all I really wanted to do right now.

The exception to the rule?

I just got off the phone with my mom. She's been telling people here and there about the pregnancy, (which is fine; I'm pretty much over trying to keep her quiet now) and everyone is reacting kindly. "She's so thrilled!", "She cried!", etc.

Then she asked me: "have you told anyone else yet?"
"Not really," I said. "I'll tell people when I see them".

Then I realized. I'm not really going out of my way to tell people. I could tell that she thought this was strange, but it's just how I feel. I am definitely excited, but I haven't gotten to the point of yelling and screaming and jumping around the house. Maybe it's the fear of something still going wrong, I don't know.

Also, and I know this sounds odd....I don't want to be defined by this pregnancy. Ever since I've told certain people about it, it's all they ask about:

"How are you feeling?"
"Are you excited?"
"Have you registered yet?"
etc...

I'm still me. Yes, I'm pregnant. Yes, I'm going to have a baby (God willing). But, I still work every day, still do my laundry, still watch TV and laugh with my husband. I'm still me, just with a little extra. Can we talk about something else, please?

Maybe it's the IF thing. I'm so used to being the infertile that this is just foreign to me. I'm still not sure how I should be reacting.

I kiss the sonogram picture on the fridge every day and read exerpts from the "pregnancy journal" to my husband on a nightly basis. I rub my belly and tell my baby how much we love it and can't wait to meet it every night. I look online at nursery furniture and bedding and strollers, but won't dare purchase a thing until at least the 2nd trimester...I do all of these things...I just don't feel like shouting it from the rooftops just yet. Am I the exception to the rule?