Conflicting Emotions

I realize that it's been a ton of time since I've blogged, and it's been for various reasons:

1. I'm crazy busy - in November I picked up more work and have pretty much been slammed ever since. Not that I'm complaining though...I'm so happy to be working again and bringing in some more money. Things were getting a bit scary there for a while. Oh, and then there was the Holidays, G's 2nd birthday, and then ALL THE SNOW. Gah.

2. I have a two year old - Let me just say that while I loved having a baby to hold and cuddle, this phase is totally my favorite. G is so much fun. He is talking all the time, discovering new things every day, and developing quite a little personality. He's a little cuddlebug but can also be headstrong and stubborn...they're not joking when they talk about the "terrible" two's.

3. I really haven't known what to write - My last post was just before I had my FSH levels taken in preparation for round 2. Surprisingly enough, my levels were better than the first time around. Previously, I was at an 11, this time I was at a 7. I know in the grand scheme of things, this doesn't make a difference, but it felt good to have something actually go right with this process. The Barron and I agreed that we would wait a month and then get the process underway.

Then, G got sick
Then, I got sick
Then, the Barron got sick
(none of this was serious, but pretty nasty sinus infections all around)
Then, the holidays hit, and I was hosting
Then, G's second birthday hit
Then, it snowed like a bitch

So....we decided to wait. I know I'm playing with fire, as my chances get smaller and smaller the longer I wait, but we just don't feel ready. We're having a blast with G and he's taking up a lot of our attention. I know if a baby comes along it's going to require a ton of my time and attention and I'm not sure if I'm ready to take that away from G yet. Also, the Barron and I are just tired. We decided to book a trip to the Bahamas in May. THEN, we'll get round 2 underway. We are not going to go later than June. That's the cutoff.

This is where the conflicting emotions come in. I do feel like I'm at peace with our choice, but as soon as we made our decision, about 3 of my friends got pregnant with number 2. All of the emotions from the first time have come crashing back, and it sucks. At the same time, I'm looking forward to going on our trip and don't really want to be pregnant before then. Now, I even feel guilty for writing that as if I'm jinxing myself. My period was late this month for the first time in a while and I thought I might be pregnant and didn't want to be at that point....then I immediately felt guilty for feeling that way since I should take whatever I can get...right? Isn't that the way it's supposed to be for the infertile?

Gah. It just makes me so angry.

Sorry for all of the rambling, but it feels good to get it out this way. I will definitely be posting more, as this has been quite therapeutic.