It's official

Beta this morning. Not pregnant. Taking some time to process and will be back with rants and such. Thanks for all the support!

2 out of 2 HPT's agree....

That I'm not pregnant.

I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. I think it's because I've been setting myself up for this all week. It does come in waves, however. Mostly waves of anger and jealousy of those who this is easy for. I'm also frequently saying the three words that I can't stand, but it seems to apply in this case:

It's not fair.

Mostly, I just feel kind of numb about the whole thing. I have no idea where to go from here. We are more than blessed and lucky to have G and maybe that's just the way it's supposed to be for us.

Slacker

Been a while. Still in the 2ww. I started spotting on Monday (same as last time), but it has progressively gotten darker, and more red. Leading me to believe that this was a bust. I haven't had a good feeling about it since the beginning, so methinks I may have been right all along.

This sucks. I'm actually more angry than sad at this point. I can't help but think that if I had a handle on my fertility (or lack thereof) earlier in my life, than maybe this could have been avoided. Maybe it could be avoided for a lot of women. Don't you think it would be in our best interests to do some sort of check on the female reproductive system during a GYN visit? Give the woman the knowledge of whether or not she'll be able to conceive. Give her the option of freezing her eggs, if she's not ready to reproduce at that time. If I had known then what I know now, I would have done this. Then I would have some healthy eggs to work with.

If I end up with a negative test, I really don't know what our next steps are. Not sure if it's worth doing this again, especially if my eggs are getting worse. Not sure how I feel about egg donor or adoption at this point. Maybe we'll just stick with what we've got. G is the bestest little boy around, so I am very thankful for that. Just wish I could give him a little brother or sister.

Bummed.

Sorry for rambling

Still in a bit of shock

Phone rings at 9:10 this morning.

"Hello Sully, we now have 4 cells. Can you still come in at 10:15 for transfer?"

So, here I am, hours later with a 4 celled embryo on board. Yes, it's probably highly unlikely that it'll take, but at least I got to transfer. Now we wait. Maybe this one is a fighter!

Oh, and bed rest? Close to impossible with a 2.5 year old toddler running around!

Thanks for all the good thoughts - it means a lot to me. Seriously.

And just as quickly as it began....

RE's office called this morning. Embryo didn't develop overnight. Only one cell as of this morning. Looks like we're not going to make it to transfer. I have so many questions for myself. Should I have done things differently? Should we have waited this long? Why? Why? Why?

My heart is broken.

Cross your fingers, toes, and whatever else you have

One.

That's it.

One embryo.

I want it in me now. The wait until Monday will kill me.

Transfer 11AM Monday.

Gonna be hard not to obsess now.

Oh, and I recently found out that my maternal grandmother went through menopause at 38. I'm 34. Think that might be my issue? Hmmm...

All those meds....

And I got five eggs. Fourteen last time, although most were not mature enough to fertilize. Please, please, please let us at least have one good one in the mix. Seeing as there are five eggs, I will reference my adolesence and hope that the "5 bad brothers from the Beantown land" will help me out:
Joey, Donnie, Danny, Jordan and Jon - you owe me for all of the money I spent on the buttons and the pins and the wild fanfare back in the day!