Musings of a Barren-ess

It's official

2011-07-18T19:57:00.002-04:00

Beta this morning. Not pregnant. Taking some time to process and will be back with rants and such. Thanks for all the support!

2 out of 2 HPT's agree....

2011-07-16T07:26:00.002-04:00

That I'm not pregnant.

I'm not as upset as I thought I would be. I think it's because I've been setting myself up for this all week. It does come in waves, however. Mostly waves of anger and jealousy of those who this is easy for. I'm also frequently saying the three words that I can't stand, but it seems to apply in this case:

It's not fair.

Mostly, I just feel kind of numb about the whole thing. I have no idea where to go from here. We are more than blessed and lucky to have G and maybe that's just the way it's supposed to be for us.

Slacker

2011-07-13T09:07:00.004-04:00

Been a while. Still in the 2ww. I started spotting on Monday (same as last time), but it has progressively gotten darker, and more red. Leading me to believe that this was a bust. I haven't had a good feeling about it since the beginning, so methinks I may have been right all along.

This sucks. I'm actually more angry than sad at this point. I can't help but think that if I had a handle on my fertility (or lack thereof) earlier in my life, than maybe this could have been avoided. Maybe it could be avoided for a lot of women. Don't you think it would be in our best interests to do some sort of check on the female reproductive system during a GYN visit? Give the woman the knowledge of whether or not she'll be able to conceive. Give her the option of freezing her eggs, if she's not ready to reproduce at that time. If I had known then what I know now, I would have done this. Then I would have some healthy eggs to work with.

If I end up with a negative test, I really don't know what our next steps are. Not sure if it's worth doing this again, especially if my eggs are getting worse. Not sure how I feel about egg donor or adoption at this point. Maybe we'll just stick with what we've got. G is the bestest little boy around, so I am very thankful for that. Just wish I could give him a little brother or sister.

Bummed.

Sorry for rambling

Still in a bit of shock

2011-07-04T23:24:00.004-04:00

Phone rings at 9:10 this morning.

"Hello Sully, we now have 4 cells. Can you still come in at 10:15 for transfer?"

So, here I am, hours later with a 4 celled embryo on board. Yes, it's probably highly unlikely that it'll take, but at least I got to transfer. Now we wait. Maybe this one is a fighter!

Oh, and bed rest? Close to impossible with a 2.5 year old toddler running around!

Thanks for all the good thoughts - it means a lot to me. Seriously.

And just as quickly as it began....

2011-07-03T13:54:00.001-04:00

RE's office called this morning. Embryo didn't develop overnight. Only one cell as of this morning. Looks like we're not going to make it to transfer. I have so many questions for myself. Should I have done things differently? Should we have waited this long? Why? Why? Why?

My heart is broken.

Cross your fingers, toes, and whatever else you have

2011-07-02T13:12:00.003-04:00

One.

That's it.

One embryo.

I want it in me now. The wait until Monday will kill me.

Transfer 11AM Monday.

Gonna be hard not to obsess now.

Oh, and I recently found out that my maternal grandmother went through menopause at 38. I'm 34. Think that might be my issue? Hmmm...

All those meds....

2011-07-01T20:02:00.003-04:00

And I got five eggs. Fourteen last time, although most were not mature enough to fertilize. Please, please, please let us at least have one good one in the mix. Seeing as there are five eggs, I will reference my adolesence and hope that the "5 bad brothers from the Beantown land" will help me out:
Joey, Donnie, Danny, Jordan and Jon - you owe me for all of the money I spent on the buttons and the pins and the wild fanfare back in the day!

Just like last time

2011-06-29T14:44:00.002-04:00

Trigger tonight, retrieval on Friday. Fingers crossed!

I am a lying liar who lies.

2011-06-28T10:13:00.004-04:00

Long time, no type, huh? Jeesh, between IVF#2, toddler #1 and 2 jobs, I really haven't had much time to write....also, my IVF cycle has been so eerily similar to my last one that I really could just copy and paste my entries from 3 years ago....but, why would I do something like that? ;)

So, on to the title of this post. In my efforts to keep this round on the DL, I have been lying up the wazoo to people. Just today, I've lied twice and my two lies totally oppose eachother. I ran into my cousin while dropping G off at my parent's house on the way to the doctor. She asked why I was dropping him off. I told her I was going to a conference in the city for work (which is actually happening). I then had to call my boss to tell her that I was sick and couldn't make said conference. I'm just waiting for all of this to bite me square in the ass. Hopefully not, but we'll see.

As for the IVF...everything is moving along. I've been stimming for a week and a half now. Again, my dumb-ass ovaries have been slow on the uptake, but it looks like I have 4 decent follies. Last time, I named them for the Beatles. This time, I'm taking a page out of my good friend JJ's book and naming them for the great houses of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Who will win the House Cup? That remains to be seen. Stay tuned.

Brain dump

2011-06-07T13:53:00.003-04:00

-Currently going through IVF for #2 while #1 is running an unexplained fever - stress!
-Chances are retrieval and transfer will be the week that G starts his new summer daycare - stress!
-I've already gained about 4 pounds in the past few weeks (could also be from the 5 days I spent in the Bahamas drinking and stuffing my face, but whatevs...) - stress!
-House is a mess - stress!
-So much work to do - stress!

....ok, gonna go take a nap now.

That Bitch

2011-05-26T13:31:00.003-04:00

When I was going through my first round of IVF (which eventually resulted in my little G man), I remember sitting in the RE's office and giving the side eye to anyone who dared come in with a child in tow. "That bitch has some nerve coming in here with a kid when we're struggling to have even one!"

On Monday? I was That Bitch. I have found that IVF is exponentially more difficult (schedule-wise) the second time around. I'm not sure if all of your experiences are the same, but my RE schedules my appointments at some crazy times, like between 7-9 AM. The RE's office is about an hour away from my house as well, so you do the math. I feel bad asking anyone to look after G that early in the morning, and we are also trying to keep this round on the DL for as long as possible. All of these factors are making this quite complicated.

The Barron and I have decided to let our parents in on the plans in the next few weeks so that on procedure days we can drop G off at one house or another for the time we're in the RE's office. At this rate, it looks like my transfer (if there are embryos to transfer) will be around July 4th. Independence Day, indeed!

All that being said, I have to admit, it was very surreal being in that same office once again with the product of my first round in tow. He charmed everyone there - the doctors, nurses, and even some of the patients (even though I did my best to keep him quiet and subdued in the waiting room). One of the nurses asked me "is he one of ours?"...yes, yes he is.

So, I'm back on the pill for the next 3 weeks, and then back to the good ol' stims. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's kinda hard not to.

Stay tuned.

This is happening

2011-05-23T15:48:00.001-04:00

My protocol starts tomorrow. Round 2, here we go! Stay tuned...

This can't be good

2011-03-15T12:45:00.002-04:00

Price of Preventing Premature Births Skyrockets

(otherwise known as Progesterone is gonna cost a shitload).

Ugh.

Conflicting Emotions

2011-02-10T06:46:00.003-05:00

I realize that it's been a ton of time since I've blogged, and it's been for various reasons:

1. I'm crazy busy - in November I picked up more work and have pretty much been slammed ever since. Not that I'm complaining though...I'm so happy to be working again and bringing in some more money. Things were getting a bit scary there for a while. Oh, and then there was the Holidays, G's 2nd birthday, and then ALL THE SNOW. Gah.

2. I have a two year old - Let me just say that while I loved having a baby to hold and cuddle, this phase is totally my favorite. G is so much fun. He is talking all the time, discovering new things every day, and developing quite a little personality. He's a little cuddlebug but can also be headstrong and stubborn...they're not joking when they talk about the "terrible" two's.

3. I really haven't known what to write - My last post was just before I had my FSH levels taken in preparation for round 2. Surprisingly enough, my levels were better than the first time around. Previously, I was at an 11, this time I was at a 7. I know in the grand scheme of things, this doesn't make a difference, but it felt good to have something actually go right with this process. The Barron and I agreed that we would wait a month and then get the process underway.

Then, G got sick
Then, I got sick
Then, the Barron got sick
(none of this was serious, but pretty nasty sinus infections all around)
Then, the holidays hit, and I was hosting
Then, G's second birthday hit
Then, it snowed like a bitch

So....we decided to wait. I know I'm playing with fire, as my chances get smaller and smaller the longer I wait, but we just don't feel ready. We're having a blast with G and he's taking up a lot of our attention. I know if a baby comes along it's going to require a ton of my time and attention and I'm not sure if I'm ready to take that away from G yet. Also, the Barron and I are just tired. We decided to book a trip to the Bahamas in May. THEN, we'll get round 2 underway. We are not going to go later than June. That's the cutoff.

This is where the conflicting emotions come in. I do feel like I'm at peace with our choice, but as soon as we made our decision, about 3 of my friends got pregnant with number 2. All of the emotions from the first time have come crashing back, and it sucks. At the same time, I'm looking forward to going on our trip and don't really want to be pregnant before then. Now, I even feel guilty for writing that as if I'm jinxing myself. My period was late this month for the first time in a while and I thought I might be pregnant and didn't want to be at that point....then I immediately felt guilty for feeling that way since I should take whatever I can get...right? Isn't that the way it's supposed to be for the infertile?

Gah. It just makes me so angry.

Sorry for all of the rambling, but it feels good to get it out this way. I will definitely be posting more, as this has been quite therapeutic.

Update

2010-10-20T15:30:00.004-04:00

My apologies for the delay. Things have been relatively quiet since my visit to the clinic (which, I will still write about - lots of thoughts and emotions in that waiting room). Basically, we're waiting for AF to arrive so that I can get an FSH level test to see where I'm at. I'm hoping I'm still in that 11 range, as it means we can try again. However, if we see a big increase, my RE has already warned me that he would probably recommend not putting my body through it as the likelihood of IVF working at that point are nil.

Spotting started yesterday, so I have a feeling a blood draw is imminent.

Clarification

2010-09-30T14:27:00.003-04:00

I realize my post yesterday was short and didn't really elaborate on why we're going forward with IVF #2 now. I'm actually trying to keep this round a secret from family and friends (too many questions and too much input from too many people last time), so I plan on laying everything out here on my blog.

Now is actually a pretty bad time to be doing this. Money is tight, G is showing signs of the approaching the terrible twos, and our house is in no way ready for a second child.

However, I was warned upon my first pregnancy not to wait too long before trying again, as my window for child bearing is pretty small. Over the past few months, my periods have been becoming more and more irregular, leading me to believe that the window is almost closed. Along with that, the news from a best friend this week that she is pregnant (no jealousy here - totally happy for her), lit the fire that I needed to move this process along. Barron is totally supportive, but both of us are petrified. Excited, but petrified.

Here's why:

Money, again.
The possibility of multiples
The unpredictability of my job.
How G will deal with a baby in the house.
How will I love another child as much as I love G?
What if it doesn't work? (This is a very real possibility given my history).

I do find myself wanting to be pregnant again though and haven't felt this way in a long time.

So, it's off to the RE on Monday...most likely a date with my old suitor, the dildocam, bloodwork and all that jazz.

I have a feeling this time is going to be tougher than last. We shall see.

Thanks for the well wishes!

On the road again...

2010-09-29T09:57:00.002-04:00

Me: "Hello, I am a patient of Dr. X, and I had IVF in 2008. My son is now 21 months old and we're looking to give it another go."

Nurse: Ok, come in for a follow up on Monday at 10:30 AM.

And with that, the torture/adventure begins again.

More to come...

See you at tha crossroads...

2010-07-22T17:18:00.003-04:00

I've been sitting on this post for some time now...it isn't necessarily IF or G related for that matter, but both do come into play.

I'm finding myself at a crossroads. As you know, I lost my job a few months ago. It wasn't something that I loved doing per se, but it did give me the ability to work from home and make a decent income. I was also good at it. My boss was an incompetent fool who believed in crystals and thought of herself as a "Goddess" and told me that by firing me, she was freeing me up to "find my calling". What a crock of shit.

Anywho, fast forward to a few months later. I have been able to pick up some additional work. Still working from home, but making a fraction of what I was before. I know I'm lucky compared to a LOT of other people out there right now, but it still smarts. The Barron is also gainfully employed (for now), so we are able to stay above water.

The main problem, however? I'm working for a friend.

Long story short, this friend is a previous co-worker. She had hooked me up with an interview for a full - time position at her company (with benefits!) which was all but locked down. I was supposed to be hired in May. The contract fell through, and here I sit. In the interim, I had turned down two decent offers to hold out for the first.

My friend is also an entrepreneur and she has thrown me some work from her side company to keep me going. I know I should be appreciative, and I am, but I can't help but thinking that I've made a major mistake. However, I'm not sure what the major mistake was.

Was is taking a job from this friend?
Was it turning down the other opportunities?
Was it moving to the contractor side of things 5 years ago?
Was it moving to this industry 7 years ago?
Was it taking any paying job I could get straight out of college, sending me on this path to begin with?
Was it majoring in (gasp!) Communications in college?

I'm thinking it's the last option. Upon graduation, I had delusions of moving out to California and getting a job in film production. Three months later, I was working in publishing as it was the only job I could find in NY that would give me benefits and was somewhat in my field. After that, I bounced from publishing job to publishing job, never really loving what I was doing, but collecting a paycheck just the same.

After that, I moved into the online world, where opportunity was endless (or so I thought). And now, here I am. I don't think I want to do this anymore, but I also don't know what I want to do otherwise. I want to have another child, and being the lucky IF'er that I am, I will need to get a paycheck in order to do so.

Where am I going with this? I have no idea. It feels good to get it out though, which I all I really wanted to do right now.

Growing Pains

2010-06-03T16:15:00.004-04:00

G's been walking for about a month now, and with the walking has come a sense of fearlessness that has instilled fear in my very being. He was climbing on the couch today and took a tumble, smacking his face on the coffee table. Of course, this was the one moment that I was putting on my shoes and I happened to not be within close enough distance to catch him.

He's fine, probably going to have a nice black and blue mark on his face, but it shook me up something awful. I haven't been able to get back into the swing of things all day. I know falls are part of growing up, but it doesn't make it any easier.

Also a part of growing up? Disobedience. See the aforementioned climbing on the couch. This kid loves to climb, and nothing I nor my hubby does can stop him. I've done the whole "get down to his level, and say no in a firm voice" thing, but he just laughs. I've also removed him from the couch and distracted him with other things, but this only lasts for a short while. I'm really struggling with how to discipline my child at this phase. I'm thinking today's fall may curb the climbing on the couch though.

And, I'm trying for a second kid? Really? Glutton for punishment. Going the mother nature route at least until the fall. I'm sure I'll be going back to the clinic by then, but figured we'd give it the ol' college try, just in case there's a good egg in there somewhere.

As for me, the employment situation is improving. I'm doing some work for a friend right now, but the money's not nearly as good. I was holding out for a full time position with a friend's company and passed up a lot of opportunities for it. Of course, it fell through. Note to self: don't count on friends for jobs in the future. It sucks how complicated finding a job becomes once you have a kid. "Having it all" has become a myth, but I'm ok with it.

Unemployed

2010-02-15T21:20:00.001-05:00

Well, I'm out of a job. Faaaabulous. Gotta figure this out.

We wish you the Merriest...

2009-12-21T12:07:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I lied.

Happy Holidays to you and yours - may 2010 bring you all the best of everything!

(card from Shutterfly)

In dreams...

2009-10-02T09:15:00.003-04:00

So, I had a dream two nights ago that we were doing IVF again. I woke up the next morning and realized...

I'm ready.

Financially, we'll be waiting until the New Year (hopefully a decent tax return will help). But, I think we need to get the ball rolling soon, as my clock is legitimately ticking...loudly. And, I'm pretty sure that I'm finally OK with it.

Wow...just wow

2009-09-22T16:30:00.002-04:00

You know, this was always in the back of my head when going through IVF, but I've never heard of it really happening!

Mother Given Wrong Embryo in IVF Mix-Up

Good on them for giving the baby to the genetic parents, but God...how do you even deal with it? To get that news, and then find out that it's not your actual baby? Gah.

Those lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer

2009-08-21T11:49:00.003-04:00

It's hot.

Really hot.

Stifling.

I don't think that I have ever sweat as much as I have in this past week. TMI? I don't care. I think the fact that we have been relatively spoiled here in NY this summer with moderate temperatures, led us to get kicked in the ass this week when the heat wave hit. Poor little G doesn't know what to do with himself. He's also in the middle of teething (again), which isn't helping. This has led to a number of sleepless nights for us, but I think we're almost over that hump.

So, the trip? Went extremely well. I handled it a lot better than I thought. It was a little tough to say goodbye, but by the time I was on the plane, I was fine. I called home each night to check in only to hear how much of a good boy he was being.

We had a great time - I definitely recommend getting away for a few days if you haven't yet and have a baby at home. Recharges the relationship and makes you feel like yourself, instead of "mommy" again. Needless to say, we're already looking forward to our next venture.

Last weekend, we took our annual family trip to an Irish Festival in upstate NY, and brought G. It was a 4 day, 3 night excursion, and you would think we were leaving for a year with the amount of stuff I brought for G. The Barron and I had one bag and a cooler. The rest was for baby. If we ever have another kid, we'll have to get yet a bigger car. Heh.

Work is becoming progressively more difficult to get done on days when I don't have help. Grandparents are here watching G on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which is when I have my conference calls. I work the rest of the week when I can (naps, playtime, morning, night), but G is becoming more needy for my attention and I'm not getting done what I need to. Essentially, I'm supposed to be working full-time from home, but I haven't been for a while, and I'm waiting for it to catch up to me.

Because of this, we have made the decision to put G in daycare 2 days a week (Mon & Wed). Two of our closest friends have their children in the same daycare. It is one woman who runs it out of her home, and they speak very highly of her. She lives about 2 minutes from my house, and only has 4 children max on a daily basis. She works "teacher hours", so I would have G back home by 3PM. This has been a hard decision for me, as I thought I'd be able to handle the working from home and being a mom, but it's just not working the way I would like it to. I think he'll do great there, and he'll get to socialize with other kids, which isn't happening much currently. We still need to meet with her, but I'm thinking he'll be set by mid-end of Sept and I'll be able to get more done. I plan on taking Fridays off completely and just spending it with G full-time.

So, that's about it from me. I know I haven't been posting much, but I am still reading up on all of your adventures...hope you are all enjoying your summers!

Leavin' on a jet plane...

2009-07-29T17:02:00.002-04:00

So, the Barron and I are going on a short vacation this weekend. We're heading down to New Orleans on Friday - Monday and leaving G home with his Grandparents. I'm so excited I could burst, but I also know that I will probably spend the entire flight down in tears. I'm gonna miss my boy.

I think we are definitely doing this at the right time. If we don't go now, we'll never go. I have friends who are going on their first solo trip since their son was born (he's 3 and a half). Barron and I used to take trips all the time and it's been rough on us not being able to just get away and focus on us. It should be a nice break.

Gavin loves his GP's and sees each set of them once a week, so I don't think it'll be an issue for him. I'm not nervous about their care either, as they are very familiar with how to take care of him. It's not making it any easier to leave though. I'm giving him tons of extra kisses and hugs this week to make up for it!

As for my not so little guy, who is 7 MONTHS old today, he's doing great. As of our last doctor visit, he is 19 lbs, 13 oz, and 29 inches long. He's rolling all over the place and is very vocal! I'm also pretty sure he's close to crawling, which is scaring the crap out of me. Gotta start babyproofing.

I'm doing well, although I'm starting to realize that working from home and raising a child is harder than I thought it would be. I do have help two days a week from grandparents, but on the other three days, I work when I can. This has become a bit of a problem, because I am not the worker I once was, but I also feel the need to be with my son. Things may have to change down the line, but I'm not sure how. I may need to put G in daycare for a few days in order to get my work done. Just a thought. I'd hate to do it, but it may be what we all need.

Then there's the issue of baby #2. As I noted once before, my OB/GYN suggested not waiting more than a year to try again, as I responded poorly to my first cycle (even though it worked). The Barron recently started a new job which allows us three IVF cycles, but I'm not sure I'm ready to go down that road yet. I always wanted a nice gap between children, but I know it's not a possibility for me. Plus, I'm in no rush to go through all that again. We're going to discuss at the end of the summer to see what our next steps are. We'll see.

Somewhat of a Dilemma

2009-05-20T14:18:00.004-04:00

This is more of a parenting entry...

Lately, I feel as though I'm not doing enough for G's development. I play with him, dance with him, read to him, do tummy time, etc...but sometimes I feel as though I've been at it for hours when it's only been 30 minutes or so, and then I run out of things to keep him occupied. I also will let him play on his own for some time, so I can get some stuff done around the house, etc. I'm trying not to put him in front of the TV too often, but I still feel as if I'm not doing enough. Does anyone else feel that way?

Also, I don't have him on a nap schedule yet. I've been very lucky, as G is a great sleeper. He's been sleeping through the night since he was about 4 weeks old, and naps throughout the day, but at no regular time. If he's fussy, I lie down with him on the couch or put him in his swing and he's asleep in minutes. Or, if we're on a walk, which he loves, he eventually falls asleep as well. However, I'm not sure if this is developing unhealthy sleeping habits, as he's not in his crib. Thoughts?

Gah...parenting is wonderful, but tough. So much questioning of myself. I'm interested to see feedback, if anyone has any to offer.

You've got mail

2009-05-05T16:39:00.002-04:00

I got my first Mother's Day card today. A Mother's Day card? For me? Seriously?

It was sent by my oldest friend and his wife. I'm so truly touched by their kindness in sending. I'm also floored when I think about how lucky I am, and how two years ago on Mother's Day, I had gotten my period after thinking that things had finally worked and was devastated.

Funny how things work sometimes.

Religion, Faith and IVF

2009-05-03T14:11:00.001-04:00

Ugh, I'm coming in a little late on NIAW, and I had every intention on having this post finished in time. So, a day late and a dollar short, here it is:

In honor of National Infertility Awarness Week, I bring to you a post about religion and faith and infertility.

A few weeks ago, my mother brought to my attention an opinion piece in our local Catholic publication regarding IVF. Normally a hard-line Catholic, my mom was infuriated by what this priest had written. Now, I know that in its basic teachings, the Church is opposed to IVF. This was something I struggled with when starting on my journey to Gavin, but eventually put those concerns aside, as I believe that my God would not deny me the ability to have my own child when I was so ready and willing to have one. I would just have to go about it in a different way than most people.

After a while, I logged on and read the piece and was seething with anger by the time I finished. It is a complete and utter condemmnation of those who choose this route.

Now, my faith is extremely important to me, but going through this entire infertility/IVF process has really made me re-examine my faith and the teachings of my Church. I went to Catholic school from Kindergarten through 12th Grade and also attended a Catholic affiliated college. I have found solace in Religon many times over throughout my lifetime. I have travelled to see the Pope twice, participated in Youth Ministry, and was a cantor and Eucharistic Minister throughout my teenage years. I married a non-Catholic, but continued to attend Church on my own. When I received my infertility diagnoisis, I turned to God and said prayer upon prayer to help us through the process.

Although my child was "created" by science, I believe that science was directed by our love and ultimately by God. If my boy was not meant to be, then he would not be.

Now, I do understand where this priest is coming from in terms of adoption. There are indeed many children out there looking for a loving home. This is something that the Barron and I seriously considered, and we still have not ruled it out for future children. However, the adoption process is almost more time consuming and difficult than IVF, and we were not willing to take that route without at least trying for our own biological child.

I do still go to Church occasionally, but my feeling when there has changed significantly. I no longer feel the comfort and solace that I once felt while sitting in the pew. I almost see Church now as a doorway to direct communication with God. A God that I feel, could never look at my son as anything less than a miracle. And this is what keeps my faith alive, while my religion has somewhat lapsed.

Thinking of miracles

2009-04-27T18:17:00.004-04:00

Sometimes when I'm lying on the couch with Gavin on my chest and he is just looking up at my face, I can't help but think that I had no business having this child, yet here he is. And then, I always feel like crying. I just love this little boy so much.

I haven't posted all that much recently...G's been keeping me busy, and work is nuts. I just can't seem to string enough coherent thoughts together to make an interesting post. Although, I do have a few drafts started, which I do intend on posting soon.

Right now though, all I can seem to think is, "Good Lord, where is the time going?"

...and, when and if I want to give it another go.

What a difference a year makes

2009-03-31T11:49:00.003-04:00

Monday, March 31 2008

Tuesday, March 31 2009

Thank you, God.
(and Science too!)

Slainte

2009-03-17T19:32:00.004-04:00

Last year, I wrote this, and then this. It was not a happy St. Patrick's Day. Now, I have this:

May the luck of the Irish be with you!

90%

2009-03-11T13:27:00.006-04:00

My son is a big boy.

We just got back from the doctors, where Gavin got 3 more immunizations (and Mommy shed a few tears over the needles). Other than that, I found out that my son is a giant. He's 14.5 lbs and 24.75 inches. Basically, he's almost half my height! Sad.

All of this puts him in the 90th percentile.

He handled his needles like a champ and is still sleeping in his car seat in the living room. I'll let him rest - he had a rough day.

Other than that, things are going well. Gavin is now 10 weeks old - he smiles, coos like crazy and is almost at the point where he can roll over. I am having a dilemma though. Should I be putting him on his belly more? I keep reading that he should be able to push himself up on his arms by now, and he can't. Actually, he'd rather just lie there and suck on his fists...heh.

He's got amazing head control and neck strength otherwise, but doesn't really push up when I put him on his belly. Any thoughts?

He went to his first St. Patrick's Day parade this weekend and was the hit of the party! I thought he might freak out with all of the people, but he was just great. I've also discovered that he's quite a flirt with the ladies.

Well, he's waking up now, and it's bottle time, so I must be going.

Just when I thought I was out...

2009-02-09T15:58:00.003-05:00

Had my 6 week follow up today and of course, the question about birth control came up. My doctor is a big proponent of the pill, but didn't even try to push it on me. Basically, it's pointless, because the likelihood of me getting pregnant sans-science is slim to none. And what's more? If I want to try again, I should do it within the year.

For real? I'm just getting adjusted to my little guy, and I have to think about getting pregnant again within the year? I definitely want to give Gavin a sibling, but was hoping to at least have 2 years between kids. Ideally, it would be more than that, but I knew that was unlikely with my situation. So, now IVF in the next 6-12 months is a real possibility. I don't know if I'm ready for that again. This sucks.

The Barron and I need to have a serious discussion tonight. Just when I thought I was over the fertility issue, I get pulled back in. IF still sucks, even though I have my little G man.

Groove is in the heart...

2009-02-04T16:31:00.004-05:00

So, I think, THINK we are finally getting into some sort of groove. I have now been able to shower 3 days in a row and am able to get more things done than before while still tending to Gavin's needs.

Speaking of, the little G-man is now 5 weeks old. I have no idea where the past month went. My days are broken into intervals of feeding, diapering and cuddling (this used to be crying, but has gotten significantly better). I am so lucky to be his mom - he is the best thing I have ever done and is so cute that I could just eat him up.

Here are some quick bullets so I can get this post completed before he wakes up from his nap.

Sleeping - Was an issue at the start and is finally getting better. Waking up in the middle of the night for feedings is not the problem, but getting him to go down to sleep initially is the rough part. He's a fidgety kid - kicks his legs and flails his arms about, which prevents him from relaxing. I bought him a sleep positioner this week which seems to have helped.
Feeding - I started out breastfeeding, but have since switched over to bottle. I do not regret this as my son is thriving and I am much happier.
Development - He is starting to smile, which is just the most amazing thing. Other than that, I hope I'm providing enough stimulation for him. How much should I be doing with a 5-week old? Any advice? I play music, let him study my face, talk to him, tummy time (but probably not enough)...Just hope I'm doing enough.
Work - I've actually started working again. As a contractor, I don't really get a maternity leave, and I need to get a paycheck. I have help 2 days a week (parents and inlaws), and this allows me to get in my conference calls and get some work done. I'm still way behind and probably will be for some time, but at least I get to work from home.

I'm glad to see that all of you are doing well - even though I haven't been posting, I have been checking in on all of you. Hopefully, now that we're down to this "groove", I'll be posting more.

Free time? What's that?

2009-01-25T16:19:00.002-05:00

Clearly, I have been neglecting my blog. An update is forthcoming, I promise. Gavin is a demanding little boy, and all of my "free" time is spent getting stuff done around the house and sleeping. Writing thank you notes now, and then will string together a post.

Birth Story

2009-01-10T17:27:00.004-05:00

12/29/08

Since I had a scheduled C-Section, this story won't be as eventful as others, but I'll do my best to keep it interesting.

So, we made it to the 29th with no progress. Baby was not descending into my pelvis and was nice and happy where he was. I probably could have been pregnant for another month or so if it wasn't considered unhealthy - this kid had no desire to leave.

I slept the night before delivery. I still can't believe that I did that, considering that I was scared shitless.

Woke up Monday morning, put up my maternity leave away message for work, straightened up the house, got dressed and got ready to go.

This is the last known picture of pregnant Sully.

All along, I had been hoping that the day I delivered would be relatively quiet in the L&D ward, in order to stay calm and relaxed and get as much attention from the staff as possible. December 29th couldn't have been further from that ideal. Being the first Monday following a holiday week, it appeared that every scheduled c-section was set for that day (My OB had already done 5 before me and I think had another 7 to go after me).

All of the L&D rooms were full, so I was moved into recovery and set up for surgery there. Let me tell you, watching women being rolled into recovery post - procedure is not a good way to get "relaxed" for your own surgery. I nearly passed out when the nurse put in my IV (I do not do well with IV's ), but after that, things went relatively smooth.

I was wheeled into surgery about a half hour later than scheduled. The epidural was administered (which was actually easier than the IV - for me, anyway), and the "sheet" was raised. The Barron was brought in and sat at my right shoulder, and the anesthesiologist was at my left (He was awesome. Warned me I might throw up, which I did - all over myself, and then cleaned me up, since I was numb). He kept a running commentary of the process for us.

Then it began. There was a lot of "what a big baby!", "what a big Irish head", etc...and, of course a lot of tugging. It seemed that he was giving them a run for their money. 2 seconds later he was out. I never had to wait to hear my son's cry as he was crying on the way out. We were told it was a boy, and I changed his name (originally supposed to be Colin) on the spot.

The Barron got to hold him and I got to touch him as they were closing me up. Then, the anesthesiologist placed him on my chest and they wheeled me out to recovery. On the way, my OB grabbed my Mom (who is also her patient) and Dad and the Barron's folks and they got to see him quickly before we were put into recovery.

Of course, he was taken to the nursery, while I was left to recover from surgery. Those were the longest 4 hours of my life - I just wanted to see my boy again. Family and friends came in to see me and told me how cute he was - as they could see him through the nursery window. At about 7:30 PM, I was put in my room and he was brought to me to start our new life together.

It may not have been the delivery I had envisioned. There was never a contraction, we never had to race on the Expressway to get to the hospital on time, my water never broke, and I never pushed, but it was the perfect experience. My son is healthy and perfect (am I using "perfect" too much?) and I couldn't ask for anything more.

"How we're doing" will come in another post. Things are finally starting to settle down somewhat.

Update coming

2009-01-06T00:15:00.003-05:00

As soon as I can string together more than 5 minutes of computer time. But, here's something to tide you over for now...

He peed all over this about an hour later - ah, gotta love boys! :)

Holding back the years

2008-12-31T20:59:00.002-05:00

I remember the days when New Years Eve was a huge occasion for me. All of my friends would congregate at the house of our friend with the "cool parents" - you know, the ones who were okay with underage drinking - get blitzed, and just be merry (the "cool parents" at least had the state of mind to take our car keys). This went on throughout my college years, where we were no longer underage drinkers, until we all started to go our separate ways. Each year after that became a challenge to come up with something new to do. Always the type of person who lives in the past, I did my best to keep the tradition alive each year, as marriages and children affected the yearly attedance. Last year we were down to two, the Barron and I spent the evening at home together watching Anderson Cooper ring in 2008 with Kathy Griffin.

Tonight, I am sitting in a hospital room in my pajamas with a sore abdomen, swollen breasts, and cracked nipples. The couple sharing my room has their entire extended Italian family up to watch the ball drop past visiting hours, and they are trying in vain to get away with it (I'll keep you posed). The Barron is sitting on a cheap faux leather recliner to my right and next to me, my perfect son is rousing from sleep. I can't believe how fortunate I am. After all the fun times and great memories, there is nothing more I could want than this. We will ring in 2009 with a glass of sparkling cider and a nice buzz from my percoset. I hope all of you get everything you wish for in 2009 - here's to a great year.

The best cheesecake around!

2008-12-31T08:58:00.003-05:00

Gavin James
8 lbs, 10oz
12/29/08

More to come

Today's the day

2008-12-29T10:51:00.000-05:00

Only 5 hours till baby! Eeek! Nervous about surgery, but ecstatic about baby. I'll fill ya'll in as soon as I can.

Monday, Monday

2008-12-27T12:39:00.002-05:00

So, it's gonna be Monday. Cheesecake's head is still high and not in my pelvis, so at 3:30 PM EST on Monday, 12/29, he/she will be forceably removed from my body. I have made peace with the fact that I will not be pushing my child out on my own, as it appears that this will be the safest alternative for both the baby and myself (size is creating a bit of an issue). Happily, at the same time, Cheesecake is thriving - it appears that my uterus is an ideal home, and that it has no desire to leave. I hope this isn't the case when my child is 18. I can see it now:

CK: "Mom, I'm going to live here forever"
Me: "Get out"
CK: "But Mo-om, I love it here"
Me: "Get out"

:)

So, the Barron and I are spending this weekend tying up loose ends and getting the house in order. I should be in the hospital for about 4 days, but will do my best to get word to ya'll ASAP. Thanks so much for all of the well wishes and support. I can't believe that in a little more than 48 hours, I'll be a Mommy!

Merry Christmas

2008-12-23T15:08:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to send Holiday Wishes to all of you out there. I hope this Christmas season brings you everything you've wished for and all the best in the New Year as well.

As for me, I'm still here - scheduled for a c-section on 12/29, and I think that's going to be the case, as baby seems to be quite content where he/she is for now. Oh well - guess I'll just have to celebrate my last Christmas as a non-parent. :)

40w 2days

2008-12-21T17:24:00.002-05:00

....Still here, still pregnant. Just thought you'd like to know :)

D-Day

2008-12-19T11:54:00.003-05:00

Well, today is D-Day. Delivery Day, Due Date, etc....and I'm going nowhere fast. NST and BPP all went well - baby is thriving and is perfectly happy where it is. However, there's one catch...

It's big.

Bigger than we expected anyway. I'm carrying relatively small, but they're projecting Cheesecake to be over 8lbs at this point. Eeeek! So, now the plan is to give it a week, and if nothing happens, I have a scheduled C-section on the 29th. I'm kinda bummed about it, but whatever gets baby here in the safest way possible is fine with me. If we could do it today, I would, but they want to give me a shot at a vaginal delivery.

So, basically, we're not just looking at a plain ol Cheesecake....It's one of those super dooper deluxe Cheeesckake-Factory concoctions:

Mmmmm....now I'm hungry.

0 Days

2008-12-18T10:17:00.001-05:00

Counter says "0", but that doesn't seem to make a difference to Cheesecake. Oh well. Keeping myself busy with Christmas errands. Not much to do for work since I've pretty much passed everything off to others, so I guess I'll keep puttering around the house. NST and BPP tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Staying Put

2008-12-15T12:38:00.004-05:00

So, it looks like most of my due date compatriots have had their babies, but mine appears to be going nowhere fast.

Had a checkup this morning. cervix is still closed and high. I am now scheduled for three NST's - one on Friday (my actual due date), one the following Monday and one on the 26th - Merry Christmas to me. If baby is still not here by then, I will be induced on the 28th.

I really don't want to have to be induced. And I really want this baby out, like yesterday. Sooo, needless to say, I will be exercising, taking bumpy car rides, eating spicy food and someone will probably be happy to know that he'll be getting lucky a few times this week. Although, I can't guarantee that it'll be any good with the beached whale that I've become.

Otherwise, I guess I'll just wrap Christmas gifts and keep working as usual. Doctor said to "try not to think about it too much". HAHAHAHA! ugh.

10 Days....seriously?

2008-12-08T20:48:00.002-05:00

Holy crap. My ticker says 10 days. Freaking out. Although, I still wouldn't mind if it were sooner. Had a checkup today, complete with internal. Cheesecake is sitting pretty up by my belly button, so not low enough to go anywhere yet (although to look at me, you'd think he/she were ready to pop right on out)...still only 1 cm and cervix is "soft". Blech. I was hoping for more progress.

I did however, gain 3 pounds. Yeesh. I went from gaining no weight last week to 3 pounds this week. Bringing me up to 21 lbs in total. Not too terrible, but I'm really starting to feel like a sea cow, and can't wait to start exercising again. Going to be taking lots of long walks with this kid once he/she gets here.

Well, if Cheesecake isn't going anywhere for a while, I guess I'll finish up my Christmas shopping and wrapping so I'm all set. Sigh.

Ungh!

2008-12-03T17:11:00.001-05:00

This cold is kicking my ass. I have already used up about 3 full boxes of tissues, my nose is red and raw, and there's NOTHING I can take...oh, right 25 mg of Benadryl. That's it. Thanks. Ungh. Cheesecake, no need to come now...give mommy a few days to feel better first...thanks!

Ah - CHOO!

2008-12-01T15:57:00.002-05:00

Well, I knew it was bound to happen. I made it this far without getting sick, and then 3 weeks until my due date...BAM! The common cold strikes. My throat is killing me, I can't stop sneezing and pretty much feel all together lousy. Ah, my kingdom for some NyQuil!

Oh well, guess I'll just have to tough it out. Hopefully Cheesecake doesn't show until after I've shaken it so I don't have to worry about passing it around.

In other news, I had a checkup this morning and am officially 1cm dilated. Now, I know that's pretty much nothing at this point, but still, it means the process is somewhat underway. Yay! So, now, I'm scrambling to get so much done ...Christmas cards, finish shopping, wrapping, etc....Oh, yeah...and get all of my work in order as well. Fun.

I still can't get over the fact that by this time next month (hopefully by then!) I'll be someone's mom. Eeek! This is so huge. I'm freaking out and excited at the same time.

Eviction Notice

2008-11-24T11:16:00.002-05:00

Cheesecake,

Hi Darlin, it's your mama here. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am that you're almost here. I can't wait to hold you and see your little face, and finally know what you are - boy or girl. You are everything your daddy and I have wanted for so long, and the wait seems almost unbearable.

That being said, I'm done. I'm ready. Time for you to vacate the premises. I'm tired of the backaches, heartburn, and general discomfort. I'm sick of wearing the same 3 outfits over and over again. I hate feeling like I'm going to vomit after eating only a bite of my dinner. I miss my toes, being able to shave my legs and basically just groom myself. I miss turkey sandwiches, coffee and beer. I'm starting to feel selfish and am ready to have ownership of my body back.

Now, I know how lucky I am. I thank God every single day for you and for the fact that we were given this amazing gift. Please don't think of me as a horrible person. If you're a girl, you'll understand this one day as well.

So, if you don't mind doing your mama a favor, please arrive on time (or even a little early, if you see fit)...I promise Santa will be good to you this Christmas!!!

love you always and forever,
Mommy.

2190

2008-11-12T20:57:00.002-05:00

Two thousand, one hundred and ninety days. No, it's not how long I've been pregnant (although I do sometimes feel that way). It's actually the duration that the Barron and I have been married as of this coming Saturday - 6 years in total.

We're both taking the day off on Friday to have an extended celebration. We'll go out to breakfast and just spend the day together doing non-baby things (for a change). We also plan on going out for a nice dinner on Saturday. We originally wanted to go away for the weekend, but I think it may be too risky, being only 5 weeks out from my due date, and feeling pretty damn uncomfortable, frankly.

We went to a wedding two weeks ago, and it really made me think. While sitting there in the Church, in my tent-sized bridesmaid dress, I realized that I am better off now then I was six years ago. I am a better person for marrying my husband. I couldn't have picked a better partner, and am so excited for this next phase of our lives together. If you're reading this, I love you hon!

As for baby-business, everything is status quo, except for the fact that I am getting increasingly uncomfortable. Baby is very active, which is great, but can get tiresome after a while - as it is now pushing on my bladder and stomach at pretty much all times. However, movement is good, so I'll take it. I have about 5 weeks left and am ready. I'm ready to have my body back to myself, and of course to meet this little one and finally find out who he/she is.

Overreact much?

2008-10-27T14:31:00.003-04:00

Here's how I spent my Sunday afternoon:

I went to Walgreens to pick up some necessities, and when I got out of the car, my pants were all wet (my jeans leg). The crotch wasn't really wet, but the leg was wet in a spot where it would normally be wet if one had peed their pants. Now, it had rained the night before, and I was checking all over my car to see if maybe I had bumped something and gotten myself wet, but I couldn't determine that and started to freak.

We had our Childbirth Education class on Saturday, at which the nurse warned that any fluid leakage should be treated as an emergency. So, I went home and asked the Barron what he thought - he thought it was in a weird spot too and agreed w/ me that maybe we should call the
Doctor.

I call, Dr. says - "get to the hospital - if your water broke, you just bought yourself an admission until this baby is born".

So, now I'm hysterical..."I'm going to miss my nephews wedding (this weekend), "I'm going to miss Thanksgiving", "nothing is ready!", "how will I work?", and of course fear for the baby.

I get admitted to hospital, hooked up to monitors, etc. Then, I have a pelvic exam.

Nothing.

Sonogram.

Nothing. In fact, I have plenty of fluid, so much so that when my water actually does break it'll be a huge mess.

Baby is happy and moving around (and we saw it's cute little face!)

So, basically, I must have wiped up against something somehow and got my pants wet and spent two hours in the hospital for nothing.

However, the nurses said I was right to come in and check.

I still feel like an idiot though.

I can't wait to just have this kid out of my body (at it's correct time, though!).

365 Days

2008-10-15T14:37:00.003-04:00

One year ago today, I started this blog. I was in a bad place and needed somewhere to put my frustrations down in writing. I never really expected anyone to read them, nor actually take the time to respond or commiserate.

A year later, I sit here; 30 weeks pregnant with this baby that has been so wanted for so long by so many, but most especially by myself and my husband. We have been through so much, but it has truly been an amazing journey. I don't think I would trade it, either. Although painful and not understood by so many people, infertility has made me a stronger person, and I honestly think I'll be a better parent for it. Call me naive, but I do. I have learned to appreciate so many things on this journey, and feel like I take less for granted than I ever have.

I am so grateful to all of you who read and comment here. I truly feel like I can call many of you my friends, without ever personally meeting you! I find myself talking to hubby at night about Sara's strength and ongoing struggle to keep Spot inside for as long as possible, JJ's struggles and joys over Ron (and her hubby's Pearl Jam obsession, which my husband shares), Tara's witty stories and similar experiences with family, and my respect for Kym for doing what she does. There's so many others as well, and I have to say that I don't think I could have gotten through most of this without you. Friends and family here know our situation, but no one can appreciate it as much as someone who has been there.

Also, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day. I am very fortunate to never have to experience this first hand, but to those who have, I remember you today, admire your strength, and pray that you find peace.

30 Weeks - Random Musings

2008-10-11T16:46:00.005-04:00

October 4, 2007. I go in to the hospital to have my Lap & Hysteroscopy and am later diagnosed with diminished ovarian quality.

October 4, 2008. My baby shower.

I am getting bigger by the day and feel disgusting.

My body is voluptuous and I feel sexy.

I am afraid of change - good, bad, you name it. I don't handle it well.

I can't wait to meet this baby.

I wish I had more time.

I want it here tomorrow.

I am worried about how my marriage will change.

I can't wait to see how this changes our marriage.

I'm going to be a terrible mother.

I'm going to kick ass at this mothering stuff.

I am petrified.

I am elated.

Showers of happiness

2008-10-07T21:41:00.004-04:00

Saturday was my baby shower! It was a complete and total surprise, especially since I'm still more than 2 months away from my due date. However, being that my due date is smack dab in the middle of the Holiday season, and we have a big wedding coming up in early November in my family, it turned out to be the perfect time.

I can't even begin to tell you how overwhelmed I am with the generosity of family and friends who were there. Everyone is so excited about our little cheesecake and can't wait to meet it. It really was a wonderful shower, and I was so happy to be able to spend some time with everyone in the middle of the chaos. We (well, the baby) got beautiful gifts, and let me tell you, this baby is going to be better dressed than either of it's parents!

Everything else is going well. Work is busy (as usual), and I'm trying to tie up as many loose ends as possible in the next month or so to prepare. Working in marketing at the beginning of a financially disastrous Q4 makes for a stressful time.

The baby is moving and grooving, but there are some days where it decides to be lazy and I tend to get all panicky. I know I'm probably just overreacting, but I would much rather this child be kicking me 24/7 than not.

I've been keeping up with everyone else's goings-on out there, and am happy to see that things are going well (or as well as can be) for all of you.

It's almost 10PM here and I should be finishing up some work (and paying more attention to the Presidental Debate), so I'm going to take my leave now. More soon.

Trudging along

2008-09-29T17:51:00.001-04:00

So much to say, so little time. I realize I haven't posted in well over 10 days and wanted to let ya'll know that I'm alive and well (and so is the cheesecake). Think of this as a placeholder for a longer post later in the week. Hope all of you out there in blogland are well!

A lifetime ago...

2008-09-11T13:49:00.004-04:00

"Someone just crashed a plane into the Twin Towers!"

"Oh, please Kate - it was probably some amateur pilot who had no idea what he/she was doing", said skeptical 24 - year old me to my somewhat loony office mate on that sunny Tuesday.

More rumblings and gossip throughout the office. I check CNN.com. The site won't load. Something is not right. People walk into the office with news from the outside world - they're saying another plane hit. I finally decide to call my boyfriend, who works in Tower 1. No answer.

Now, the Pentagon is under attack. My Midtown Manhattan office has become crazy town...people are running back and forth to the cafeteria to get the latest updates from the television. I am paralyzed, handcuffed to my desk, afraid to leave the phone. I try again. No answer. He hasn't called.

People are crying. Work has come to a halt. I have to pee, but am afraid to leave my desk. My coworker promises to pick up the line so I can take a quick run to the toilet. I want to throw up.

The buildings are falling. We were just there on Friday having a drink at the bar in the lobby, weren't we?

His parents call me from their vacation. I have no news for them. His best friend calls me from work, crying. I have no news for him. I call my mother at work, and finally lose it. People keep calling me for answers, and I have none.

People are leaving the office to get home to their families. I will not leave. Not until I have some sort of an answer.

An eternity later, the phone rings. It's him. My body completely gives out and I cry tears of joy and horrible sorrow for all that has been lost. He doesn't know the buildings fell. He jumped on a subway train right after the 2nd plane hit and was stuck riding uptown for about an hour (which felt like a lifetime). I have to give him the sad details.

A half hour later, he is at my office with me. We are trying to figure out how we will be getting home. We walk to Penn Station. Broadway is dark. Times Square is dark. I've never seen anything like this. The train ride is silent. I arrive home and fall into my mother's arms and sob.

Seven years later, Mom is retired, I work from home (after 3 more years in NYC and some jobs closer to home), and the boyfriend is now the Barron. We were engaged that December, deciding that life was too precious to wait any longer. And we are now, finally ready to welcome a baby into our lives.

I am still filled with sorrow over what happened that day. My city was forever changed, and many close to me lost so much. I never forget how fortunate I was that day and how close I came to losing a loved one as well. My thoughts and prayers are with all of those who did.

100 Days!

2008-09-09T10:55:00.002-04:00

According to my little due date widget, there are 100 days left until my due date. Aaaaah! The freakout is setting in. There's so much to do! Oh well. At the same time, I can't wait for this kid to get here. I won't feel 100% happy until this baby has been born and is out of my body, of which I have no faith in.

Glucose test tomorrow. The orange drink stares at me from my refrigerator door....do you think I can spike it with some vodka? No? Just me? Ok.

100 more days....

Worry, worry, bother, bother

2008-09-03T14:33:00.004-04:00

And to think I wrote about writer's block yesterday. Having some minor spotting today. No cramping, and baby is moving, but it's still unnerving. Left a message with the OB and am waiting for a call back. I hate this. Why can't any of this just be easy? My head is filled with bad thoughts right now and I'm trying to block them out. This is when working from home all alone totally sucks.

*Update*
Got an emergency appointment with the Dr. Baby is fine, heartrate is strong, cervix is closed and long. I may still see some spotting throughout the night, but it was most likely a fluke. Crisis averted for now. Phew. Thanks for the good thoughts!

Grasping at Straws

2008-09-02T11:45:00.003-04:00

(image Copyright © 2007 Marco Alexandre de Oliveira)

I know it's been a while, and I do apologize. You see, I have writer's block. Everything has been moving along nicely, and therefore, I have nothing to bitch about. Ha. Anywho....

The cheesecake has been very active lately...kicking me on and off throughout the day. The Barron has felt it a few times as well, which is fun for him. It's really starting to become real, isn't it? I've completed my registry, and a few things have been purchased, which is exciting...I guess I should buy a dress in case a shower approaches. I got stuck in jeans and a tee shirt at my bridal shower (it was most definitely a surprise), and I refuse to let that happen again! The nursery is slowly coming along...we still need to paint trim and hang doors, but the temperature here in NY is starting to come down, so we should be able to make some nice progress in the next month or so.

I have my glucose test next Wednesday, and the orange drink is sitting on my refrigerator door staring me down on a daily basis. Not looking forward to it, but it's a fact of life, no?

Work has just been insane. I'm trying to get all of my ducks in a row and start training some of my colleagues to handle critical items for when I am "out" after the baby comes. I also think I'm finally nesting, as I feel an extreme need to get organized - which, I never am.

I'm sorry for all of the rambling...more updates after my next Dr. Visit. I'm glad to hear/see that things are going well for all my compatriots out there. Stay strong, ladies!

Well, hello there!

2008-08-20T09:57:00.001-04:00

I've been crazy busy and haven't had time to post lately. Hopefully this snapshot of the Cheesecake will tide you over until I'm back among the land of the blogging! I am keeping up with everyone else's blogs though and glad to see that ya'll are doing well!

Gender Predictions: Girl - 1, Boy - 0

2008-08-08T08:51:00.004-04:00

I got my first gender prediction yesterday while getting a haircut. The hairdresser at the station next to mine wished me congratulations when I was leaving and then said "I think you're having a girl". Silly me never asked why - did she think my ass looked big? Has the baby "stolen" my beauty? (both old wives tales, but still). So, I think I'll keep a tally until delivery day of all my predictions. I refuse to make any, because I'm always wrong, and really, I'm happy with whatever I get at this point!

Ode to the Vee Dub

2008-08-05T17:48:00.005-04:00

My husband bought the VW in the Fall of 2001. His sensible Corolla had been totalled a few weeks earlier and he turned around his insurance money to buy a 1.8 Turbo VW GTI. At the time, I was anxiously awaiting an engagement ring, and was none too happy when he picked me up from the gym driving this new car. Needless to say, I hated it from the start. (I was a silly girl, what can I say?)

We were married the following November, and this was the car that we drove the day after when we left the hotel and drove to our new apartment to start our life together. It didn't have a lot of room in the backseat for passengers (or other nefarious activities), but the trunk had plenty of space for necessities, making it our go-to travel vehicle. We drove it to upstate New York for our annual trip to the Irish festival with my family, to Boston, Hartford, and Hershey, PA for sporting events and concerts and to Vermont for a spontaneous Anniversary weekend getaway (among other locations).

Hubby took meticulous care of this car. He was always cleaning it, parking it away from other cars at the store to avoid dings and dents, filling it with premium gas, and keeping up with maintenance and the like. In the 7 years since it was purchased, we even managed to keep the mileage low (still only at 36K). He also always loved the pickup that the turbo engine provided on the parkways. I never quite appreciated it. It was a gas guzzler to say the least.

Then, infertility struck. This was the car that I drove daily to my doctors appointments, 45 minutes away from home, speeding on the parkway to make it in time for my blood draw. I fell asleep in the passenger seat on the drive home after my retrieval and it got us and our precious cargo home safely after 3 embryos were transferred in March. After that, I gained a new appreciation for the car. It became my friend. I drove it more often...to checkups and appointments, shopping and family gatherings.

Yesterday, we sold it. Actually, we traded it in for a more family-friendly Honda CR-V. There wasn't enough room in the VW for a car seat and other baby-necessities. My car is a beat up old Corolla and wouldn't get us any money on a trade. Hubby kept a brave face, but I know it was killing him inside. I, on the other hand cried. Tears of thanks for getting us around safely, tears for the memories of the trips we took, tears for the last 6 years that we've spent in it, and tears because I know that the next buyer won't be as good to it as we were.

I love our new car....it's the car that will bring our baby home from the hospital, but I will always have a small spot in my heart for the one I gave a chance to a little bit too late.

Godspeed, VW. Thanks for the memories.

(this is the last time we saw it - in the garage at the dealership)

20 Weeks

2008-08-01T15:39:00.004-04:00

20 Weeks today. I'm in awe of the fact that I am halfway through a pregnancy that I never thought I would have. As I was sitting in the doctor's office today waiting to get called for my ultrasound, I reflected on my time at the RE's clinic - blood draws, needles, dildo cams, etc....It all seems so long ago, and yet just like yesterday at the same time. I am ever so greatful and will be indebted to these people for the rest of my life for the gift they have given me.

Who else am I thankful for/to? The Barron. This entire process has most definitely made our marriage stronger. I know this hasn't been the easiest road for him, and he has been nothing but supportive and my true partner. He's going to be a great father.

Anywho, on to the details. We saw the cheesecake today. Yes, we're calling it the cheesecake. Basically, my last name is that of a famous brand of cheesecake starting with the word "Baby" - so, it works. If you haven't figured it out, that's fine...it still gives me some sense of anonymity. :) The ultrasound was perfect. Nice strong heart, all internal organs accounted for, ten fingers, ten toes, and a cute little face (well, what I could make of it anyway). Then came the question:

"Do you want to know?"

And, at that moment, although every fiber of my being was shouting "YES!!!!"...

"No, we're going to wait"

ARRRRRGH. That was one of the hardest things I've done. The tech knows, the doctors know, and I don't. Although, going through IVF has enabled us to know everything; some things we never wanted to know in the first place...so, we should be able to have this one thing. 2o more weeks and I'll have my answer.

Celebrity Vent

2008-07-28T09:52:00.003-04:00

In an interview recently, Kim Kardashian stated:

"having six kids is amazing; it’s exactly what I want," adding, "It’s what I grew up with, so I can’t imagine anything less."

Ugh. Now, I'm not picking on Kim alone, but since she's the latest to do so, she gets to be the victim of my ire.

First of all, what self respecting adult talks like that? "Six kids...it's exactly what I want". I've also heard other celebs say "oh, I want two girls and two boys", etc..." What the hell? Yeah, I would say shit like that too - when I was FIVE! Maybe it's the bitter infertile in me that thinks "yeah, good luck with that" every time I read a quote like this, but argh! It just frustrates me so much.

Also, it has to be said...what is with society's obsession with celebrity babies? And why is it that as soon as someone famous is dating someone, do they need to be asked "do you want to have children?" - Is that anyone's business, really? And, on top of that, they are expected to give an answer about adoption as well. Kimmy here is opposed to adoption. That's her prerogative, but it's none of my business. It's just distasteful to me, that's all.

....although, I know I'll be slapping down my $3.50 as soon as the Brangelina twins issue of People comes out. I hate myself.

20 week ultrasound on Friday! I can't wait!

Oh, and Kim, stop tainting Reggie please. You're going to ruin the Saints season. Thanks.

Quick and dirty update

2008-07-18T17:39:00.003-04:00

So, I've finally realized that work is not worth getting stressed about when you're 18 weeks pregnant. There are many more important things in life. This past week and a half have been hell...work wise. It's mid-year review time, so I have numerous presentations to put together for my clients. Also, my best co-worker...the one I count on for everything, is out for her honeymoon for 2 weeks, which leaves me in a lurch, and I have 3 clients each with a problem. When it rains, it pours.

I'm slowly getting through my to-do list and not overpromising anything (which I always do) ...and trying to stay as calm as possible. We had a nice little getaway last weekend, which helped significantly with my outlook.

Anywho, saw the OB on Wednesday...was so happy to hear the little one's heartbeat, which was nice and strong. My 20 week ultrasound will be on August 1st...I can't wait! We won't be finding out the sex, which will be difficult, but I think there are so few surprises in life..this is one that I want to have. We'll see if I can actually hold out though. I think....think..I've felt a few flutters here and there, but I'm not 100% sure. It could be gas...especially with my heartburn lately.

Speaking of, that's pretty much what I've been feeling lately. H&H...heartburn and headaches. Both are making me miserable - when I feel them. It also doesn't help that we're in the middle of a heatwave today. I just want to go out and breathe fresh air, without the mugginess.

Bad Day

2008-07-10T17:12:00.002-04:00

If I drank a fifth of vodka right now, would it really hurt the baby? Seriously?

Gah! No, I'm not actually going to do it, but man, it has been one of those days. I'm ready to throw my beloved laptop out the window and just live as a hermit for a few days. Good thing the hub and I are getting away for the weekend.

Remaining alcohol free, but still crazy!!!

Frustrating

2008-07-07T10:12:00.003-04:00

Sixteen weeks. We've made it sixteen weeks. I'm still in awe of this entire process. Elating and wonderful, yes, but very frustrating as of late.

In a nutshell, I hate not knowing what's going on. My OB appointments are now a month apart, I can't feel the baby moving yet, and I have no way of knowing if every thing is ok. I feel good, and I know I'm still pregnant and all, but seriously, if I were married to crazy Tom Cruise, and he purchased an ultrasound machine for me, I would think it was the best gift in the world!

Anyone else in this situation?

What a difference a year makes

2008-06-30T16:12:00.003-04:00

Apologies for not posting lately...things have been nuts. Nothing bad, just crazy busy. Work has been so busy over the past week; I attended a conference and spent the weekend away with family...things are finally starting to slow down now, but I'm still digging my way out from under a ton of work. Blech. Oh to be independently wealthy!

Anywho, on to this post:

One year ago yesterday (June 29th), the Barron and I had our first appointment at the clinic. It feels like it was yesterday. We had been trying for well over a year to get pregnant, and my OB/GYN wrote me a referral to have things checked out. I had a routine exam, post-coital test and the Barron received a scrip for a sperm analysis, and we were sent on our way.

I would later go through an HSG (July), diagnostic laparoscopy, DNC, and various blood tests to find out that my ovaries are in premature failure and my only option of getting pregnant was IVF.

We met with the RE about IVF in early Feb, and the rest is history.

I cannot say enough about my miracle workers. Every single person I dealt with, from the Chief, to the RE's to the nurses and staff (except for one receptionist who seemed to have a never ending pole stuck up her ass), was professional and kind and always treated us with the utmost respect. They were our biggest fans through this entire process, and I could tell that their joy for us when we received our positive was genuine.

I know that I will be back there one day (if we want to have more children), but I wanted to take this opportunity to document how greatful I am to them.

On the baby front, things are pretty quiet. I'm feeling pretty normal right now, which is weird. I should probably enjoy it while I can. I'm starting to show, but to the untrained eye, it still looks like a gut. I don't meet with the OB again for about 3 weeks, so I'm just trying to relax and have faith that everything inside me is progressing as it should.

Status Quo

2008-06-20T16:42:00.002-04:00

Ultrascreen came back negative. Everything is fine. Not much else to report, except that I'm losing my sanity from my damn job. Hopefully, I'll be back in better form next week. Have a fab weekend everyone!!!

I'm in, I'm out, I'm sleepin...

2008-06-17T11:02:00.002-04:00

Quick post, just so ya'll know I'm alive and kickin'. Work and life have both been crazy busy lately and I haven't had time to get everything down "on paper".

The ultrascreen went well...I'll have results this week. What was really awesome though, was the in depth sonogram they performed for the test. We got to see baby movin and groovin all over the place. I actually cried on the table, I was so happy to see it move. The only sucky part was the damn finger prick blood test. Take a vial out of my arm any day, please! Ugh.

Visit with the OB tomorrow and I'll hopefully have a better update. Otherwise, finally starting to feel more like myself. Also, have moved up to maternity pants...the jeans were just too tight when I was sitting.

Sending all of my best thoughts, and sticky vibes to the residents of Gryffindor House over at Reproductive Jeans!!!

I'm Melting!

2008-06-10T13:50:00.003-04:00

It's 95 degrees here in NY today (but feels like over 100). I'm sitting in my bedroom/office with the A/C turned up and all of my shades pulled down. It's a fortress. I'm somewhat cool, but this is kind of depressing. We're supposed to have major thunderstorms tonight, and then more acceptable temperatures tomorrow. Thank God!

In this heat, the last thing I feel like doing is eating, but being pregnant has kept me hungry constantly - it's a vicious cycle. I'm getting by on light but not very nutritious foods...hopefully I'll be able to stomach some more variety soon.

Nothing much else going on...except that I'm having an Ultrascreen on Thursday morning. Anyone have experience with one of these? It's supposedly a very early test for Down's. My OB asks all of her patients to have one. It's pretty much an ultrasound where they look at fatty deposits behind the baby's skull and also take some blood from me. Both of the tests will be combined to come up with a risk factor, and from that they should be able to tell if I'll need any further testing down the line. It takes about one week for results to come in. I know this is a good thing, but it also makes me somewhat nervous. Keep your fingers crossed for me if you can.
Also, keep those fingers crossed for Kymberli and Sara too - both of them are going through some trials right now and could use the good luck and well wishes.

Like the deserts miss the rain...

2008-06-03T10:34:00.006-04:00

In lieu of any news (I don't have another OB appt for 3 weeks), I figured I'd dedicate this post to all of the things I miss in my life due to this pregnancy. Now, I'm not bitching about being pregnant, but man, do I miss a few of these guys like a kid misses candy. Mmmmm...candy.

Number 1:
Coffee.
Ah, sweet nectar of life, how I miss you daily. Before IVF started, I had a 3-cup a day habit. Totally bad, I know, but it got me through the day. I eventually moved to half-caf, and then to decaf, and now to nothing, and it's KILLING me. And people, I'm sorry, but decaf is NOT the same. Tons of people say that to me, but it's not. All you coffee drinkers out there know what I mean. I have told the Barron that after delivery, I request that he make a trip to Dunkin Donuts and bring me a medium french vanilla coffee w/ skim milk and sugar. In the hospital.

Number 2:
Beer.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a big fan of beer. I have never been all that into mixed drinks, and am not a wine connoisseur. Beer, I can do. And, not just any beer - I like the good stuff. the Barron and I love going to various breweries and tap houses to try all different types of beers from around the world and such. It was our Friday tradition to go out after work for a few beers and good conversation. I miss it. It's for the best, definitely, but I do miss it. Especially now that it's getting warmer and I just want a cold beer. (At left is a pic we took of taps in Ireland - ahhh Guinness.)

Number 3:

Cold cuts.

Sometimes I just want a damn sandwich. Is that so much to ask? Gah.

There's more to the list, but not enough time to put it in today - I'm sure I'll have other posts like this down the line. Seriously, not trying to bitch, and I know I'll be able to have all of this post baby, but damn. I think when you're pregnant, you should be able to have everything you want, as well as look kick ass. Instead, I have to cut things out and look like an unholy mess. Ah, the wonders of life. Hee!

Other than that, not much to report. I've been ill for three days straight now. I thought I was over the sickness, but I've been having persistent nausea and HORRIBLE headaches since Sunday. Little one, please give your mama a break. Thanks!

And when I go there, I go there with you...

2008-05-28T16:13:00.003-04:00

...it's all I can do.

-Where the Streets Have No Name, U2

Today is the Barron's birthday. He doesn't read this blog, although he does know about it's existence. So, with that in mind, Happy Birthday, hon! It's been a long and rough year, but I could never have gotten through it with out your love and unwavering support. Marrying you was the best decision I ever made, and I can't wait to see you be a father to our baby. I love you.

Introducing....

2008-05-26T12:06:00.002-04:00

Here's my little bean! It doesn't look much like a bean anymore, so I'm going to have to come up with some new names for it. My husband and I love its little arms, and walk around the house with our hands glued to our sides to imitate what they look like (kind of like dinosaur arms!)

Heh. So cute.

Tag! Looks like I'm it

2008-05-23T13:30:00.003-04:00

Sara the GasPasser has tagged me! Oy, the pressure to be interesting. Forgive me if I bore your brains out, but it's gotta be done.

But first, an update:

This week has been insane. Work is crazy busy and we're dealing with some sort of legislation in New York State that may affect my business-dealings negatively. I'm hoping it all boils over and that the law doesn't officially go through, but I need to prepare. Gah. Oh well, I guess it's good to obsess over something that isn't baby-related.

As for the baby, things are going smoothly. I'm still seeing some trace spotting, mostly when using the bathroom, but the OB says that everything looks perfect with the baby and that I shouldn't be concerned. I'm going to try and scan my ultrasound at some point to share the pic with ya'll. It's really starting to look like a baby now, and hearing the heartbeat was seriously just the most amazing thing. I didn't expect to be affected the way I was, but it was wonderful.

Ok, so on to the tagging - here are the rules:

Link to the person who tagged you. - Done!
Post the rules. - Done!
Share six non-important habits/quirks about yourself.
Tag three other people.
Make sure the people you tagged know you did by commenting on what you did.

1. My sister is 20 years older than me, and we are the only two children in the family. Same parents, no miscarriages in between, etc...(wonder where I get my fertility issues from?). My mother was 20 when she had her, 40 when she had me. Most of my life, my sister and I have had more of a mother/daughter relationship, but have recently started becoming much closer as sisters - she is thrilled about this pregnancy and is planning on spoiling the baby rotten!

2. As a result of #1, I have been an Aunt since the age of four. I have two nephews; one is four years younger than me and the other is eight years younger. They are more my brothers than my nephews and I could never imagine my life without them.

3. I have seen the Pope (John Paul II) twice. In 1994 while I was in High School, I attended World Youth Day in Denver, CO with my Youth Ministry group; and in 1997 I perfomed at the Vatican as part of my college choir at the Canonization (making a saint) of the founder of my college.

4. My husband and I LOVE going to concerts. I have always been a music fan, but he far encompasses me. Just for example, in the next month, we are seeing REM, Tom Petty, Pearl Jam (twice), and Dave Matthews Band. Other favorites include U2, Foo Fighters, and the Tragically Hip (and wishful thinking, the Beatles). We are determined to have this child listen to good music, but I'm sure we'll loose out to the kiddie music at some point.

5. I did a college internship at Late Night with Conan O'Brien. During that time, his assistant was pregnant, so I filled in for her on a number of occasions. He's an awesome guy and I have nothing but good things to say about that experience.

6. My favorite place in the world is the Cafe du Monde in New Orleans, LA. My husband and I spent our honeymoon in NOLA, and spent many an hour sitting there, drinking cafe au lait, eating beignets, and watching the world go by. During Katrina, I was devastated to think of the damage done to this beloved city, and I am counting the days until we go back. I have been to Ireland and Italy, which are both amazing, but this always holds a special place in my heart.

Ok, so that's my dealio. In return, I am tagging Tara, JJ, and Candi - sorry if you've done these already ladies, I'm new at this!

For all my American compatriots - have a great extended weekend! Woo hoo!

Phew

2008-05-21T16:19:00.001-04:00

Everything is fine. Saw the bean, heard the heartbeat. Thank God. Ok, off to get some stuff done today. More from me later

Still spotting

2008-05-20T09:49:00.002-04:00

Very trace amounts and the RE's office says it's normal, (esp. after coming off progesterone) but it was a teeny tiny bit red when I wiped today, and I'm so nervous. OB appointment tomorrow. Please let everything be ok.

It never gets easier, does it?

2008-05-18T16:08:00.002-04:00

PIO shots ended on Friday night. Yay!

Noticed brown spotting today - not so much yay.

Why does this always happen on the weekend?

Why can't I look like this? (And I'm only having one baby!)

2008-05-15T15:09:00.003-04:00

Flawless. Damn.

But seriously, 6 kids under the age of 7? Wow. I am in awe. Even with nannies and the like. Wow.

Anywho, I know it's been a while since I've posted, but I haven't really had all that much to report. Things have been pretty much plugging along. The nausea has mostly subsided and I'm starting to feel more like myself. I've actually gotten in a few brisk walks outside and started doing light weight training to tighten up my arms and the like. I'm trying to stay somewhat fit (not that I'm the picture of fitness), for a wedding that I'm in on November 1st. Yeah, I'll be 7.5 months pregnant...what of it?

My most anticipated event comes at 8:30EST Friday evening, when the Barron administers my final PIO shot! I (and my ass) have been waiting for this day for over 2 months. I have demanded that we go out on Saturday night to celebrate - for once I won't have to run home to get stuck! Yahoo!

Also visiting the OB on Wednesday. This will be my first OB visit and the first time I've seen the bean in about 3 weeks. Hopefully everything is progressing nicely.

...that dress is effing amazing. Gah!

Things are looking up

2008-05-08T14:21:00.002-04:00

So, I've managed to string together three relatively nausea-free days and feel much more like myself. This of course has now led me to being nervous that I'm NOT feeling sick. "Is there something wrong?" etc.... Never a dull moment, I tell you.

Anywho, one of my closest friends had her baby on Monday. This friend is the person I was writing about when I started this blog. I can't believe how far we've come since then. She had a beautiful baby girl and is feeling all sorts of excitement. I know she's been through a lot to get here and I couldn't be happier for her.

Now, I just want to skip the next 7 months or so and have this kid. I can't wait. Oh, and another thing I can't wait for? May 16th - last PIO shot. I'm counting the days...so is my ass.

The hangover that never ends

2008-05-06T12:17:00.001-04:00

Nausea. Won't go away. Won't give me an hour's peace. All I want to do is go outside for a walk, but I'm afraid of throwing up on a neighbors lawn. Please baby, give your mother a break.

The exception to the rule?

2008-05-01T16:21:00.003-04:00

I just got off the phone with my mom. She's been telling people here and there about the pregnancy, (which is fine; I'm pretty much over trying to keep her quiet now) and everyone is reacting kindly. "She's so thrilled!", "She cried!", etc.

Then she asked me: "have you told anyone else yet?"
"Not really," I said. "I'll tell people when I see them".

Then I realized. I'm not really going out of my way to tell people. I could tell that she thought this was strange, but it's just how I feel. I am definitely excited, but I haven't gotten to the point of yelling and screaming and jumping around the house. Maybe it's the fear of something still going wrong, I don't know.

Also, and I know this sounds odd....I don't want to be defined by this pregnancy. Ever since I've told certain people about it, it's all they ask about:

"How are you feeling?"
"Are you excited?"
"Have you registered yet?"
etc...

I'm still me. Yes, I'm pregnant. Yes, I'm going to have a baby (God willing). But, I still work every day, still do my laundry, still watch TV and laugh with my husband. I'm still me, just with a little extra. Can we talk about something else, please?

Maybe it's the IF thing. I'm so used to being the infertile that this is just foreign to me. I'm still not sure how I should be reacting.

I kiss the sonogram picture on the fridge every day and read exerpts from the "pregnancy journal" to my husband on a nightly basis. I rub my belly and tell my baby how much we love it and can't wait to meet it every night. I look online at nursery furniture and bedding and strollers, but won't dare purchase a thing until at least the 2nd trimester...I do all of these things...I just don't feel like shouting it from the rooftops just yet. Am I the exception to the rule?

Graduation Day

2008-04-29T13:16:00.005-04:00

Went in for our second sonogram and final beta draw this morning. Everything is progressing nicely, and we saw a heartbeat! I swear that was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. The RE printed out two copies of the sonogram (one for me and one for the Barron) and said, "this is your graduation certificate", meaning I'm done there. And, believe it or not, I have mixed emotions.

Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful to get released to my normal OB/GYN, but I have to say I'm going to miss those folks at the clinic. I have had nothing but a good experience with these people. Everyone (well, except for the receptionist) treated me with the utmost care and respect, and had the best possible bedside manner you could ask for. I have nothing bad to say about them and would recommend them to anyone on the East Coast.

After that, I came home and ate an entire bowl of macaroni and cheese. I'm having the weirdest cravings lately. It's not just one thing though - they come and go. All I know is, a mood will hit and I'll have to have whatever it is IMMEDIATELY. I'm trying to keep everything as healthy as possible, but sometimes I slip...hence the Mac & Cheese.

Official due date: December 19, 2008

Saltines do a body good

2008-04-23T12:18:00.002-04:00

Nicole Kidman recently revealed in an interview that she is having a major bout with morning sickness (and btw, it's sad that she is about the same size as I am - belly wise- and about 7 months more pregnant!).

I've been wondering when the ol puke monster was going to rear it's ugly head in my home.

Well, it's here.

I keep getting violent waves of nausea throughout the day. I haven't yet puked, but it's only a matter of time. My diet today has consisted of cereal, saltines and ginger ale. Yay for carbs!

The Barron and I are trying to figure out when to tell our friends about the baby. We've been successfully avoiding them recently, but can't for too much longer without seeming anti-social. The PIO injections at night totally give us away, so we've just been staying in. I think we'll be telling our closest pair of friends this weekend and then slowly expanding the circle. Everyone already knows we've done IVF, so it's just a waiting game. Next time we do this (if we do) - I'm not telling anyone anything.

Well, that hit a nerve!

2008-04-22T10:21:00.002-04:00

The Barron is excellent at administering my PIO shots. We've been doing them for over three weeks now, and have avoided any major pain or soreness from the injections. That is, until last night.

I iced my butt as per usual for about 15 minutes before the shot (while watching the Mets lose to the Cubs). Barron chose his spot, which is always in the same vicinity on either cheek, counted to three, and plunged in.

That's when it happened.

It felt like the needle was on fire. Immediately I felt a burning sensation all up and down my leg. Tears were filling my eyes, but I didn't want to scream and screw up the Barron. He checked for blood, but there was none in the syringe, so I told him just to get it over with. He injected the PIO and then pulled out the needle. THEN, the blood came. It was dripping down my leg and getting on my pjs and everything.

I'm guessing we had to have tweaked a nerve or something. Which is weird, because the needle was pretty much in the same spot as usual, give or take a millimeter or so. Maybe I'm just totally sore from the three weeks of shots? I dunno. All I know is now my ass is totally sore, I have a huge bruise, and I'm petrified of the shots again. Great.

Caution! Crazy Pregnant Lady on the loose!

2008-04-21T09:59:00.004-04:00

So last night, I noticed a very slight amount of brown discharge and proceeded to have a complete and total freakout. I haven't had anything since (hopefully it'll stay that way), but thank God I have a sonogram today. I hope the baby (babies?) is still in there. I'm going to freak out about every little thing, aren't I?

Update later today...

...Update - Had sonogram - everything looks good! Got to see the little bean (yes, only one), yolk sac and all! Dr. said not to fret about the spotting - totally normal, and that all of my levels look nice and strong. I didn't bother asking for beta numbers again since Dr. actually said, "let us obsess over the numbers - one less thing for you to worry about". Love them. I'll actually be sad in a way when I have to leave their care to go to my normal OB/GYN. Wish they did that as well. Barron and I are off to grab some congratulatory dinner and ice cream. Yay!

Thoughts and Reflections

2008-04-16T15:27:00.003-04:00

So, now that I've finally got my pregnancy, my mind is full of varying thoughts and confusion. I'm totally thrilled to be pregnant, don't get me wrong, but when people ask (and yes, I broke down and told people - more on that later) how I feel, my main answer is "weird".

Why weird? I don't know. I guess it's just that the Barron and I have been at this for so long and I've been setting myself up for disappointment that it just doesn't seem real. I'm also totally petrified of something going wrong. It's so friggin early in the process that there's a gazillion things that can still happen. I don't know if I'll be able to shake this until I have a real live baby in my hands. I know a lot of people feel this way when finally achieving pregnancy after IF, and it sucks that we just cant be completely and deliriously happy. Gah.

Some other thoughts:

Telling People: I talked w/ my mom yesterday on the phone and tried to avoid the topic, but it was an extremely awkward conversation and I could tell she was none to happy with me. After discussing it with the Barron, we decided to tell her and most of my immediate family (my sister, my aunt and my nephews - sisters sons are v. close in age to me - more like brothers). I asked my mom to please, please not spread the word yet. I'm not sure if she'll be able to stick to it, but I'm doing my damndest to keep it on the DL. The worst thing that could happen is for me to miscarry (God forbid) and have everyone calling me and asking a thousand questions.

How many babies are in there?: This is another major thing that is taking up a lot of brain space. We transferred three embryos. I only originally wanted to do two, but due to the quality of the embryos and the fact that there was only three, the Doctor thought my chances would be better with three. Now, of course I'm happy with whatever I get, but frankly, the idea of triplets frightens me! I'm not sure if we could handle it. I keep praying to God to send us only what we can handle. If we get one, two or three (please let them be healthy), I guess that's what we can handle. :)

Symptoms: Not much in this department except for extreme tiredness, painful boobs, and some cramping.

Thankfulness: All of this may make it seem like I'm not thankful, however I have never been more grateful in my life. I have so much to be thankful for and to look forward to, however I still feel somewhat like I've been robbed of the traditional joy that comes along with finding out you're pregnant. Am I crazy for feeling this way?

Somebody pinch me...

2008-04-14T12:36:00.003-04:00

Went in for beta this morning. Just got off the phone with Dr.:

"Hello, Sully...Congratulations, you have a positive test!"

Two positive pee sticks pretty much gave me the idea, but hearing it officially from the Dr. really sealed the deal. I'm pregnant. Just typing that is absurd to me! I didn't ask for the actual beta, because I figured I might obsess over it. I go in next Monday for follow up beta and sonogram.

So, now comes the part of telling people. This has been a convo that the Barron and I have been having over the past week. My parents are aware of everything and my Mom has been a constant source of support throughout this entire process. However, she has a case of "loose lips". She knows I'm going to find out today, but I've managed to hold her off until the weekend before I tell her. Hubby and I wanted to have some time alone to process the news, and I know as soon as I tell her, the secret will be out. We've worked so hard to get here, I'm not ready for everyone and their brother to know...especially since it's sooo early and there's a ga-zillion things that can still go wrong. Am I wrong for holding off? We're not telling anyone else, either, but this is not your usual "Surprise, I'm pregnant!" situation. Gah...so, even though I get the awesomest news ever, I'm robbed of the well-thought-out surprising of the family members.

So, I broke down and...

2008-04-12T12:08:00.002-04:00

Holy crap.

Here comes the sun...do do dee doo...

2008-04-10T15:53:00.002-04:00

It's amazing what a little nice weather can do for your psyche. It's 75 and sunny here today. I'm listening to good music, getting a lot of work done, and just got back from a pedicure. It's the little things...right?

On the IF front, the spotting issue is still status quo, but I'm trying not to make myself crazy. I have to attribute a lot of my recent calmness to my amazing and wonderful husband whose faith has not wavered and who refuses to let me put any blame on myself (a thing that I have a tendency to do frequently). I am trying to keep hope alive and just praying that my body has the courtesy to at least get me to beta without bleeding.

I also received the go ahead to move up my PIO injection tomorrow so I can go to see my Mets play the Brewers. Luckily, the nurse was a Met fan as well and understood my dilemma. Basically, I should give tonights shot about an hour earlier and then tomorrow's another hour or so earlier and then work my way back up to 8:30 over the next few days.

See Spot Run

2008-04-09T18:24:00.003-04:00

Still spotting. Mostly brown (for now). Trying to hold on to hope while avoiding pee-sticks, although I've already moved on mentally to what I'm going to do after my negative beta, which I'm convinced will happen. Another round of IVF is for certain, but when? Working out and dropping about 20 pounds is definite. Drinking a few good beers is another one. Hoping this doesn't come to fruition, but need to be realistic while still hanging on.

Another question for you ladies. How important is timing on the PIO shots? The Barron and I try to do them at about 8:30 PM nightly. This Friday, (if I even get to Friday sans-period) we have tickets to the Met game and I'd really like to go, but administering an injection in a ballpark will be difficult, and I'm sure security will confiscate my syringe anyway. Would doing my injection in the early evening make that much of a difference? I'll be asking the nurses as well, but looking for some feedback.

Thanks for all the well wishes and good thoughts. It's much appreciated, believe me.

Couldn't let this go without posting

2008-04-08T17:12:00.000-04:00

These people can reproduce and I can't? Where is the justice in this world? That poor child.

Prove me wrong

2008-04-08T09:29:00.002-04:00

A few weeks ago, in this post Tara commented

Isn't it funny how we *know* when our body isn't doing something it's supposed to. Even though we can't actually SEE what's going on in there.

That has been my story for the past two years. Ever since I came off the pill, something has been up. I have gotten every period in approximately 26 days or so, with at least 3 or four days of spotting ahead of time. Usually the spotting starts out as a light brown and progressively gets darker.

It's getting darker.

Now, I know this could be part of the IVF process, and everyone is telling me to have hope, but I know my body, and I haven't been wrong yet.

Please God, prove me wrong. I want to be wrong so badly.

Well that was pointless

2008-04-07T09:38:00.001-04:00

Brown spotting this morning - this always happens a few days before my period. It's like clockwork. I feel like a fool. Of course this wasn't going to work for me. Silly girl.

Step away from the pee sticks, ma'am. 6dp3dt

2008-04-06T16:51:00.000-04:00

Ok, before retrieval, I promised myself that I would avoid POAS-ing. I didn't want to get all excited over a false positive, or be all depressed over an early negative (which I know I will, even though I like to say I won't.)

However, that was before I was aware of the pure HELL of the 2WW. Man alive, does this suck. I don't know if I can live like this for another seven days. That's right, beta is 4/14 - an entire week away. I'd love to remain blissfully ignorant for another week, blowing kisses to the embryo photo on my fridge, rubbing my belly for extra encouragement, and checking the toilet paper for any spotting; but at the same time, I can't take this wait.

Is it to soon? Should I wait a few days? Should I wait till beta? I need some talking down from the ledge!

*yes, another South Park pic - can you tell I'm a fan?

This post brought to you by the letters "P" & "O"

2008-04-05T16:08:00.001-04:00

I can't poop. There, I've said it. Ever since the darn PIO shots started, it's progressively become more difficult. The retrieval and transfer have me bloated enough, and now I have all of this additional bloat. Surely, I can't be the only one, can I?

Apple juice, senokot, broccoli, spicy foods; you name it, I've tried it. Anyone have any suggestions out there, or do I just ride this out? Ugh.

Everything else seems to be going fine. Still feeling crampy on and off, but managing to get things done. The stress of the 2WW has been replaced by stress about my job. I found out on Thursday that I'm losing yet another client, and there may be one more that follows. This puts me back to a very minimal salary. Just for comparison, I was raking in the dough back in the fall with 8 clients - I am now down to 3. Scary and stressful. Trying to stay calm for the embryos, but I'm at my wits end with this job. Ugh. Figures when I finally get into the IVF thing, work goes to shit.

Crampy

2008-04-04T14:12:00.000-04:00

Crampy today. Is this good or is it my period? The way this week has been going, I'm thinking it's my period, but hoping it's not. 10 more days till beta - please no blood before then! Ignorance is bliss.

The waiting is the hardest part

2008-04-02T10:35:00.000-04:00

I thought this phase would be the easiest. Less needles, no visits to the office, no sonos, no blood draws. Well, I was flat out WRONG. This sucks.

Here's a little background. I am an online marketing professional and am lucky enough to work from home. This has been extremely beneficial during this period, as I have been able to have a flexible schedule and continue working while having my feet up (I'm on my couch as we "speak"). However, not having the normal day to day co-worker interactions, meetings and general goings on of the work day leaves me alone with my thoughts, which is never a good thing.

I'm pretty much afraid to do anything at this point. Afraid to laugh, afraid to go to the bathroom, afraid to make any sudden movements. I don't want to give these guys anywhere to go but my uterus. I'm also obsessing over the fact that they were only 5 & 6 celled embryos. I was cool with it on Monday, but the longer I think about it, the more it bugs. I don't really feel much going on and I'm afraid it's a bust from the beginning. Argh! Stupid IF.

Three's a crowd

2008-03-31T19:00:00.000-04:00

Got 2 5-cell and one 6-cell on board. They're not the greatest quality, but they're mine. Now we wait. Transfer was a breeze and I'm lounging on my couch watching opening day baseball. Stick embies, stick.